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Post by Sonny Daye on Aug 1, 2015 16:18:10 GMT -5
IIM#1 is coming very soon, so I'm putting this thread up in advance.
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Post by Sonny Daye on Aug 2, 2015 15:24:07 GMT -5
Toldja it was coming very soon! IIM#1 is up!
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Post by Stardrifter on Aug 2, 2015 16:09:06 GMT -5
Interesting. It was very short. It felt like half an issue. Nothing really happened beyond exposition. It's cool that you're forgoing the origin story, and the meeting was a good way to do it, but then you should have dived into...something. Plot.
I don't know how much experience you have or how much constructive criticism you're looking for. So I'll also just say that while I've never been to an AA meeting, I know they don't consist walking out the door after you give a speech. You have to listen to others. I'd also question Tony even going to a normal AA meeting and not a therapist. And even if he did, it's missing the whole Anonymous part.
Dont rush things. Take your time. Keep em coming.
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Post by Drake on Aug 2, 2015 16:54:53 GMT -5
It was definitely short, but it's the first issue and like a prologue of sorts so it's fine. Now that you've gotten the origin exposition out of the way, I hope you'll jump right into the plot, otherwise things will get stale really quickly.
I've been to an AA meeting (not for me, but a relative) and it's nothing like what is in the issue. Now, to be fair, this is Tony Stark we're talking about here. Maybe this wasn't an AA meeting. Maybe he decided to give a speech about his troubled life to a crowd of similarly troubled people because he's an egomaniac. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt here. I will say, though, whether this was an AA meeting or not, I really like the idea of Tony humbling himself to go to one.
Your Tony's different, and yet very familiar. I like how he recognizes his error in cursing or using the Lord's name in a church, but does it anyway. That just seems very Tony Stark in a way that I don't think is explored often.
One last nitpick, slow down with the ellipses. You use them as much as I use hair color. XD
7/10. I would rate it lower because of the aforementioned critiques, but I really like your characterization of Tony and am optimistic of this title's future.
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Post by SpiritofPengeance on Aug 2, 2015 17:30:40 GMT -5
I feel bad for beating a dead horse but yeah, a bit short. I won't repeat what Drake and Star said as those are my only criticisms. I still enjoyed the issue (quality over quantity right) and I found that I really liked Tony during throughout it. Most people probably wouldn't write a nervous and self conscious Tony Satrk but I felt you did him justice. I'm happy that you're using Jarvis the Butler rather than JARVIS, not that I don't like the A.I. but ever since the movie I barely ever see human Jarvis in fanfiction. I'm excited about this story. I can't wait to see if we find out about Tony's previous adventures or if we get to fill in the blanks from the little bits given to us. Either way, I'm glad to be along for the ride. 7.5/10-I liked the characters and I'm excited about the fact that we're leaping into Iron Man, not strolling through another almost identical to all the others.
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Post by Sonny Daye on Aug 2, 2015 18:05:38 GMT -5
Stardrifter I am open to harsh criticisms, as long as you provide tips on how to improve. Drake I'm just trying to make him sound like RDJ human. Oh well. And yes, there will be plot...
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Post by adrini on Aug 2, 2015 21:24:02 GMT -5
I will also own it's not like AA meetings I heard about (also a relative - but highly understandable. He lost his spouse). This being said, it works. It's very Tony.
Background can be heavy, and we've heard it before.This got it out of the way.
You also have real technical skill in writing, well done. The only real complaint is that I wanted more. It's a good complaint.
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Post by Sonny Daye on Aug 3, 2015 8:08:19 GMT -5
adrini Thank you. And don't worry, there'll be more.
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Post by DiscipleofBob on Aug 3, 2015 17:06:11 GMT -5
I liked it. Yes it was short, but it was a good prologue chapter. You established a lot of important background information quickly in a way that didn't feel like hamfisted exposition. From what I've seen so far, the writings of excellent quality. I hope we can look forward to more of the same in your next chapter.
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Post by Sonny Daye on Aug 5, 2015 15:07:27 GMT -5
By the way, guys, I do plan on doing an origin story, but it won't be until I get a few solid arcs in.
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Post by Sonny Daye on Aug 6, 2015 9:44:41 GMT -5
#2 is up!
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Post by Drake on Aug 6, 2015 10:30:06 GMT -5
I don't think I ever clarified this point, so it's fine, but the villain's name is "Boomerang" not "Captain Boomerang." Captain Boomerang is a DC villain. I mostly used that name as an in-joke.
EDIT: Reading more now...
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Post by Drake on Aug 6, 2015 10:54:00 GMT -5
Well, that was an unexpected and great ending, particularly considering it had to be at least slightly improvised as you were writing. ;P Just teasing, haha! I only assume that's the case after our conversations a couple days ago.
For anyone curious, I ok'd the Spidey cameo.
