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Post by ReadingTrance on Mar 7, 2013 21:27:01 GMT -5
I have posted the first chapter to my Blade series.
Say whatever you will below. I appreciate all kinds of feedback, positive and/or negative.
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Post by All Star Silentking on Mar 8, 2013 1:37:31 GMT -5
You bastard! How dare you end the chapter on a cliffhanger! Anyway, it was a good read, although it felt rushed somehow. Either that, or I just really want to read more on Blade's training years. You handled the characters and plot well enough. Can't wait for more. 8.5/10
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Post by Stardrifter on Mar 8, 2013 19:08:08 GMT -5
It definitely felt rushed. I would have liked some more descriptions of the characters. And the events really could have been expanded upon. The old adage, show don't tell works just as well in writing. I would have liked to see Eric discover these things about himself rather than just be told about them.
Still, you've set up an interesting beginning. I'm intrigued.
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Post by Drake on Mar 8, 2013 21:02:20 GMT -5
There's not much to say here. Most of this stuff, origin and all, wasn't new to me as it was quite similar to your Infinite Blade series. Leaving all that behind, I agree with Star completely. Rushed, but intriguing.
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Post by jordan on Mar 9, 2013 14:14:07 GMT -5
Finally got around to reading it. I'll admit, I'm not a huge fan of either the blade comics or the movies, but I think you do the character justice. Any character can be made good if written the write way. It did feel rushed and their were a few grammar errors here and there, but nothing major. I look forward to reading Chapter #2.
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Post by ReadingTrance on Apr 27, 2013 21:28:48 GMT -5
New issue posted. Comments are more than welcomed.
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Post by Drake on Apr 28, 2013 17:14:40 GMT -5
Good, heartfelt issue. Again, 90% as your old Infinite Blade, but that's fine by me. I mean, for Christ's sake, it's really damn good! 8.5/10
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Post by ReadingTrance on Apr 29, 2013 5:50:00 GMT -5
Honestly, it will be basically the same as infinite blade. I mean, I only got to publish two chapters of it and had a plan, so I might as well continue it.
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Post by Drake on Apr 29, 2013 19:02:24 GMT -5
True, true.
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Post by ReadingTrance on May 6, 2013 19:55:28 GMT -5
New Blade issue has been posted. Let me know what you think.
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Post by Drake on May 12, 2013 16:33:49 GMT -5
Sorry for not getting to this sooner.
Your story is beginning to get chaotic. I understand why Blade was hunting Frost, and I liked that, but beyond that, everyone's motives have confused me. Blade gave up on hunting Frost after one failure? You'd think that after three years he'd be much more determined to kill the man, even if he had defeated him once. And why didn't Xarus or Frost kill both Whistler and Blade while they could have? I'm sure there's a good reason, but I'm just not getting it. I think if I knew more about Blade and his supporting cast, then I would be more attached to the characters, but I don't. I don't know about or care about the characters.
You should really slow down and take more time developing the characters, before rushing into yet more of the same action.
7/10
That's with the hope that you'll slow down a little and explain some things.
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Post by All Star Silentking on Jun 5, 2013 19:35:29 GMT -5
Hey, sorry for the late reviews. I will make up for it by reviewing both issues right now.
Issue #2 This issue was great, though I would have preferred that we met Rachel at the same time that Blade and Whistler first did. I think the final paragraph would have made a better impact if there was a proper introduction. But other than that, there is not that much problem with this. 8/10
Issue #3 The problem with this issue is that it started off good and then slowly declined until the end. Like Drake said, I don't get why Blade gave up on hunting Frost. Taking a break to think about things, sure. But giving up entirely? Don't see it. Also, Drake. Frost has addressed his reason for not killing Blade and Whistler. Apparently he doesn't he like killing those already wounded. I think Xarus' reason for not to is because Frost wouldn't allow him, but that one definitely requires the author to say so or not. I think this still has potential to be an awesome series, but this is definitely your weakest issue yet. 7/10.
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Post by ReadingTrance on Jun 6, 2013 20:35:27 GMT -5
Forgot to post here. Issue #4 is up.
