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Post by Deleted on Aug 14, 2015 22:16:29 GMT -5
Playing some catchup with all the stories on the site, so please bear with me. I promise that subsequent reviews will be a bit more in depth.
Issue #1: I liked the use of the AA meeting as a means of bypassing the standard origin story. I thought it was a very effective way to bring readers up to speed with where Tony is at in the present day. On the other hand the relative brevity of the story really made it feel more like an issue 0 as opposed to a #1.
Issue #2: I agree with Stardrifter in that these first two issues could have been combined into a spectacular single issue. That being said this was an absolute joy to read. The Spidey cameo left me with a big smile on my face. It may have been better to bring Iron Man onto the scene a little earlier than you did, but that's an extremely minor nitpick.
Issue #3: More of a setup issue, but there's really nothing wrong with that. Sometimes story elements need to be maneuvered into the proper position before proceeding. The idea that Stark is still a weapons manufacturer is something that could be very interesting down the line.
There are a few minor spelling and grammar errors sprinkled throughout the issues, but nothing too distracting from the flow of the story. Overall, I think you're doing a really good job so far and I look forward to reading more.
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Post by DiscipleofBob on Aug 18, 2015 12:08:36 GMT -5
When Drake and Adrini mentioned the excessive stuttering, I had to go back and read the chapter, because I honestly didn't see it. He seems fine to me. I don't know if there have been edits since those comments, but I'm not seeing it. Happy reads fine to me.
All the characters do in fact. I love your Tony. He's not a carbon copy of the comics or the movies, and while he does read a bit like a manchild, I think that's part of the point. He thinks that just because he's become Iron Man and alcoholism that he's the greatest guy on the planet, unaware that he still has growing to do. I love it.
Though for characters, Donnie takes the cake. Perfect balance between a villain you feel sorry for, but not to the point where you want to see him win.
I have only one complaint: the red thought text for Tony? I think it's completely unnecessary. All it's used for is identifying Rhodey, something you can do with just the dialogue. It works better for someone like Spider-Man who has lots of internal monologues, and I'll admit it works well in Donnie's scene, but honestly I think you should steer away from the internal monologue except for specific situations. Excellent chapter and I look forward for more.
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Post by Sonny Daye on Aug 18, 2015 22:40:42 GMT -5
DiscipleofBob I don't edit issues. If I see a problem, I'll delete the issue, fix it, then put it up again. Thanks for your kind comments!
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Post by Drake on Aug 18, 2015 23:10:00 GMT -5
DiscipleofBob I don't edit issues. If I see a problem, I'll delete the issue, fix it, then put it up again. Thanks for your kind comments! Editing is doing the same thing, just without the hassle of reuploading an issue. I'd just edit it if you ever need to in the future.
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Post by SpiritofPengeance on Aug 29, 2015 23:20:27 GMT -5
This is my third attempt at reviewing. The other two times internet troubles got in my way but not today! Anyway I've been enjoying the title. I've really liked Donny Gill so far, he's a bit scary and unhinged and everything I think he needs to be to actually challenge Tony (not sure if that's how it's going to turn out though). I thought Pepper was perhaps being a bit hard on Tony when she talked to Happy about their relationship. I get Tony can be an arrogant asshole but I think that where you've started us, Tony going sober and changing his life, would be a place where Pepper may be a bit more sympathetic towards him. Aside from that I don't have any other negatives I can think of. I like the characters and the setup so far. I loved the scene with Spider-Man, it just felt exactly like something that would happen to Peter. Next chapter I'll do a proper review but now I'm caught up. Good work overall.
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Post by Sonny Daye on Feb 9, 2016 11:51:11 GMT -5
Planning on having the next issue up by the end of the month. I already got a big start on it a few months back.
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Post by Drake on Feb 24, 2016 21:58:51 GMT -5
Rereading this right now. It's a lot of fun.
You might change issue 2's reference of "Captain Boomerang" to just "Boomerang," for continuity's sake. Thanks! Can't wait for issue 4!
EDIT: Just finished. I'm so excited for #4! I truly forgot how fun your title was. Reminds me a bit of Catman on UDC, actually.