Now, onto the review. This was a much better issue all around. I'm glad you wrote that "prologue" issue, because the two together make a hell of a first issue. The humor was mostly on point (I was dying laughing at the end of your first scene) and I really enjoyed how you capitalized on your mistakes from last issue and used them to inform your characterization of Tony. It's always better to take critiques and use them to your advantage, instead of just saying 'I'll do better next time.' So, good job on that. Your Spidey characterization was ok at the start, but he got funnier as you went along. I really loved how he was completely ignored by the reporter. Even as a privatized superhero, he still gets ignored when Iron Man's around.
As for my critiques, Blizzard seemed a little one note and stereotypical. To be fair, you're going to be using him more which will allow you to develop his character some. However, to clarify what I mean by my critique, I just found he yelled a lot of unfunny curse words and weak one liners, as if you couldn't decide whether to make him a joke or a serious, if stereotypically temporary (which would be fine) threat. That blurred line made it tough for me to establish how I felt about him as a character. However, as with Spider-Man, he got better as you went along.
You should describe Justin's appearance some, if only because there have been so many incarnations of the character and it's tough to tell which one you're going for. In fact, I'd guess you're going for a completely original one, because the one in the movie didn't have a Southern accent, and I'm 99% sure the old man one from the comics doesn't.
Just wanna say I really liked the Pepsi scene. You had me going. I was seriously going to berate Tony for drinking alcohol after the speech, but it turned out to be a bait-and-switch done quite well.
While some plot was established, it almost felt expected, particularly for someone like Tony. Before reading the issue, if I'd have to guess who the first bad guy was it would be either 1) Mandarin back for revenge with the Ten Rings or 2) some corporate evil rival who wants Tony dead. Ding ding ding. We have a winner. And, by the way, I find this to be a problem in the movies too. That's not to say you can't do it well; it's just done SO much. As a recommendation (for my sanity lol), you should try to delve outside of the usual Iron Man Rogues Gallery, or at least mold a few characters so we aren't getting a lot of "corporate assholes and their lackeys" stories. To start out, it's totally fine. I just don't want it to be the sole focus of the title.
8.25/10. Great issue! If you keep writing, I'll keep reading.
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Post by DiscipleofBob on Aug 6, 2015 12:03:36 GMT -5
Loved the issue. I love Tony as the recovering alcoholic who still has a LOT of room for improvement as a person. This is going to be one of those reviews that will probably be a little short but only because there's so little to complain about. Your prologue gave us the exposition we needed to bring us up to speed, but this chapter gave us the real introductions to the actual persons. Loved how Spider-Man got ignored, but politely. Classic. Blizzard got beat fast, but not completely dismissed as evidenced by the end of the chapter.
There were only a few very small, nitpicking issues I could really find.
When you described Blizzard's appearance, it felt a little forced. Descriptive, yes, but I feel it could have been a bit more elegant and worked into the story better. Sometimes that's okay though, to get a little clunky description out of the way as fast as possible so you can get to the action, and you did that here.
Captain Boomerang is a DC Flash villain. Boomerang is the Marvel villain, though I guess it doesn't really hurt anything to change his name or for his name to be mistaken or something.
Justin Hammer's accent seems way off. I wouldn't even know what you were going for if you didn't mention southern accent.
Other than that though, this was a great issue and I look forward to more.
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Post by Sonny Daye on Aug 6, 2015 12:52:01 GMT -5
Thank you guys for the great comments! Drake I'm basing Hammer off his Ultimate incarnation. He's obviouslu older, since his daughter and granddaughter are gonna show up. The Boomerang mess-up was all on me. I've never been introduced to him in the comics. With Blizzard, I'm trying to make him both funny and diabolical. Still haven't figured out how to do that.
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Post by thejellyfish on Aug 6, 2015 15:40:02 GMT -5
I actually kinda like the idea of people calling Boomerang by Captain Boomerang as a running gag.
Great chapter. I enjoyed the humor immensely. I feel like your Iron Man is like Superior Iron Man, but not as Superior, if that makes sense. It makes for great comedy and storytelling potential and I love it.
Can't wait for more.
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Post by Stardrifter on Aug 8, 2015 19:03:33 GMT -5
I agree this was a great issue. I think you should have combined the two to be honest. It could have been one great opening issue.
The opening with Spider-Man was very well done, though the scene felt a little too Spidey focused. And I got a DCAU Flash/Trickster vibe from the interactions with Tony and Blizzard.
The soda bit was...meh. It would have worked better on screen than in print. As I read it I rolled my eyes.
That's about the only nitpicks beyond the Boomerang thing you can edit and a couple spelling issues. Nothing major. I enjoyed the issue. This is what #1 should have been. Keep em coming.
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Post by Sonny Daye on Aug 8, 2015 19:30:48 GMT -5
Stardrifter Thanks. By "soda bit" do you mean just the bait-and-switch, or the whole scene?
