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Post by jordan on Jul 9, 2014 1:23:50 GMT -5
SO #1 is up. I really, really like writing these characters and, after a few drafts over the past few weeks, I hope you guys enjoy my change from Pym to this. How'd I do?!
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Post by thetrueelec on Jul 9, 2014 3:17:23 GMT -5
It was a very enjoyable chapter, the closest thing I have to a complaint is Morbius, a trained SHIELD agent, responding to weird shit hapenning with violence and not really working out what was going on. That is of course nitpicking but still took me out of the story a little bit.
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Post by Drake on Jul 9, 2014 11:23:51 GMT -5
I haven't enjoyed a first chapter of yours this much since Fantastic Four. It was very good. The opening scene probably stood out to me the most as far as how well written it was. I'm liking your use of symbolism here. It isn't at all overdone. I must admit that I am incredibly excited for this title because it's our first real anti-hero/villain title in the reboot so...well, keep on writing. I'm liking this a lot.
8/10
Gotta agree with elec though, Morbius jumping to violence so quickly was a little odd. Maybe the orb's messing with him. Whatever. I like it.
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Post by DiscipleofBob on Jul 9, 2014 11:30:19 GMT -5
There were a few noticeable spelling errors, like "shinning" and some of the names. You could argue creative license with Silvermaine instead of Silvermane, but given our arrangement it really should be Nefaria not Nafaria. Overall though the chapter was well-written though, just those couple noticeable errors.
I don't have a lot of experience with Hood or Morbius outside of villain roles elsewhere. They definitely don't appear to be heroes at all here. That's not a criticism, just a note. This really feels more like a bunch of villains, both mundane and magical, plotting and playing against each other than your usual hero vs villain story, and so far I like it. I wouldn't be surprised if I ended up rooting for the villain team in this. Good work.
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Post by jordan on Jul 9, 2014 12:07:10 GMT -5
My bad with the names. I was winging it for the most part. I'll go in and fix those a little bit later on. As what everyone said, thank you for the kind words. I'm really, really looking forward to writing this series so I hope you're all looking forward to reading it from here. As for what you said Dob, it really is a change from my usual writing of the Good Guys vs. the Bad Guys and that's really what makes me approach this series differently. It really is just a bunch of people doing their things and the darker connections of the city outside of the Spider-Man's and Green Goblins.
As you'll see moving forward as I begin to explore the motivations behind a lot of my characters, the actions they take to achieve their goals and how they deal with the consequences of their actions, you might just end up cheering for the villains of the story. Everyone has a reason and it's my goal through this title to develop what I perceive as my own weakest part of writing, and that's characters. So I'm trying to get you to fall in love with each and every character, no matter how big or small, week or strong, magical or mundane, angelic or demonic--by the end, I kind of hope you want everyone to win.
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Post by Stardrifter on Jul 9, 2014 20:15:14 GMT -5
I agree it's probably your strongest showing in a while. It's clear from a lot of your past attempts that you really want to do a dark, gothic story and I think you finally found a place where it fits.
I don't know much of anything about these characters except for Morbius in Spider-Man TAS(Feliiiiiicia I need plaaaaassssmaaaa!), so I can't really speak to any changes. The only complaint I might have is that some of the dialogue was very over the top. But it's a small complaint.
Keep em coming.
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Post by adrini on Jul 10, 2014 0:14:09 GMT -5
I had trouble following it, which make not connecting unsurprising. I'll read it again, see if that helps.
The writing was good, the pacing was good, it seemed well done but I didn't connect to anyone really. Another reason I might not have connected.
But like I said, I'll read it again.
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Post by jordan on Aug 1, 2014 16:37:23 GMT -5
So there was supposed to be two more scenes, but the issue became too long, so I decided to split it up. So I hope you guys enjoy Dark City #2 as much as you did #1!
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Post by Drake on Aug 2, 2014 14:15:04 GMT -5
It was a little short, but enjoyable. I really like how you're humanizing Lucifer and Parker. The Hood's an interesting protagonist.
