Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 28, 2012 17:56:52 GMT -5
The first issue is up, whether it is good or not is something else entirely...
|
|
|
Post by All Star Silentking on Oct 28, 2012 18:51:32 GMT -5
I had a bit of trouble following. Rereading it the first part helped me understand the what was going until the last paragraph. I have an idea of what just happened, but am not one hundred percent sure. Not the worst first issue, but not the best either. 6.5/10
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 29, 2012 5:42:31 GMT -5
Ah, I'm sorry about that. Where abouts did I lose you?
I can always go back in and edit it to make it clearer.
I think that perhaps I might have rushed the final bit to get it posted up, so it might not necessarily make sense - might seem like there's a bit of a big jump, in that respect.
|
|
|
Post by All Star Silentking on Oct 29, 2012 13:30:46 GMT -5
Don't change it. Just use this as a guideline so you don't mess up in the future.
You lost me on what the job professions and relationship between the Pete and Constance. And what they were doing at the Braddock house. At first! I reread it and I understood what was going on. I was just completely lost in the last several paragraphs. Right after Constance screamed. I just reread that part, and it makes more sense now. But you shouldn't lead anyone to be so confused like in any story. Also, you should wait for others to check it out before thinking it is a terrible first issue. Maybe I am just the exception here.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 29, 2012 17:02:15 GMT -5
I'd like to claim it's some sort of Kafkaesque attempt to make it deliberately confusing and put the reader off balance but, uhm, not so much.
Okay, with regards to the reason they're there - Probably should have said more about that, in retrospect. I'll explain that more in the second issue then - the reason for them being there. With regards to their relationship, that's supposed to be a slightly grey area thing - I was trying to show more than tell, but I think I might have done a little bit less showing then I should have.
|
|
|
Post by heroic on Nov 1, 2012 22:52:39 GMT -5
I quite liked the issue the dialog in particular between the characters was well done. I can see why Silentking would be confused but I wouldn't take it to heart or anything it's only the first issue, anything that wasn't clear will be clear in I'd imagine the next issue or two.
A thing to remember is that in a book you'd only be a few pages in so no ones expects everything to be layed out perfectly and I know I've seen worst in published novels.
Also with how well you nailed some of that grammar I have to ask, do you live in the U.K.?
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 2, 2012 14:05:28 GMT -5
Yeah, you're right. I live in the South East of England. So, I know the dialects of Pete and Constance pretty well. London Geeza's, ain't they?
I wonder if some of the confusion comes from things like what the MET (Metropolitan Police) and things like that. I didn't want to explain that sort of thing because...well, when you're talking about something like the MET you don't say 'London's Police Force' you say...the MET. I guess I should have been a bit clearer as to why they were heading to the Braddock's gaff and given Connie's murder a little more space to breath.
Thanks for the comments
|
|
|
Post by All Star Silentking on Nov 2, 2012 15:56:31 GMT -5
...Connie is dead?! I thought it was someone else that Pete was holding at the end! I am not joking here, I actually thought Connie was missing and the dead body Pete was holding was one of the owners of the house. Brian's dad or something like that.
|
|