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Post by All Star Silentking on Jun 8, 2013 17:25:42 GMT -5
Excellent! This is certainly a step up from your previous issue especially since it answered some of the questions we had in a very well manner. Also enjoyed the brief flashback to the first meeting with Rachel. Will be looking forward to more. 8.5/10
Edit: On second thought, issue 1 was still better, so 8/10 instead.
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Post by ReadingTrance on Jun 8, 2013 17:41:47 GMT -5
Thanks, SK. I really did try to address everyone's concerns while maintaining the story as I had planned. There were reasons things happened in issue #3 that may not have been completely clear or had to wait until #4 to be explained.
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Post by Stardrifter on Jun 9, 2013 14:42:33 GMT -5
2
The action was great and I enjoyed the story. The complete lack of description was annoying. Besides being female, I have no clue what Rachel looks like.
The trial scene was unusual. I like the idea of fleshing out the vampire community, but why are they letting an admitted murderer go free? If you see vampires as a community of sentient beings, not as some sort of demon, and Blade has shown contempt and a willingness to murder them when it suits him, why would they ever let him live? It makes no sense. Banishing him might have worked after he killed the first one or two, but it's clear he's left a trail. After he's banished, he flat out threatens them. He should be dead.
3
I continue to enjoy your plot for the most part, but again the lack of descriptions and some questionable decisions by the characters bog it down a bit.
The biggest gripe this issue is Whistler asking to be turned. That was a huge event that should have been treated seriously instead of just swept aside. Here's a man who dedicated his life to hunting vampires, yet when push came to shove he succumbed to weakness and asked to be turned into his greatest foe just to end the pain. There's so much drama in that one line and it was wasted.
4
I agree with questioning Blades decision to give up on Frost after years of searching and one defeat, only to then decide to go after Dracula?! You even say Dracula is the strongest vampire. So he gets destroyed by Frost, gives up his lifelong quest for vengeance, and decides instead to go hunt down the baddest motha fucka there is?
Overall I can see you have a story in mind for this series and much of it is good. I just think you REALLY need to work on painting a picture for the reader, both of setting and characters, as well as thinking harder about your characters motivations. Heck, you're in the 80s! You're doing a period piece and not a single thing besides the dates would make you think it is. If you didn't have the dates in every issue, there's no reason to think this was the past. The 80s was such a colorful and distinctive era, use it.
The dynamic between Blade and Whistler is great. Your action is well written. Work out some kinks and this could be an awesome series. Keep em coming.
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ls34
New Member
Posts: 41
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Post by ls34 on Jun 10, 2013 19:17:14 GMT -5
Just going to review it issue by issue
Issue 1 - The plot itself is fine, and there aren't any grammar or spelling issues. The problem is everything seems so rushed. Nothing gets described to us, at all. We don't know what anybody or anything looks like, we never found out about the vampire attack at all, and despite the story being set in the past in London there's nothing to tell us that but the headings. the story could have just as easily taken place in feudal Japan, or a prison colony on Jupiter (Or a prison colony on Jupiter where the prisoners think it's feudal Japan...*makes note*).
Issue 2 -Pretty much the same thing, really. It was the 80's, we could've had Miami Vice vampires in a Carlito's Way style scenario, even if just to tart it up a bit (for lack of a better term) and make it more interesting to read. The action scene was well done, but then in the next scene you just flatly tell us part way through that Blade was kidnapped. Actually showing that could've helped build vampires as more of a threat, instead of just cannon fodder.
Issue 3 - the relationships between Blade and his supporting cast are well done. I think the decision to stop hunting Frost could've been handled better. Maybe if Frost showed a level of indifference to Blade and actively mocked him for abandoning Rachel, it would feel like there's more pushing him to make the decision than just getting beaten up and quitting.