My one real complaint (besides it's too short)? It's RoGers not RoDGers. And I hope you had that cleared with Dob.
8/10. Nice issue.
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Post by jordan on Aug 2, 2014 14:58:47 GMT -5
No it was just a misspelling. I always spell Rodgers that way. I'll fix it when I have more time.
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Post by jordan on Aug 4, 2014 1:06:25 GMT -5
Just put up #3. Where it isn't ,y favorite, it was the funnest to write, and I hope you guys really enjoy the first ever appearance of All Star Doctor Strange!
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Post by Stardrifter on Aug 4, 2014 10:38:54 GMT -5
2 was really short. 3 was much better for length.
The writing is fine, no issues there, but the plot is...strange. Parker's decisions don't add up for me, and Lucifer just seems out of place. I think you're being a bit too matter of fact with the mystical nature of the series when some more explanation and wonder would help. At least in my eyes.
Keep em coming.
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Post by jordan on Aug 4, 2014 11:47:45 GMT -5
Originally 2+3 was just going to be a single issue, but it was almost 5000 words and I cap my issues at 2500 with few exceptions. Anyway, where #2 might have felt short, it was only 300 words shy of 2500, which #3 hit almost on the nose.
Which ones of Parkers decisions exactly doesn't make since? Also, the magical side if things to this point hasn't been too wonderful up to this point. Lucifer is a fallen angel, Parker is his son and Olivier is a war demon. The magic is a part of their lives, so they do just deal with it matter of factly.
Once issue #4 hits the boards (hopefully in the next few days) not only well Doctor Stange have some.more traditional magic but, after #4 the encounters between Parker and Kingpin will flare up and watching Kingpin deal with magic should be very interesting for you.
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Post by Drake on Aug 4, 2014 12:54:48 GMT -5
That was an interesting issue. Your characters are certainly coming into their own, and I was actually amused at the Hood's enforcers fail. This title could continue to use humor like that. I'm not quite sure how I feel about your Doc Strange, but we haven't gotten too much of him so we'll see. My final critique is that some of your dialogue is a little stilted, but it isn't too bad.
Anyway, I'll go with an 8.25/10. It's an improvement, but not drastically.
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Post by jordan on Aug 4, 2014 13:02:34 GMT -5
Most of the humor in this title will be like the Hood's Enforcers fail, partially because I'm not very good at the quips, and they kind of seem out of place IMO. Of course, there are bound to be a few quips, but most of the humor will be in that vein. I'm glad you liked it! I have a lot of time to write lately, so #4 should be coming soon with more Doctor Strange!
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Post by thejellyfish on Aug 4, 2014 18:01:29 GMT -5
This is definitely one of the top titles on this site. I love everything your doing, the gang war, Hood, Dr. Strange, all of it. It's very fun. It's well written and very well thought out. I'm surprised at how well it adapts to changes in the site. I was bummed that Sorceror Supreme wasn't happening, but them you got Dr. Strange and got his first appearance up very fast, and it was a good chapter to boot. Also, you actually used my last name in the first chapter. I'm not saying what it was, but it's in there.
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Post by Stardrifter on Aug 4, 2014 18:12:52 GMT -5
Also, you actually used my last name in the first chapter. I'm not saying what it was, but it's in there. Obviously it's Nafaria.
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Post by thejellyfish on Aug 4, 2014 19:02:35 GMT -5
Shhhh
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Post by jordan on Aug 5, 2014 0:35:59 GMT -5
This is definitely one of the top titles on this site. I love everything your doing, the gang war, Hood, Dr. Strange, all of it. It's very fun. It's well written and very well thought out. I'm surprised at how well it adapts to changes in the site. I was bummed that Sorceror Supreme wasn't happening, but them you got Dr. Strange and got his first appearance up very fast, and it was a good chapter to boot. Also, you actually used my last name in the first chapter. I'm not saying what it was, but it's in there. Well thanks for the compliments, first off! It's nice to hear someone likes my story so much! Secondly, Dark City wasn't something I had originally planned. Originally, I wanted to do a Doctor Strange story about Doctor Strange stopping a gang war between the Hood and Kingpin with Dormammu and Baron Mordo mixed in, but Doctor Strange was claimed for Sorcerers Supreme, so I couldn't. I took the villains side of my story and turned it into the center of the title, and I really think it works better now! It did make it very easy once Doctor Strange became available to add him to the story though, because I had already planned the story with him, essentially. Obviously, my story has developed A LOT since the initial plot, but Doctor Strange is still a welcome addition to the cast.
