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Post by silverhawk on Aug 25, 2012 8:45:14 GMT -5
Just getting the board posted. I'm about 3/4 of the way done with issue #1. Mainly introductions of the characters and you'll see what approach I'll be taking with the title.
Also, mutants will still be hated and feared in the All Star Universe just in case anyone was curious.
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Post by liquidsword34 on Aug 25, 2012 14:34:33 GMT -5
I'm kind of worried you have too many X-Men and nowhere near enough villains tbh.
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Post by All Star Silentking on Aug 25, 2012 14:36:42 GMT -5
He can start claiming more villains when his second issue is up.
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Post by silverhawk on Aug 25, 2012 15:29:30 GMT -5
You'll understand why after the first issue.
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Post by mezzaro123 on Aug 25, 2012 15:35:03 GMT -5
He gave me the basic premise to his series and I don't think he will even need villains for a while. I'm very excited.
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Post by silverhawk on Aug 30, 2012 15:42:56 GMT -5
Issue #1 will be up tonight!
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Post by All Star Silentking on Aug 30, 2012 15:57:08 GMT -5
Sweet!
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Post by silverhawk on Aug 30, 2012 20:41:52 GMT -5
#1 is out.
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Post by All Star Silentking on Aug 30, 2012 21:11:54 GMT -5
There were a few mistakes, for example: at one point you used excepted instead of accepted, but it was a good read.
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Post by mezzaro123 on Aug 30, 2012 21:31:19 GMT -5
It was very good. I like Kitty a lot and I like the dienamic (sp?) you're building between Kitty and Alex. I do wonder why a bunch of teens are the best X thinks the world has to offer from mutants. But it was good.
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Post by silverhawk on Aug 30, 2012 21:37:59 GMT -5
Thanks and it is Xavier, he always has his motives.
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Post by buck on Aug 30, 2012 21:39:50 GMT -5
I enjoyed the issue but I do have to echo what mezzaro said about a large group of teens being the best of mutant kind.
I also feel the way things are currently that it's less of a school then a training ground. I'm interested to see more revealed about each character.
Last thing, is Kitty going to remain the main point of view throughout the series.
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Post by mezzaro123 on Aug 30, 2012 22:33:30 GMT -5
Thanks and it is Xavier, he always has his motives. Fair enough. I will wait and see. I did think it was a little weird how blunt Charley was. Can't wait for more.
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Post by All Star Silentking on Aug 30, 2012 22:34:05 GMT -5
Thanks and it is Xavier, he always has his motives. That is the reason why I didn't question why the kids are considered the best of mutant kind. That and they aren't ugly thus making them more acceptable to humankind. (Except for those paranoid a-holes who go with the whole "OH GOD, THEY CAN BE ANYONE!" route) Also, out of curiousity, when will Wolverine arrive? And I wonder who will be this site's version Wolverine? (Publicity wise that is. *stares at Spider-Man*)
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Post by mezzaro123 on Aug 30, 2012 22:37:23 GMT -5
*Spidey blushes*
Nah, it could be anyone from Hulk to Wolverine to Spidey to Cap...also, looking forward to Hulk.
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Post by All Star Silentking on Aug 30, 2012 23:04:59 GMT -5
What I meant is how Wolverine in the comics is in practically every title ever made by Marvel. Sometimes even on the covers of comics that he doesn't even show up in. I know some people who got sick of Wolvie because he was so overused. Unless that is what you are talking about.
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Post by mezzaro123 on Aug 30, 2012 23:18:06 GMT -5
Nah, I thought you were talking like DC has Batman: You slap Batman's name on the cover of anything it sells shit tons (i.e Batman--Pisses in a Cup) yeah, that would sell thousands of copies just cause it's Batman. Marvel has X-Men, Wolverine and the Avengers (i.e Wolverine and the X-Men eat bologna sandwiches while the Avengers fight evil Potatoes) thousands of copies would be sold of that as well. I thought you meant Spidey would be the that of the ASMU.
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Post by All Star Silentking on Aug 31, 2012 0:06:54 GMT -5
It falls under what I was talking about. But Wolverine is more infamous for being able to pull off stuff like that than either Avengers or X-Men. And for being all over the place. I only mentioned Spider-Man as a joke based on your plans for him. (Like Fantastic Spider-Man and wanting to do team ups) All in good fun.
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Post by silverhawk on Aug 31, 2012 7:36:15 GMT -5
The school aspect will be touched on, which is why I have Moira claimed. Also, Xavier was kind of blunt about the whole thing, could have toned that down a bit. Wolverine will be introduced in due time, build up some anticipation.
I'm debating on keeping Kitty the main focus or each arc rotate perspective.
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Post by liquidsword34 on Aug 31, 2012 9:42:33 GMT -5
The spelling and grammar errors made it pretty difficult to enjoy, to be honest. A lot of it seemed rushed and was quite hard to understand at times.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 1, 2012 10:59:51 GMT -5
Like liquidsword says, the spelling and grammar really take the reader out of the narrative. There's a lot of run on sentances as well, you'd probably do better to streamline this down and make the sentances shorter and snappier, might help it read better, or make it easier for you to edit.
There's some little details that might be edited out - Kitty never got her bags from the Taxi, yet Alex is helping her with them? Speech attribution is also a little off as well.
'Want to help?' seems like Kitty is saying it and not Iceman.
Again, Alex your up? Was that from Xavier?
Finally, the last part is quite confusing.
“Well then beautiful I guess you’re with...” Before Alex could finish a girl walked into the room carrying her luggage.
“Sorry I’m late, the taxi driver got lost.” She said laughingly. Her green eyes stood out in contrast to her red hair. Alex perked up and finished his sentence.
“Scott, because she’s with me. What’s your name by the way?” The girl placed her suitcase down on the floor and looked around at everyone. - So, is Alex saying that Kitty is with Scott? Or that Jean is with Scott? Not sure what this means.
“Jean Grey.”
Otherwise, it's a short, decent start.
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Post by mrp on Sept 4, 2012 22:47:31 GMT -5
Finally got a chance to read it. I got a weird mash up vibe of X-Men Evolution (there all teens) and early Ultimate X-Men (let's be peacekeeper force) from it, which is okay even though I am much more a fan of the classic X-Men meme. As others have said, it also had a very first draft feel and would have benefited greatly from more edits and polishing.
My biggest issue was the only character we got a real sense of was Kitty-which makes sense as it was from her POV. The brief interaction with Havoc gave a glimpse of him, but everyone else is really still a cipher at this point. There was no conflict driving the issue so it was all about character revelation, but aside from Kitty there didn't feel like a lot was revealed. Only a first issue, I know, but a team book out of necessity requires more characters get the spotlight each issue. Simply adding a bit more of Kitty's observations of each character as they got picked for the teams, or a little bit of dialogue from each of the characters during that scenario would have gone a long way towards revealing a little about each character. The only thing we learned is Kitty is insecure from gym class experiences and getting picked last a lot, but you had already given us the insight Kitty was insecure so the scene didn't really reveal anything new, and if a scene doesn't accomplish one of four things establish setting, create conflict, resolve conflict, or reveal character, you have to ask why is it there?
I think there is a lot of potential here. You had a very strong feel for Kitty, and if you can accomplish that feel for other characters, it will be a good read. It just needs a little more TLC in the writing to accomplish that potential.
I look forward to seeing what you do with the second issue.
-M
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