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Post by Sonny Daye on Feb 25, 2016 13:42:42 GMT -5
I am so behind on titles, both on ASM and UDC. Whenever you get time, you should PM me a brief summary of everything that's in continuity. Edit: And yeah, this title's a lot different from what I've previously written. Toxin, T-Bolts, and Deadpool were all very dark; I'm glad that I get to write something a little more light-hearted. There'll still be some dark and edgy stuff to come, but it won't drastically affect the overall tone of the title. Edit #2: I forgot to mention my Flash issue on UDC. That was probably the darkest thing I've written...ironically.
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Post by Sonny Daye on Mar 2, 2016 18:51:58 GMT -5
#4 is up!!!
#5 will actually be the end of the "New and Improved" arc. I was just too overwhelmed to get everything tied up in this ish.
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Post by Drake on Mar 2, 2016 19:36:11 GMT -5
I feel bad saying as much, but Iron Man isn't technically in continuity. It's reached five issues, sure, but not five issues since you've returned. Issue 9 will be the continuity mark, sorry to say. On the plus side, that means you have something to work toward!
Anyway, I'm excited! Gonna read the ish right now.
EDIT: Just realized your NEXT issue will be #5. Even still, that means continuity's at issue 8.
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Post by Drake on Mar 2, 2016 20:02:58 GMT -5
That was a really solid issue, and a great one for you to return with. The characterization has already improved; it's much easier to root for Tony now. I like how Tony started out a little bit awkward with the kids, but slowly grew into being their hero. By the end, with that last girl, he could cheer them up and inspire them in just a minute's visit. Blizzard is as fun as ever, and provides a very interesting type of villain that I'm not sure we've had yet in this universe. I like that Tony and Pepper are beginning to reconcile, and you're doing great world building. None of it feels unnatural. Can't wait for next issue! I have a feeling I know who dies, but I'll just wait and see before discussing it.
A few quick critiques: 1. Some of the transitions are a little melodramatic. It's odd, because some scenes read perfectly, while others are paced a bit oddly. 2. Blizzard couldn't tell the difference between Hammer's picture and the real deal? Also, how'd he get into the office so easily. Anyway, I'm just gonna assume the lenses in his suit are tough to see through (which might actually make sense), and he couldn't make out much. I suppose he could have also flown up to Hammer's office, but you'd think there would be a security alert. This is kind of nitpicky, but I think you should slow down and make sure to think through the little things. For me, that's usually what makes a story.
Anyway, another great, fun issue. I liken your title to Catman on UDC (one of my faves), only the grammar is cleaner, and it's a bit less gritty. 8.2/10. I'd rate it higher, but I have a feeling it's only going to get better from here.
One last thing, I edited issue 2 with the "Boomerang" (not Captain Boomerang) corrections. I didn't touch anything else. I apologize if I overstepped my grounds, but you hadn't done it yet, and I don't want to confuse anyone who might read your title.
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Post by DiscipleofBob on Mar 2, 2016 20:31:30 GMT -5
Good issue with a lot of great character development, relationship building, and war building, even though most of the actual plot seemed to be exposition and setup for the next big chapter. Your dialogue is very well done and the characters have a lot of personality to them.
My only criticism is that I would like to see more descriptive flavor text. It's not that it's difficult to set the scenes in my mind, your dialogue does well enough to establish what the characters are, it's just that it would help the atmosphere if you used a little more description, small details, and minor character actions in between dialogue. You have a little bit of that in Pepper's scene and Blizzard's first scene, but I'd personally like to see more. It may help the chapter not feel as short and it might even help with pacing.
But overall, a great chapter, and a welcome return of Iron Man.
Hopefully we can get him into continuity this time.
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Post by Sonny Daye on Mar 2, 2016 21:24:10 GMT -5
Drake So, if I were to leave at, say, #8, Iron Man still wouldn't be in continuity? I'm not saying I will leave, but you never know. Life is unpredictable. Regarding your criticisms, Blizzard knew very well that he was talking to Hammer's portrait. I forgot to mention this, but the reason why Blizzard was in his office in the first place was because he simply figured that would be where Hammer was. It was also so I could do another bait-and-switch. Also, you question how he got into the office, but not into the auditorium? XD Could you also get into more detail about the melodramatic transitions? I'm a little confused by what you mean there. And, as I stated before, I haven't read Catman. DiscipleofBob Thank you, and I will try to get more description in. But I actually do want to keep these issues rather short. #5 might end up longer than #1 but shorter than #2. This arc wasn't even supposed to reach #5, but I was tired so I decided to end it with Blizzard busting in.