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Post by jordan on Aug 5, 2014 2:06:32 GMT -5
I've had the writing bug over the past week, and I'm really excited about this title! I think I'm having more fun with each and every issue I write and I hope you guys are at least enjoying them all equally! Anyway, #4 is up featuring the first appearance of the Brothers Grimm and a more proper scene of Doctor Strange! Plus, it starts to answer some of the questions asked in previous chapters! But don't worry, it leaves many questions unaswered and even asks a few new ones! I hope you guys enjoy it!
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Post by Drake on Aug 5, 2014 20:23:58 GMT -5
So first off, I've got a question. The wording was a bit weird near the end so it was tough to tell what you were saying. Strange calls Mephisto I'm assuming the first herald of Cthon, but Mephisto says Michael came before him, and before Michael came the Hood? I mean, the Hood before Michael bit is obvious, but the part about Mephisto.........
Anyway, next. The positive. This was a very interesting chapter. I'm certainly intrigued by the myth and the mysteries and how these gems appear to almost be like the supernatural equivalent of the Infinity Gems. BUT.....
1. There's two continuity errors. You mention four stones in the myth but then have Strange cite seven. Also, you mention "man" (presumably humans) in the first paragraph but then go on to explain that three of them later created humanity. Doesn't really make sense.
2. I REALLY don't like how you're establishing Atlantis without first claiming it. I guess you're leaving the modern Atlantis open for interpretation, but it doesn't sit well with me. I'm having to claim every civilization that I even mention, let alone develop. It just kinda irks me. On a similar note, giving an explanation to the beginning of humanity is ok (mostly because I assume it could be taken as ONE interpretation of the beginning) but it still treads on rough ground. You probably should have at least contacted the other admins first. Hell, you should've brought it up in discussion.
Now, for the issue itself I'd give you an 8.5/10. Honestly, this was the most enjoyable yet. HOWEVER as a writer I'd give you a 5/10 because you dropped the ball on what's acceptable without at least contacting the other admins.
EDIT: Just something else to add, I really like how you're developing a smaller (which is funny considering it's about something as big as who's going to rule the crime of NYC) story alongside this big ass mythic story. That's really cool, and it's something I'll be doing with Guardians as well down the line. Also, making Lucifer NOT Satan is interesting, and certainly makes him even a little more anti-heroic (although I'd still say he's firmly bad). That does bring into discussion the topic of Heaven, which appears to have nothing to do with Christianity. I'm gonna go on a limb and assume there's multiple, because you establish Christian elements and supernatural, and you've mentioned Heaven but the one you've expressly shown in story was for three gods, not God and angels.
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Post by thetrueelec on Aug 5, 2014 23:31:25 GMT -5
I agree with Drake, it feels wrong to have Atlantis established in a series that has nothing to do with Atlantis. Apart from that it was a good issue.
