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Post by jordan on Aug 8, 2014 19:42:18 GMT -5
The two story threads will come together much stronger in future issues. That was just the beginning.
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Post by DiscipleofBob on Aug 13, 2014 21:41:32 GMT -5
Let me preface this by saying this is a very difficult title for me to review, or even enjoy at all. This has nothing to do with you or your writing quality or narrative decisions, and everything to do with the fact that I just don't like this genre of story. Bad guys fighting bad guys without being able to empathize with a single character makes this a drudging read. Every time I find a character to try to latch onto and enjoy, they end up being despicable and irredeemable in nature. But this isn't because of poor writing or anything like that, it's the genre and the type of story you chose to tell, and obviously there are plenty of other readers and people who enjoy that sort of thing. I'm just not one of them. So please take any negativity in my reviews with a grain of salt. I wouldn't expect or want you to make this title something it's not for my sake.
So chapter-by-chapter, since you posted four in the span of a week.
#2: First of all, it's Rogers, not Rodgers, and while I have no problem with that sort of reference, I would at least appreciate a heads up in the future. It's not a huge deal or anything.
One noticeable grammar thing: "there’s this black stone, we find it on the expedition" Normally I don't bother commenting on minor grammar issues like that, but in this case it took me a second to stop and think if you meant it that way, like if the speaker had a foreign accent or something. Unfortunately I couldn't find any other evidence of an accent so I had to assume it was a minor mistake. But it also made the flow of the story stop while I had to think about that sort of thing.
Morbius's scene might have been good for establishing some sympathetic traits for the character, but after last chapter where he's fawning over the power of the magic stone or whatever, it's kind of too late for me to appreciate the character when I already know what's going to happen. It's like watching Anakin Skywalker in the prequel movies. I already know he's going to become a villain (or rather just a villainous character like everyone else) so why bother getting attached to him as a person?
As for the Hood/Kingpin bits, Hood just comes across as an asshole. Why is he even bothering with this whole scheme? He's dealing with angels and demons and holy wars and he's focusing on some organized crime? For what? His only motivation so far seems to be screwing with the Maggia members, which would make sense if I thought he had some kind of vendetta against them. For a moment I started to root for Kingpin, until you showed that he apparently can't even throw a punch without accidentally splattering his subordinate's guts. The Kingpin I'm used to is as intelligent, cunning, and ruthless as he is strong, but this Kingpin doesn't even know how to control his own strength. He sounds like he couldn't even shake someone's hand without accidentally ripping their arm off.
#3: I don't understand this. We've got people with divine and demonic powers who can't even handle some gangsters, so they decide to go out and hire mercenaries? What is hired help going to provide that they wouldn't be able to do? Hell, why didn't Hood just kill Kingpin right there in the bar? Lucifer might have seemed like a scheming devil in chapter one, but here he appears to be just along for the ride.
To be fair, Strange and Wong are okay, but mostly because they seem to be just side characters there to help provide some exposition. Maybe they'll make more of an impression on me in later chapters.
#4: Other people commented on this, and since I'm one of the most vocal on either site when it comes to plot points changing the course of history, I just wanted to say that I don't mind what you did with Atlantis and everything. I get it, it's a creation myth, not historical fact. It's like when I write some of the Greek Mythology stuff for UWW. You're not defining anything for anyone, even Atlantis, so I don't see any problem with what you already have.
The diner scene was just bizarre. They were already meeting at the diner, so why play the weird game of picking a new meeting place via weird menu game?
It's kind of a wonder why the stone didn't possess Morbius sooner, but oh well. Strange's incantations could have used something to make them stand out more, maybe a little bold or italic, just something to make them feel like magical incantations and not a Latin exam. Otherwise the scene went well. Dr. Strange still hasn't disappointed.
#5: Well the two storylines of Morbius and Hood finally interconnect. And while "the seven" could be interesting, it really doesn't help that I just can't bring myself to care about any of the parties involved except for maybe Strange if he counts.
I guess it's be pointless to ask how exactly the Enforcers knew where Hood's hideout was? It was supposed to be secret wasn't it? Ah well. Hood hasn't shown a lot of aptitude for the criminal life in this story so far. At this point any incompetence would just be consistent.
I should be cheering for the Enforcers as it's humanity taking down divine/hellish forces. But all I can do really is wonder how Hood and his people have managed to get this far. The over the top accents don't really help matters I guess.