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Post by Stardrifter on Aug 8, 2015 19:38:06 GMT -5
The bait and switch.
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Post by Sonny Daye on Aug 11, 2015 21:21:35 GMT -5
#3 is up!
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Post by adrini on Aug 11, 2015 22:54:01 GMT -5
Taking notes as I read.
Firstly for chapter 2.
Good. I liked it. A little unsure about a cross over this early, but it was handled well. There is an obvious movie influence but we've all done that, and making the transition comes in time.
Chapter 3.
-Grammar note. Dialogue needs to come with some kind of description or movement. Nothing earth shaking, just bare without it. -Visiting how Tony's addition affected others was nice. It felt slightly forced, but it cemented that Tony has a backing of a family, which is huge for a recovering addict. Very important. -Hap and Pepper just feels doomed. -The villain was okay, poverty is a real problem. I would have liked abuse from work, or police or such as well. But not bad.
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Post by Drake on Aug 11, 2015 23:12:02 GMT -5
So, I feel as if this issue is a noticeable step down from the last, but it's by no means bad. In fact, I'd say it's good, just not nearly as good as your last.
For starters, Happy stutters a lot. Like, almost unrealistically a lot. This is totally a nitpick, but for a bodyguard he doesn't seem very imposing. Also--again, a nitpick--I get why Pep and Hap are such similar nicknames--them being a couple and all--but they feel forced. After all, Pepper and Happy are nicknames themselves. I get it, but....I don't know. Threw me out of the story.
Something about Tony this issue was off putting to me. He just reads like a manchild. I feel like he shouldn't take Rhodey's comment so personally. He's a grown adult. He asked the question. He should expect a legitimate, honest answer. Plus, Rhodey was being nice about it.
I really like Donnie as a villain. I'm so glad you picked him up! He's just very unique in that he's pathetic and scary at the same time.
A bit of a nitpick, but it's a legit critique too, Donnie would've totally had the shit beaten out of him in his neighborhood if he wasn't outright killed for wearing that guard suit. Also, no one stutters in their thoughts. Our brains just don't work like that.
Hammer not picking up the prototype makes him seem like an idiot. 'Nuff said.
7.5/10.
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Post by thejellyfish on Aug 11, 2015 23:18:06 GMT -5
I was okay with this issue. Plot moved a bit, stuff happened. Everyone's kinda said everything that needs to be said about it.
But, I was reminded of the first episode of Rick and Morty at the end there.
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Post by Sonny Daye on Aug 12, 2015 0:30:35 GMT -5
Drake I've been characterizing Tony as a manchild since #2. You didn't get to see it in #1 since it's just him talking. What goes hand-in-hand with his manchild-ness is his insecurity, which is why he snapped Rhodey, despite him expecting the answer that he got. Tony has every reason to be the way I'm making him, as he: A. has been kidnapped by terrorists, B. has failed his company and driven it to the ground, C. watched his mom die, and D. witnessed his dad try to murder someone. No one speaks perfectly, bro. That's why even Happy stutters. Plus, he was emotional.
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Post by Drake on Aug 12, 2015 1:36:51 GMT -5
I can buy the Tony argument, although I still don't think it excuses him. When you're 45, there's no excuse for acting like a 15-year-old.
I don't buy the Happy argument. I agree no one speaks perfectly, but most people also don't stutter that much.
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Post by Sonny Daye on Aug 12, 2015 13:01:10 GMT -5
I-i-i-it's n-not l-l-l-l-like h-he's...t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-talking l-l-l-like th-th-th-this-s-s.
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Post by Drake on Aug 12, 2015 13:43:02 GMT -5
I know. Honestly, I'd be fine with it if it was nearly anyone else, like, say, Donnie, but Happy IMHO should be a little more controlled. I mentioned this was a nitpick. You can take it or leave it.
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Post by Stardrifter on Aug 12, 2015 16:05:04 GMT -5
Good issue. There seemed like a lot of missing words though. Some sentences just had words missing. I got the gist but it was annoying.
I did notice the stuttering thing with Happy, but I feel your argument is flawed Drake. You yourself say not MANY people talk like that, and he's not even as bad as it can get, so why not? Maybe he has a stutter problem. Maybe it used to be worse and he got over it. It's a real issue. As for Happy being imposing, well he's off the clock. Not everyone is imposing all the time.
The Tony man child thing was okay. It does give him a place to grow toward. It does make him less appealing though.
Only other thing I'd say is you don't have to censor words. Doing pretty well though. Keep em coming.
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Post by adrini on Aug 12, 2015 17:04:46 GMT -5
I do get that he studders. But it was over done, more distracting. It might be a matter of less is more.
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Post by Drake on Aug 12, 2015 17:58:57 GMT -5
I have no problem with a character doing it. It just felt wrong for Happy. Adrini said it the best. Anyway, I'm done arguing the point. I still liked the issue. That's the sum of my feelings on the matter.
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