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Post by jordan on Aug 6, 2014 2:02:08 GMT -5
So first off, I've got a question. The wording was a bit weird near the end so it was tough to tell what you were saying. Strange calls Mephisto I'm assuming the first herald of Cthon, but Mephisto says Michael came before him, and before Michael came the Hood? I mean, the Hood before Michael bit is obvious, but the part about Mephisto......... Anyway, next. The positive. This was a very interesting chapter. I'm certainly intrigued by the myth and the mysteries and how these gems appear to almost be like the supernatural equivalent of the Infinity Gems. BUT..... 1. There's two continuity errors. You mention four stones in the myth but then have Strange cite seven. Also, you mention "man" (presumably humans) in the first paragraph but then go on to explain that three of them later created humanity. Doesn't really make sense. 2. I REALLY don't like how you're establishing Atlantis without first claiming it. I guess you're leaving the modern Atlantis open for interpretation, but it doesn't sit well with me. I'm having to claim every civilization that I even mention, let alone develop. It just kinda irks me. On a similar note, giving an explanation to the beginning of humanity is ok (mostly because I assume it could be taken as ONE interpretation of the beginning) but it still treads on rough ground. You probably should have at least contacted the other admins first. Hell, you should've brought it up in discussion. Now, for the issue itself I'd give you an 8.5/10. Honestly, this was the most enjoyable yet. HOWEVER as a writer I'd give you a 5/10 because you dropped the ball on what's acceptable without at least contacting the other admins. EDIT: Just something else to add, I really like how you're developing a smaller (which is funny considering it's about something as big as who's going to rule the crime of NYC) story alongside this big ass mythic story. That's really cool, and it's something I'll be doing with Guardians as well down the line. Also, making Lucifer NOT Satan is interesting, and certainly makes him even a little more anti-heroic (although I'd still say he's firmly bad). That does bring into discussion the topic of Heaven, which appears to have nothing to do with Christianity. I'm gonna go on a limb and assume there's multiple, because you establish Christian elements and supernatural, and you've mentioned Heaven but the one you've expressly shown in story was for three gods, not God and angels. So on a few things: Drake, my wording was strange for the most part. But, if you reread it not only can you probably figure out the secret of Mephisto, but you can also figure what it's saying. On to your other things. 1. If you read it there was 1 stone that split into seven. Also, I was going more for Gaea created the more advanced humans that are civilized compared to the less civilized ones that foraged for food. I can see where I might have come off wrong. 2. I can see where you would have a problem with it, but I'm not trying to say that this is how humanity was created, this is how Atlantis was made and sank or anything. It's a creation myth, and that's exactly what it is, a myth. In future chapters I'll talk about the Christian Heaven and the Jewish Heaven and all of these things, I'm not trying to say that this is this and that's it, I'm saying this is a myth. And I understand why you guys would have a problem with the Atlantis thing, and I can switch one of my unused claims for it if you'd want me to. It's your guys call. But I'm glad you enjoyed the story at least!
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Post by jordan on Aug 6, 2014 2:11:50 GMT -5
Also I never plan on touching Atlantis again, so if I do have to claim it, I'll immediately open that claim up for anyone who wants it.
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Post by Drake on Aug 6, 2014 12:17:26 GMT -5
I'm definitely conflicted when it comes to Atlantis. I'll let elec weigh in more before I decide anything.
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Post by thetrueelec on Aug 6, 2014 19:03:21 GMT -5
I think as long as it's a myth and nobody has to use it as backstory if they claim Atlantis I think it's fine.
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Post by jordan on Aug 7, 2014 1:26:22 GMT -5
Everything in the story of Cthon is a myth. Well, there will be a few things proven to be true, but none of the stuff about Atlantis has to be a thing unless whoever picks it up wants it to be.
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Post by jordan on Aug 8, 2014 16:46:26 GMT -5
#5 is up and starts the war between Kingpin and the Hood forreal!
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Post by Drake on Aug 8, 2014 18:34:26 GMT -5
Nice issue. Decent cliffhanger. This is a continued trend. I'm liking the title.
The added humor was fun, which normally would have ranked you higher, but you really could have used another proof read or two. There were a lot of errors.
8/10
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Post by Stardrifter on Aug 8, 2014 19:01:56 GMT -5
The last two issue have been good. Not great, but good. I feel like the two story threads should have come together stronger than they have. And I know you didn't plan on Strange at first, but his role so far has felt like an extended cameo.
Your passion for the story is definitely coming through. It's clear you're enjoying it and it makes it across the screen. As I said before, it's been the best series you've done so far. Keep em coming.
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