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Post by Drake on Mar 2, 2016 21:37:36 GMT -5
Drake So, if I were to leave at, say, #8, Iron Man still wouldn't be in continuity? I'm not saying I will leave, but you never know. Life is unpredictable. Regarding your criticisms, Blizzard knew very well that he was talking to Hammer's portrait. I forgot to mention this, but the reason why Blizzard was in his office in the first place was because he simply figured that would be where Hammer was. It was also so I could do another bait-and-switch. Also, you question how he got into the office, but not into the auditorium? XD Could you also get into more detail about the melodramatic transitions? I'm a little confused by what you mean there. And, as I stated before, I haven't read Catman. If you left at #8, it would be in continuity. Sorry for bringing up Catman again when you have no reference for it. I honestly forgot I'd mentioned it. As for the melodrama, upon a second reading it didn't really bother me. I took some things out of context (from specifics in the previous issues), which screwed me up. The whole crowd crying and Hammer working them up that quickly was a bit odd, and partly what I was referring to. He didn't speak for that long and some people just burst into tears. They also loved him like frantic political supporters. I've never really gotten that vibe from old CEOs before, but I guess Hammer could be the first. Tears was a bit much for me, though. Again, emphasis on the 'me' there.
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Post by Sonny Daye on Mar 11, 2016 18:37:51 GMT -5
#5 is up, and thus concludeth the "New and Improved" arc!
I wanted this to be shorter than #4, but for some reason it ended up being longer...
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Post by Drake on Mar 11, 2016 20:52:52 GMT -5
I'm glad it was longer because that meant there was more story to enjoy! So, I'll start with critiques and then get to the things I right so I end this on a high note. Hammer's very proud, but egging Gill on seemed to be a bit much. He literally tells Gill to just kill him. Your take on Betty is fun, if a bit off-putting. She does seem like a 15-year-old girl, so I'm glad you addressed that, but it's still an odd move overall. Nitpick, but Tony never gives a vocal command nor types anything to open the Mark 20's case. Jarvis kind of comes out of nowhere, particularly since we haven't met him in person. Lastly, Tony's one of the smartest men - scratch that, heroes - in the world, but he didn't bother to check to see if Gill was alive. First off it's unheroic, but second it's dumb. I hope Blizzard didn't escape. Now the good. As always, Blizzard is an awesome character. He's stupid and crazy and fun and scary; I love it! I like how Hammer played him, even if he's asking to get killed. Bruce being a college student is an interesting take. I'm excited to see where it goes. It was nice of you to include the picture of the armor. You should definitely continue to do that in the future. The fight was well done, and I really enjoyed how you built up Tony's paranoia in such a short time...although you did away with it quickly. The irony of Hammer surviving Blizzard's attack, but potentially dying from a heart attack is hilarious in a dark way. The ending's exciting too! It's interesting how we'll both be introducing different parts of the F4 mythos in the present day before the actual series catches up. Overall, this was probably my favorite issue yet. It was flawed, certainly, but a lot of fun with some heart and great easter eggs! 8.5/10
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Post by Sonny Daye on Mar 11, 2016 21:02:14 GMT -5
His paranoia is still gonna be there, but it'll be buried. H left Donnie laying there because 1) the ambulance and police were on their way anyway 2) fifteen things were going through his mind when Donnie told him to watch his back. I'll try to hold back on Betty teen-ness (Agent DeWolff would hate her guts). The MK20 coming out of nowhere was an honest mistake, and I admit I brought Jarvis in too quickly. Did you also notice how he just kinda disappeared after Iron Man threw Blizzard into the ground?
I did take your comment of "thinking things through" from last issue. Like when Tony was looking for a place to throw Blizzard. Being New York, I knew that would be difficult. I also knew $15,000 would be kinda low for someone like Donnie to be bailed.
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Post by Sonny on Mar 12, 2016 0:50:44 GMT -5
The pic of the MK20 shows up on mobile. Thank God. - S.D.
