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Post by Stardrifter on Nov 23, 2014 15:45:18 GMT -5
So since some interest was shown in me posting these, I'll go ahead. Didn't want to take over the other topic though. I'll post a couple at a time.
Keep in mind a couple things. These were written in 2011. They were semi recaps/reviews but are helped if you either remember the comics very well or read them recently.
Uncanny X-Men #410 Hope Pt. 1 Writer: Chuck Austen Pencils: Ron Garney
So we open up in Vancouver, Canada where some very un-Canadian like boys are terrorizing "Squid-Boy." He keeps walking, ignoring them, until one spits in his face and another pushes him into what looks like a puddle of chocolate pudding but I think is supposed to be dirt. He gets up, dusts himself off, picks up a stick and looks like he might run after them, but turns around and goes home.
The narration explains that he's a mutant, but not the good kind with powers. Honestly the scene, while effective, strikes me kind of weird. He's such an extreme physical mutation, it just seems strange that he's going to school and walking down the street like a normal kid. He's in his teens and he's not the kind of mutant that can hide or fit in. Seems strange that he's been accepted enough that he just gets a little bullying and not, you know, murdered.
So he arrives home and in a strange scene his Mom tells him to come inside because a visitor is coming. I don't know if it's just the art, but she's so blank faced through the whole scene that it just comes across as creepy.
So Sammy, as we find out his name is, goes into a junky field and into a shabby club house. Where he has an X-Men poster with...Blob soaring through the air? What? Anyway he narrates about how his only power is to breathe underwater. He then pulls out a gun he had hidden and has suicidal thoughts. At the end he wonders if he wants to go alone, hinting that he's considering killing his classmates.
Honestly despite the nitpicking, this whole opening scene is very effective. You really feel for Sammy and can see why he'd feel that way. So far Austen is being a pretty effective writer.
Anyway his Mom yells for him and he comes out to see Professor Xavier standing in the street, the Blackbird parked behind him. Which makes you wonder how Sammy didn't hear a jet landing in the street...Xavier tells him he has an offer to make him.
Cut to another jet with some of the X-Men in it. After a little bickering they hear some weird noise and we get a page with introductory narration for each character. And...it loses me here. The narration is just weird. You've got Archangel which it describes as an "Angel of the highest rank" and "Blue and cool." If this is your first comic you might think he's an actual Biblical Angel with that description.
Stacy X, yes this is when Xavier was sending mutant prostitutes out on missions, is described as "Slutty yet fun." Um...okay. Though I find it amusing it implies she's fun despite being slutty and not because of it.
You've also got Nightcrawler, Wolverine, M, and Iceman. The narration also claims Nightcrawler has poor comedic timing due to lack of practice while Iceman has refined comedic timing, yet Nightcrawler's comment was kind of amusing while Iceman's was just a sarcastic, "No, really. Ya think?" I think the narrator is a bit backwards.
The jet is attacked by giant fireballs. One breaks open the cockpit, sending M flying out. Stacy goes out after her, M calls her an idiot because she's invulnerable, yet M is the real idiot because she seems to have forgotten she can fly. The jet then crashes into a castle.
Back with Xavier and Sammy, Xavier convinces Sammy's parents to let him come to the school. There's some nice moments between Xavier and Sammy. They get into the Blackbird, Sammy meets Beast, and says he's "Totally stylin'" I guess people say that in Canada. Xavier makes Sammy give him the gun he has hidden in his pants. Beast asks if that has anything to do with why they suddenly parked in the middle of a street, which Xavier confirms.
Xavier tries to get in touch with the team and they're all unconscious except Stacy. He gets in her head and she's freaking out. Archangel isn't breathing and she won't calm down to let him show her how to do CPR. Beast mentions she hasn't been trained to do these kinds of missions, making you wonder why she is out on these kinds of missions. She starts CPR, Nightcrawler wakes up and helps, then we end on the reveal of the Juggernaut.
All in all it's actually a good first issue. The complaints are mostly nitpicking, though the introduction narration is really just a weird tone. But Sammy's story is very well done. The art is effective and portrays Sammy's emotion very well. So one issue down and Austen's doing pretty well.