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Post by thejellyfish on Aug 29, 2014 2:12:57 GMT -5
I've always been off the opinion that even though there are characters like Lucifer and Mephisto is frequently called "the Devil" by people, I've never actually thought of them as having anything to do with the biblical stuff. It's probably some idea I developed while I was Catholic to make sense of stuff that went on Marvel: Ultimate Alliance. I don't know, it was weird. I've always seen them as beings from another dimension similar to hell, but not actually hell.
I still like the series. It's still good, although I wouldn't named the ancient civilization "Atlantis", I mean, there's plenty of names that are cool and used to describe something really old. Like, Vaalbara. Vaalbara was a supercontinent that existed a number of years ago, that number having a lot of zeros in it. Just say it. It sounds awesome. I get why you named it "Atlantis" and it works, it's just not something I would have done.
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Post by jordan on Jan 26, 2015 14:14:49 GMT -5
Dark City returns to answer some glaring questions about the lives of our heroes!
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Post by Drake on Jan 27, 2015 16:06:07 GMT -5
Sorry I didn't get to it until now.
I liked it. It was a bit jarring being thrown right back into the midst of things, but I remembered enough that it was fine. I'd still recommend doing a "Previously on..." to help with that.
Your style and skill has remained the same, and despite the months between chapters I don't notice a difference in the way they're presented. Great job!
The plot's a little slow-moving, but I expect it'll pick up next issue. 8/10. I still love this title, especially for the unique tone, story and characters it brings.
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Post by Drake on Jan 30, 2015 18:43:16 GMT -5
Decided I'm going to go scene by scene with this. Let's see how this goes...
1 -It's spelled "Nefaria" -I like the "Theory of Honor." Great touch. -Hammerhead's argument "we kill the enemy" seemed a bit odd, especially since they don't actually plan on killing anyone. -"Purity went out the window" was weird after two "Purity went out the door"s.
2 -The exposition dump was a little realistic, but the dialogue killed me. A lot of it seemed unnatural, and you rather quickly jumped between topics without an explanation. "To gather...book of dark magic" and "Why did you take me from my family?" come to mind. It was there just to develop the two characters, and it felt completely unnatural.
3 -The very vague descriptions of important objects is getting frustrating. I have no idea what to imagine for the "metal...and red fabric." You need to describe important things like that in more detail.
Overall, it was a decent issue. The plot's really slowing down and that'll kill you if you don't do something about it soon. 7.5/10
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Post by jordan on Jan 30, 2015 18:57:44 GMT -5
First off, thank you for being the only person so far to review my story. I appreciate it. Anyway, to discuss what you've said:
I write slow-moving plots. It's just my style. I know it can be annoying but I feel as though it really works out best for the long run. Anyway, I guess I know it's Neferia not Nafaria. I just always do the latter for some reason and never catch in when proofreading.
The Lucifer/Hood scene was to develope them. It was a scene that had to exist and I feel as though I did the best I could with it, I understand how you feel, but I'm content with that.
The vague descriptions however I can't really change. I mean, sometimes there's litterally no more meaningful description than "Black stone". In the case of the "red fabric" and the "hunk of metal", if you've read issue fiveyou should know what it is and what is going on with the scene. It really is just to provide a little context more than to describe the object. I'd say that saying those two objects are important is even stretching the truth a bit.
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Post by jordan on Feb 1, 2015 19:00:30 GMT -5
Dark City (story arc) concludes in #8!! Learn more about your favorite characters as questions are answered...and asked!!
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Post by jordan on Feb 3, 2015 9:42:01 GMT -5
Dark City is up and could use some love.
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Post by Stardrifter on Feb 3, 2015 10:11:59 GMT -5
I don't really know what to say. I'm just not connecting with this series. It's not my kind of story. I don't particularly like any of the characters. I guess I could kinda like Lucifer just because of how different he is. Otherwise theyre all just there.
The Morbius/Strange plot doesn't feel like it's going very far. The twist with Michelle was kind of a WTF moment. You kind of explain how it's possible with time travel but, I don't know.
I don't mean to be down on you or anything. I'm just not enjoying it. The mob/demon thing just doesn't do it for me. Sorry.
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Post by jordan on Feb 3, 2015 10:31:56 GMT -5
No need to be sorry. It puts things into a different perspective for me. Maybe I need to spend more time humanizing the characters.
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Post by adrini on Feb 3, 2015 10:46:48 GMT -5
I'd second that. I keep trying to connect to this story, you obviously work very hard on it, but something just isn't there. It's not technical, that's all fine.