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Post by Sonny Daye on Mar 12, 2016 17:03:14 GMT -5
Drake By the way, I'm glad you like the Easter eggs because this title is probably going to be 40% continuity porn.
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Post by DiscipleofBob on Mar 13, 2016 10:00:46 GMT -5
- Hammer's supposed to be this business mastermind to rival Stark and Osborn, but you overdo the accent, and as such he loses credibility every time he says something like "Mistah Gill." He sounds more like Harley Quinn there. The point is, once you've established the general accent, I would downplay actually typing out the accent of a character, unless the accent is very, VERY thick to the point of they should always be somewhat difficult to understand. Otherwise the accent becomes the entirety of the character and any other traits fail to shine through.
- Why do I get the feeling that the voice in Gill's head is some really frustrated shoulder devil or something? Make him pay... "Right! I'll make him give me all the moneys!" No, I meant in the vengeance sort of way! Pay with his life! Ugh... forget it.
- Holy crap, Betty Ross is annoying. As in, two lines of dialogue from her and I want Donnie Gill to permanently ice her annoying. Drake can get away with some of the immature personality traits because ASM is a bunch of college students and young adults, but Betty's supposedly a 32-year old talking about f***boys and asking if an 18-year old she might be working with is 'cute.' And while TV appearances I can understand because of talk shows and the like, what in the multiverse could possibly benefit Tony Stark by appearing in music videos?
- You're inconsistent with your ellipses, sometimes even in the same sentence.
- I'm going to disagree with Drake here. IMO, don't include pictures mid-story. It's very distracting. Start a profile thread for stuff like that. Plus it feels like you're copping out of actually describing the suit and not letting your reader picture it in their heads.
- This time I'll agree with Drake. This is an odd first appearance for Jarvis. It's even odder that you're putting expositionary dialogue about how Jarvis knew Stark all his life right at this moment. It doesn't add anything to the scene, so I'm wondering why it's there.
- Spelling typo you may want to fix: You currently have Stark "pined" against the wall. And unless Gill there's an air freshener involved I don't think that's the word you were going for.
- Okay, here's an opportunity to make your combat a little more dynamic. "He began hammering Blizzard with punches" could be improved by just removing 'began'. A better example could be: "He hammered Blizzard-one punch to the chest, another to the head" etc. "Began hammering" distances the reader from the action because the action there is "began" which is boring, instead of "hammered" which is the descriptive verb that you want to focus on.
- I'm not sure why the 'pull out' comment would be offensive, unless there was an implication about illegitimate children of Stark or something (Game of Thrones anyone?). Crude, yes, but not really insulting.
- There's a few awkward moments in the fight. Specifically, when Tony Stark needs to think about ramming Blizzard into the street, as if it's a new, genius, revolutionary idea to throw a bad guy into the street. Also, the random "Oh, how I love thee." internal monologue, not just because Stark suddenly thinking in Medieval is odd, but because this is the only bit of internal monologue we get from Stark. If Stark's internal thoughts were a consistent part of the story it'd be more understandable, but here it's just out of place.
- Stark has Reed Richards' personal number? I suppose it would make sense for two celebrities to know each other, but the last line of "My name's Tony Stark..." implies that Tony Stark needs to introduce himself. I'm sure most people who want to get in touch with Tony have to through Pepper or one of numerous people who handle that sort of thing. Reed and the rest of the F4 would have similar channels in the present. It also implies that Reed wouldn't know who Tony Stark is by reputation if nothing else, and Reed's not that out of touch.
Overall, some good, chaotic action that is occasionally difficult to follow but not too bad. Also we have several subplots set up for next arc, so that's something to look forward to.