Uncanny X-Men #411 Hope Pt. 2 Writer: Chuck Austen Pencils: Ron Garney
This issue opens back in Vancouver with Sammy narrating about how nothing ever goes as planned and Xavier losing contact with Stacy. Back in Scotland, the two page spread shows Stacy continuing to flip out, screaming, "Juggernaut's gonna kill us all!" in big bold letters. Iceman, continuing his dickish attitude, says, "Not all of us, Stacy. You maybe."
Really? This was one trend during the run I'm already dreading, Iceman just being written like a dick. As a fan of him, it's annoying to see a fun loving, experienced X-Man turned into a troll.
So he attacks Juggernaut, knocking him back for a moment, while Stacy and Nightcrawler keep talking about how Archangel's brain is going to die without his blood moving. They mention how his brain is going to die a little too much. Then suddenly vines spring up from the ground and grab Archangel. They pull him underground and the X-Men continue freaking out. I can understand Stacy, but seasoned vets like Nightcrawler and Iceman are really overreacting to all this compared to how calm and composed they've been in the past.
Juggernaut comes back and fights his way through Iceman's ice only to stop and reveal he's the one who sent out the distress call they were coming to investigate. Some arguing, then more vines come out of the ground and grab them all. Iceman and Nightcrawler get away and the rest get pulled underground.
And we cut to Rosy Manor Convalescent Hospital in upstate New York. A nurse with hair I imagine is supposed to be black but is colored too blue is dressing a blond man with a scar over his eye. He has a dead stare as she moves him to a wheelchair and takes him outside, all the while talking to him. Two other nurses watching talk about how she takes extra care of him, one joking about how he's a handsome man and she's a single mother who doesn't get out much. But she backs off, saying if she secretly wishes he'll wake up and sweep her off her feet it's probably better for the both of them. Because sometimes all you have is hope.
Yes, inappropriate, emotionally damaged hope. Because nurses falling for their coma patients isn't frowned upon, it's encouraged!
She takes him outside where her son is waiting for them(which I imagine would also be considered inappropriate). She pulls out the paper to read to the man and sees an article and picture showing Cyclops and Havok, realizing he looks just like her coma patient. And that he's a mutant.
Back in Scotland the X-Men are all caught up in vines and many people are thin and catatonic. The vines going in their mouths and up their noses. Juggernaut reveals it's Black Tom, he's mutating further and he thinks it's killing him. Black Tom yells at Juggernaut for calling the X-Men, then Wolverine spends an awful lot of time yelling at Juggernaut about how good Xavier is and how Black Tom doesn't care about him.
At home with Annie, she calls and leaves a message at Xavier's Institute, saying she thinks she has Alex Summers at her hospital.
Cut to Nightcrawler and Iceman. Iceman uses the water in the vines to lead them to the others. They find them and Black Tom, barely able to speak, yells at them to get out and the issue ends.
Not a bad issue at all, but you begin to see the mischaracterization come in. Iceman's a dick and the x-Men freak out as bad as the newbie. Why is she there again? Oh and Nurse Annie. It's only just begun, but you can see how Austen is trying to turn an inappropriate relationship with a patient into a good thing.
But really, the issue isn't bad and the issue I have with it are more based on where I know he's going. Taken on it's own it's an interesting step in the arc, little nitpicks aside.
Uncanny X-Men #412 Hope Pt. 3 Writer: Chuck Austen Pencils: Ron Garney
So Nightcrawler and Iceman try to stop Black Tom. They discover that hurting Tom hurts everyone he's holding.
Back at the hospital, Nurse Annie has Alex Summers out by a lake, continuing to be creepily unprofessional. She realizes he's never going to wake up and fall for her and be a father for her son. Then she puts her head in his lap. Yeah, good thing you're all alone with your patient out by the lake, or you'd be FIRED!
Scott shows up to take Alex away. Annie says he'll still need someone to look after him. Scott tells her Alex was in love with a woman before the accident. Very much in love. Annie can't take a hint and says he'll still need a nurse.
In Scotland, Nightcrawler teleports up to Stacy X and asks her if she can still use her powers. She doesn't know what good it'll do, and Kurt explains that Black Tom is still a man. He teleports her down and she uses her powers to make him fall for her. Kurt asks Iceman to freeze all the vines, and then we see the blue fade from Archangels skin because...magic vines? I don't know. It's never addressed in the issue. Not even a, "Hey Warren! You're not blue!"
So Iceman breaks them all out and Stacy tries to kiss Archangel and he's all, "What are you doing?" She acts weird and then Tom starts destroying the island. The X-Men run away and see Xavier in the Blackbird arrive.