Issue 4 - The show and not tell issue is really problematic here. The second scene starts with "Blade was sitting on a stool at the bar, next to a perfectly healthy Whistler. The scene was a live, energetic nightclub also known as Delirium." Why is it live and energetic? Is it a wild west jive bar? A techno club with glow sticks everywhere? It takes away from the intended effect when you don't describe stuff like that. Your issues are if anything on the short side, so I don't think they'd suffer from a bit more description lengthening them out. Aside from that, why is Blade sat in a bar where he knows humans are kidnapped and eaten? When Rachel offered to take him to a feeding room, Blade barely seemed to care.
Your plot is compelling enough, and your characters work well, but the lack of description and showing instead of telling really holds your story back.
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Post by Drake on Jun 21, 2013 13:49:46 GMT -5
I agree with ls on accounts of showing and telling and lack of description, but I have to say, this is my favorite issue yet. 8.5/10
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Post by jordan on Jul 2, 2013 11:50:12 GMT -5
Issue 2- it is an okay issue, nothing actually special. I think it really starts to set up what you want to do with the title but for a period piece, it is a little weak. I would prefer it personally if you were to use the vernacular and describe the appearances of the people in the 80's.
Issue 3/4- I'm not sure that I like the Frost/Blade battle. Mainly because Blade gets the shit beat out of him and then gives up. I know everyone has said this already, and for us normal humans that might be reason enough to quit, but for Blade? No. Also, it does not make since, like Star said, that he quits hunting Frost in favor of Dracula.
In total, I give the series 7.3/10. Keep 'em coming.
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Post by ReadingTrance on Jul 3, 2013 15:10:14 GMT -5
New Blade issue released.
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Post by Stardrifter on Jul 4, 2013 19:26:37 GMT -5
I liked it. I noticed the better descriptions and really enjoyed how you wrote Abraham. I feel like the end was a bit rushed. Blade appears and it's all, "Oh hai Blade!" But otherwise it was a great issue. Keep em coming.
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ls34
New Member
Posts: 41
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Post by ls34 on Jul 7, 2013 14:33:39 GMT -5
Far better than previous issues. I still think it was slightly rushed in place and could do with more detail, but everything seemed overall better written and there was more showing instead of telling.
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Post by ReadingTrance on Jul 13, 2013 16:49:09 GMT -5
Anyone else read Blade?
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Post by Drake on Jul 14, 2013 14:14:36 GMT -5
I did but decided not to review since it is essentially the same issue I beta read just written better.
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Post by jordan on Jul 14, 2013 17:57:59 GMT -5
Not perfect, but not bad. I like the story so far and your writing is getting a little better as time passes by. Keep 'em coming. 7.6/10.
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Post by All Star Silentking on Jul 14, 2013 19:14:31 GMT -5
Read Blade earlier today. It was a great introduction to Helsing. I am also guessing he and Blade have met each other already? I could have sworn for some reason that they haven't. Anyway, everything is starting to get better (It was never bad, but it was slipping a bit. Or maybe I finally noticed the flaws with your work) and getting as good as your first two issues. 8.4/10
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Post by ReadingTrance on Aug 4, 2013 18:29:51 GMT -5
'Through the Fire and Flames' has been put up!
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ls34
New Member
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Post by ls34 on Aug 6, 2013 10:37:27 GMT -5
Doing the same scene twice from different perspectives was unnecessary, you could've incorporated it better. I liked the dream sequence, the only thing I'd change is that I don't think it needed to be actively pointed out "this is a dream" during the conversation. Even if people didn't work it out as it was happening, Blade waking up at the end would've surely tipped them off. It still reads a bit dry, but it's improving.
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Post by Stardrifter on Aug 6, 2013 15:24:32 GMT -5
Ls34 covered a lot of it. I'd add that you need to watch your word use. You used the word quickly a lot. I noticed right away and it took me out of the story. At one point, in the span of 3 short paragraphs, you used quickly four times.
That said it was a nice step forward and I'm interested in where Blade goes from here, having fallen off the wagon as it were. Keep em coming.
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Post by Drake on Aug 7, 2013 11:48:25 GMT -5
I feel like it's a step back from last issue, but it was still an improvement over your first few. I'm glad you fixed the perspective thing, but I have to admit that I'm not really sure why you put that in. I don't think we'd need the Van Helsing part to understand the story. But maybe that's just me. 8/10
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