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Post by Sonny Daye on Mar 13, 2016 13:06:29 GMT -5
- Hammer's supposed to be this business mastermind to rival Stark and Osborn, but you overdo the accent, and as such he loses credibility every time he says something like "Mistah Gill." He sounds more like Harley Quinn there. The point is, once you've established the general accent, I would downplay actually typing out the accent of a character, unless the accent is very, VERY thick to the point of they should always be somewhat difficult to understand. Otherwise the accent becomes the entirety of the character and any other traits fail to shine through. - Why do I get the feeling that the voice in Gill's head is some really frustrated shoulder devil or something? Make him pay... "Right! I'll make him give me all the moneys!" No, I meant in the vengeance sort of way! Pay with his life! Ugh... forget it.- Holy crap, Betty Ross is annoying. As in, two lines of dialogue from her and I want Donnie Gill to permanently ice her annoying. Drake can get away with some of the immature personality traits because ASM is a bunch of college students and young adults, but Betty's supposedly a 32-year old talking about f***boys and asking if an 18-year old she might be working with is 'cute.' And while TV appearances I can understand because of talk shows and the like, what in the multiverse could possibly benefit Tony Stark by appearing in music videos? - You're inconsistent with your ellipses, sometimes even in the same sentence. - I'm going to disagree with Drake here. IMO, don't include pictures mid-story. It's very distracting. Start a profile thread for stuff like that. Plus it feels like you're copping out of actually describing the suit and not letting your reader picture it in their heads. - This time I'll agree with Drake. This is an odd first appearance for Jarvis. It's even odder that you're putting expositionary dialogue about how Jarvis knew Stark all his life right at this moment. It doesn't add anything to the scene, so I'm wondering why it's there. - Spelling typo you may want to fix: You currently have Stark "pined" against the wall. And unless Gill there's an air freshener involved I don't think that's the word you were going for. - Okay, here's an opportunity to make your combat a little more dynamic. "He began hammering Blizzard with punches" could be improved by just removing 'began'. A better example could be: "He hammered Blizzard-one punch to the chest, another to the head" etc. "Began hammering" distances the reader from the action because the action there is "began" which is boring, instead of "hammered" which is the descriptive verb that you want to focus on. - I'm not sure why the 'pull out' comment would be offensive, unless there was an implication about illegitimate children of Stark or something (Game of Thrones anyone?). Crude, yes, but not really insulting. - There's a few awkward moments in the fight. Specifically, when Tony Stark needs to think about ramming Blizzard into the street, as if it's a new, genius, revolutionary idea to throw a bad guy into the street. Also, the random "Oh, how I love thee." internal monologue, not just because Stark suddenly thinking in Medieval is odd, but because this is the only bit of internal monologue we get from Stark. If Stark's internal thoughts were a consistent part of the story it'd be more understandable, but here it's just out of place. - Stark has Reed Richards' personal number? I suppose it would make sense for two celebrities to know each other, but the last line of "My name's Tony Stark..." implies that Tony Stark needs to introduce himself. I'm sure most people who want to get in touch with Tony have to through Pepper or one of numerous people who handle that sort of thing. Reed and the rest of the F4 would have similar channels in the present. It also implies that Reed wouldn't know who Tony Stark is by reputation if nothing else, and Reed's not that out of touch. Overall, some good, chaotic action that is occasionally difficult to follow but not too bad. Also we have several subplots set up for next arc, so that's something to look forward to. You gave me a lot more criticisms than usual. Which is good, don't get me wrong. Always looking for ways to improve. First off, it's "uh" not "ah." Have you ever been in the deep south? I could've gone into his accent a lot more. His character does not revolve around the accent. It's not even supposed to add to his character. It's just...there. I think I've done very well at establishing Hammer as a cold, overconfident, overzealous, yet also cowardly businessman. Yes, yes, I'll do better with Betty. And what's the point of being in all those appearances? Nothing! That's the beauty of it! It's just Tony showing off with his maxi-inflated ego! And woah, Bruce will definitely not be 18. He's working on his Master's, so he'll be in his mid-20s. I like your separate thread idea. I could call it "the Hall of Armors" or something, where I could put detailed information on each and every armor he has. Good advice on the action bits. Nothing to argue with you on that. I'll go into further detail about the contact information. It's not just a "Gee-willickers, what a coincidence!"-type of thing. Is there anything you liked about this issue? Is it really just a giant, mumbled mess? I know you don't actually think that, and I'm not saying it sounded that way, but that was the vibe I was getting.
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Post by DiscipleofBob on Mar 13, 2016 13:19:47 GMT -5
When you're reading, there's not much of a difference between 'uh' and 'ah.' Granted you already established early on it's supposed to be a southern accent, but 'Mistuh Gill' sounds more like a lower class New Yorker to me. Accents are always difficult to convey correctly via writing style.