Maybe having someone be less grey? I think what it is is there really isn't a hero here, just various people doing vaguely bad to really bad stuff. Maybe it's just not my thing.
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Post by Drake on Feb 3, 2015 10:57:01 GMT -5
That's actually a really good point. You should try to have a "pure white" character to contrast with all the grays and blacks.
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Post by Stardrifter on Feb 3, 2015 11:25:00 GMT -5
I don't think, at least for me, that it's even a matter of them all being "bad". I can enjoy those kind of stories just fine. The series is very plot based. The characters go here, do this, and so on. No one is really distinct. There's no fun one or snarky one or anything. They all just kinda sound and feel the same.
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Post by jordan on Feb 3, 2015 12:11:06 GMT -5
For those who think a pure white would actually be beneficial, I'm actually introducing one in the next issue. For Star who can't connect, I'm not sure. I'll definitely work on that. I can feel and hear their different voices when I write, but I can try to figure some things out to help individualize them.
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Post by Drake on Feb 3, 2015 12:22:31 GMT -5
Give them quirks. At least for me that helps a lot. For example, Rocket talks kind of like a cowboy, Heather's more straight-laced and fairly Average Joe-y, Peter Parker is quipu and immature, etc. Vocal quirks can help even more. "I am Groot" or Star's Leech come to mind.
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Post by jordan on Feb 3, 2015 12:29:19 GMT -5
I'll try and work on that with my next issue.
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Post by Drake on Feb 3, 2015 18:34:18 GMT -5
This issue was ok. It's certainly a huge climax, and a lot happened, but it felt incredibly rushed. There were more grammar errors than I expect from you, the plot moved by way too quickly, and the dialogue was often really clunky. Now, I know one of my previous complaints was that the plot moved too slowly. I hate to say it but you've overcorrected. Sorry! 6.75/10 Arc Overall: 7.75/10 I can't wait for what's next. Black Panther is one of my favorite characters in comics.
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Post by jordan on Feb 4, 2015 0:30:52 GMT -5
Don't be sorry! That issue was written before you reviewed mylast issue, so it isn't your fault. The grammar/spelling errors are on account of my failure to edit properly and the fast that the keys on my keyboard are sticking.
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Post by Drake on Mar 2, 2015 21:50:59 GMT -5
Got through the first scene (which I liked btw) when I noticed something big. "Kingpin of crime Wilson Fisk." That's...too up front. Fisk is a businessman. More importantly, he's a damn good businessman. He lays relatively low. Only unsubstantiated rumors can pin him (no pun intended) as the Kingpin. Please, please change that. As the other person who's using him, it's integral to my plans that he isn't so obviously known.
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Post by Drake on Mar 2, 2015 22:03:25 GMT -5
Cool issue. I like the mystery. I like the added humor. It was a bit on the short side, but still quite entertaining. The twist on the apples of Eden was really intriguing.
8/10. Can't wait for more.
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Post by Drake on Mar 12, 2015 17:21:00 GMT -5
Seriously, could you please change the Kingpin thing, Jordan?
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Post by jordan on Mar 14, 2015 22:57:42 GMT -5
Really sorry Drake. My computer was being fixed. I will fix it tomorrow though, I promise.
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Post by Drake on Mar 15, 2015 0:15:10 GMT -5
No worries! Thanks for being so understanding!
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Post by Stardrifter on Mar 15, 2015 20:16:13 GMT -5
The opening was very effective. A little over the top in some of the wording, but very effective. Then you didn't really follow up on it. Beside the investigation, it's kind of left there. There should have been a short follow up scene, either in the latter half of as the end. Something to bring it back into the forefront before ending the issue. Otherwise it feels kinda pointless.
The rest of it was fine. Still not behind any of the characters but it was done well enough. Keep em coming.
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Post by jordan on Mar 17, 2015 9:03:07 GMT -5
Drake: Sorry about the massive wait, but I finally changed it. Stardrifter: Thank you for your comments. I thought about tying it together again at the end of the issue, but just didn't feel it worked at that point.
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Post by Drake on May 11, 2015 14:00:17 GMT -5
Just for the sake of place holding, if Dark City is cancelled (which it seems like it will be), only issues 5-8 will remain in continuity. 9 will be dropped so there's an easier jumping on point and/or a better, more stable place for writers to pick up Jordan's threads.
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