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Post by randomfan on Jan 31, 2013 1:00:52 GMT -5
So Issue 1 is up, I know it's really short but I hope to change that in the rest of the issues, this one was just really annoying to do.
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Post by All Star Silentking on Jan 31, 2013 1:38:00 GMT -5
Uh...I am sorry but I don't see it. Did you take it off some time ago?
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Post by randomfan on Jan 31, 2013 1:43:30 GMT -5
I don't know what happened there, it should be up now.
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Post by All Star Silentking on Jan 31, 2013 2:08:52 GMT -5
It is. I will read it soon and give you feedback.
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Post by Drake on Jan 31, 2013 21:04:29 GMT -5
It's pretty good. There are definitely a ton of grammar errors, the most notable being a number of run on sentences. You should use periods more. My second issue? It felt like we were thrown into the middle of the story. I'm fine with not being given the origin as an arc, or even at all just yet, but this could have seriously used a bit of an earlier start, chronologically. I didn't really know much about the characters or why they were doing things. Why is Tony Iron Man? Who is Gene? He's obviously Mandarin, but beyond that? There's a lot you're going to have to reveal.
My final issue, one that really isn't a big deal...Tony isn't being a smart ass! I'm sorry, I know Tony had just had his butt kicked but still....I wanted some Tony smart ass-ery.
I had no issues with the length. Short or long, it's fine with me. 7/10. There's a ton of potential, plenty of places to go. Keep writing. Also, as a matter of the story and Avengers, what Mark armor will Tony be on during the arc? PM me the answer and I'll get back to you with more...details.
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Post by DiscipleofBob on Feb 1, 2013 9:52:35 GMT -5
I have to second Drake on a lot of this. A lot of grammar issues to the point where they actually detract from the story. As a reader, I'm still trying to wrap my head around what's going on with Gene and the Ten Rings. A bit more explanation or setup would probably have been better. Also, this is going to seem a bit contradictory to the previous statement, but there seemed to be a bit of forced exposition dialogue between the characters. It feels like they wouldn't talk like this normally, but they're doing so for the benefit of informing the audience. Sometimes this is unavoidable at the beginning of a story, but it's something you might want to watch. Having Tony's description at the very end seemed awkward. Describing him physically after he's just taken off the armor is smart, but when there's literally nothing left the chapter just feels to cut off. Each issue should really have a beginning, middle, and end, even if the end is suspenseful or a cliffhanger. This just sort of stops. James 'Rhodey' Rhodes bothers me. Rhodey is a fine nickname, but I don't think he should be referred to as Rhodey by anyone but Tony or similar friends. Also, the description as 'African-American' is weird to me because to me it makes it sound like he or one of his parents was from Africa. It'd be like describing myself as German-American because my grandparents were German. Sure it's technically correct, and maybe more politically correct, but that doesn't make it any less awkward-sounding. This chapter could really have been improved with some editing. The run-on sentences could easily be fixed and improve the overall quality of the story. I'm going to attribute a lot of this to the fact that first issues are often rushed. Take your time and leave time for someone to beta read your work. Things will drastically improve. But it's otherwise a good take on Iron Man and I like the direction it's going.
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Post by jordan on Feb 8, 2013 11:41:54 GMT -5
I third a lot of that. I'm a huge Iron Man fan, and so I have high hopes for this series.
That said, with a little editing, this chapter could've been an amazing portion of a whole issue, but it didn't feel like a whole story. They way it began and ended, it felt like we were coming into the third or fourth story arc of the series, half-way through the arc, half-way through that issue, and then we are stopped in the middle of said issue.
Now if deadlines are a problem and had any effect on this issue, I'm am ALWAYS willing to work something out with you so that you can get your absolute best work out.
All that said, this series has a LOT of potential, and most of what I got from this issue (which wan't much) I didn't like, but some I did:
The Good:
- Set-up for War Machine already, and I like set-ups and super hero knock-offs. - You balance his life as Tony and Iron Man. - Substantial threat to Iron Man is established here.
The Bad:
- Grammatical errors and run-on sentences. - Didn't feel like a whole chapter. - If I wasn't an Iron Man fan, it would not have left me wanting more. - The way it's written, Tony is not an intimidating man except for his black hair/goatee. Goatee's are not intimidating.
The Ugly:
-The only substantial information I learned from this issue is that Iron Man gets beaten up by Mandarin, Rhodes is a good friend and Tony likes to bang Potts. - Everyone's characterization is either non-existent or one-dimensional. It is the first issue, but it just didn't seem right. - The way it ends felt more like a preview than anything in the world. - Iron Man is established more as a failure than a hero in this issue, with his only known enemy defeating him 6-0.
I'm sorry for this writing, but I sincerely hope your story gets better because I will stay a devoted fan. 3/10.
I look forward to issue #2, and as SK said, let someone proof/beta-read it first, it helps a lot.
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Post by All Star Silentking on Feb 8, 2013 12:38:45 GMT -5
When did I say that? I am not saying that I didn't, I just remember doing so. Also, there isn't anything that I can add here. Drake and Jordan already mentioned anything I would have to say. But, I would like to mention that I still enjoyed this issue besides its faults. 6.5/10
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Post by jordan on Feb 9, 2013 0:55:40 GMT -5
When did I say that? I am not saying that I didn't, I just remember doing so. Also, there isn't anything that I can add here. Drake and Jordan already mentioned anything I would have to say. But, I would like to mention that I still enjoyed this issue besides its faults. 6.5/10 My bad, I saw the five admin stars and assumed it was you. I meant as Disciple had said.
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Post by Stardrifter on Mar 8, 2013 18:04:15 GMT -5
I'll be honest. I didn't like this issue. It felt like part of a draft of an issue. There were errors and such, but more importantly it didn't have a beginning or end. It just kind of happened.
I don't want to seem like I'm picking on you, so I'll leave it at that unless you want me to elaborate.
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Post by mezzaro on Mar 23, 2013 16:24:46 GMT -5
I agree with Stardrifter. This issue just felt like a scene or two in the middle of something else. I look forward to Issue #2, but I can say I wasn't impressed. 5/10.
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