Don't get me wrong, I liked the issue. I even said so at the end. It's just a lot easier to get into detail on criticisms than it is to get into detail on praises. To paraphrase a saying, you know you're doing something right when no one notices or says anything. Granted I actually did have a few criticisms to say, but they are largely nitpicky details. Don't get the impression that I didn't like the issue. I did. It's just much more difficult to give as much of a detailed review on positive aspects as it is the few negative stuff. A lot of it isn't even negative, just questions I hope you'll cover later, like Stark having Richards's personal number.
The only thing I really, really didn't like was Betsy, but we've covered that.
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Post by Sonny Daye on Mar 13, 2016 16:30:22 GMT -5
Went in and edited some stuff. The biggest change I made was changing "My name is Tony Stark" to "This is Tony Stark". That right there will help.
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Post by adrini on Apr 24, 2016 0:45:53 GMT -5
Grammatical issues, but nothing distracting. Good pacing. Over all a good effort. Two notes.
There is a way to write a southern accent. I'd be happy to help you with it.
The tone of characters. When tony speaks I hear a teen fan who likes Iron man (highly reasonable) but I don't hear a man who survived a kidnapping, came back, took up a mantel, and is now building a life.
Potts is described as a staunch professional but she can read a little young and unfocused also
This being said your protrail of Betty was fairly good. Though "fling" would be a better word.
The good far out weighs the bad, but those are the things I've noticed.
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Post by Sonny Daye on Apr 24, 2016 7:56:37 GMT -5
portrayal*
Thanks for your thoughts, adrini. I actually need to start focusing on getting #6 done.
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Post by Sonny Daye on Apr 25, 2016 21:13:48 GMT -5
IIM#6 is up!
The last half of the issue is quite raunchy, so I'm sorry if it's too adult for you.
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Post by Drake on Apr 25, 2016 22:28:25 GMT -5
I've rarely had a problem with your characterization of Tony, but this issue presented a major one. First--and this is related to the second bit--he's not confident at all. Not as Iron Man, at least, and that's so very...well, not Tony Stark. However, I get why he's unconfident because he's acting incompetent. If he's anything like the movies, he can read the heat signatures of the thugs through the walls and kill them with a few auto-aimed high calibre bullets. A hostage crisis of this sort shouldn't be difficult for the man who's supposedly the world's most famous superhero.
...And suddenly Tony's confident. Huh. I don't know what changed.
Pardon me. I'm writing this as I read the chapter.
The ending scene was interesting, if a bit abrupt. I guess he's a nymphomaniac, so it makes sense. Anyway, I didn't find it all that raunchy. Tony Stark had description-less sex. In other news, water is wet. I did like that you delved into his character a bit more. It was interesting. I was worried you'd ignore the whole "fears" bit but you hit it nicely at the end. It's a bit more telling than is good, but honestly I wasn't that bothered by it, particularly within the context of the scene.
7/10. Too short, and there are a couple odd characterization choices at the start.
EDIT: To summarize my issues with Tony's characterization: he's written like he's dumb and doesn't have the most advanced suit of armor in the world, and he was completely unconfident, despite being a self-declared (and previously shown) narcissist.
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Post by Sonny Daye on Apr 26, 2016 7:54:58 GMT -5
I've gone back and read the issue, and holy crap, I think I was braindead while writing it. Makes sense, since I wrote this at the same timetable I've written all my papers and essays.
I don't really see him being unconfident. Incompetent? Definitely. I'll work on that. He had to confront the goons directly because of the lack of repulsor tech the MK16 has. Plus, Tony didn't want to kill them, so instead he went DCEU Batman on them. The MK16's supposed to be not as advanced, but at the same time, it's more advanced, because of its cloaking technology.
These "The ___ of Tony Stark" issues are supposed to be short. I use them to hone in more on the characterization I have set up for him, as well as bridge to the next arc (I didn't really accomplish the latter).
EDIT: But stil, thanks for the comments. Also... Is this title in continuity yet?
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Post by Drake on Apr 26, 2016 9:21:22 GMT -5
Two more issues.
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Post by Sonny Daye on Apr 26, 2016 9:26:31 GMT -5
Gaaahhh you monster!
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