Tom insults Juggernaut some, saying Cain's father was right that he was hopeless, then knocks him into the ocean. Wolverine tells Xavier that Tom said Juggy's powers are diminished and he probably can drown now. Xavier asks who has the strength to look for him underwater, then Sammy dives out of the Blackbird. Sammy tries to save him, but Juggernaut is giving up. So Sammy tells him about himself and how Xavier is a great guy who helps everyone, and Juggy grabs his hand.
Back in the Blackbird, Xavier offers Juggy a place at the school while he's recovering. At first he's going to object, then changes his mind. But he says he'll never do anything but hate Xavier, to which Xavier mentions his eternal hope. Juggy sits next to Sammy and farts(or it was the leather seat as Juggy exclaims) and they start bickering as the Blackbird flies home.
So that's the end of Austen's first arc. And again, it's not bad at all. It's a solid story that brings the characters together in a believable way. But Nurse Annie is already a big issue. She is not well in the head. She's fallen in love with a coma patient, behaves wildly inappropriate with him, doesn't care when she's told he was in love with someone else, and even seeing what's going on, Scott is going to allow her at the school when she should be fired for her actions.
If it was a male nurse who put his head in a comatose females lap, all kinds of hell would break loose. But hey, she's an emotional woman. What's wrong with that?
Uncanny X-Men #413 Annie's Moving Story Writer: Chuck Austen Pencils: Sean Phillips
The comic opens with Annie and Carter moving into Xavier Institute. Annie narrates that she doesn't like mutants and has her reasons. She is obviously freaked out by the mutants(all of them Morrison's ridiculous physical mutations). Paige Guthrie comes out to greet her. She's wearing a sports bra and spandex short shorts, and frankly looks like a drag queen. But that's mostly the horrible art.
She explains Scott was called away and she was told to greet them. Annie asks bluntly if Paige's mutation is dangerous. Annie tries to explain she doesn't mean to be rude. Then the Blackbird flies over the school.
Paige gets a telepathic message from Xavier and speaks to him. She does her part verbally for Annie's benefit. Xavier asks for Annie to help because the X-Men are injured. Paige tells Annie Xavier can give her all the info telepathically, but Annie says no.
They get to the infirmary and Annie meets Xavier, looking more like Lex Luthor in my opinion. Annie explains she's worked in the E.R. before and checks on Iceman. She offers to stitch him up and Iceman freaks, telling her to let Xavier stitch him up. One wonders where DOCTOR McCoy is through all this...
Stacy asks Annie to check on Archangel. Paige is leaning over to talk with him and...well now we begin to see Austen's mishandled writing of women. Stacy flips out. She starts screaming, complaining about Paige not wearing a bra and tells her to take them out of Archangel's face. Xavier lets out a weak, "For heaven's sake..." and they yell a bit, but mostly Stacy. She finally reveals that she can see pheromones and that Paige is all in love and horny for Archangel.
Paige leaves crying. Stacy is happy with herself. Archangel chastises her. Stacy starts yelling again and leaves, saying she's gonna go watch porn if anyone's interested. And Stacy has now become a some twisted teenage boy fantasy. She is a prostitute, hyper sexualized, porn watching bipolar. It's ludicrous that she is on the team doing missions with them.
So Xavier reveals Alex is there and everyone goes to see him. Xavier begins trying to reach him telepathically and Annie narrates about how she doesn't like mutants, she has her reasons, but she does like the coma patient she knows nothing about. And she tells us not to ask, she doesn't understand either.
Outside Wolverine mouths off to Juggernaut. He mouts of to Sammy and Carter. He steals a kid's basketball and dunks it in a hoop he's taller then. Sammy and Carter think he's cool.
Inside Alex's head, Xavier tries to reach him and can't. He can feel Alex in pain and loneliness. He comes out three hours after he started to only find Annie there. Xavier asks her to stay. She asks if he wouldn't rather have a mutant nurse. He tells her it might be easier, but humans and mutants can only learn to live together if they start "living" together.
She narrates some more. Doesn't like mutants. Has her reasons. Goes on about how she feels guilty about it but has to feel it so she can learn to move past it. Goes to see Paige to try and make her feel better, but Paige has none of it. She doesn't like mutants. Has her reasons(really this narration is annoying). She needs to get past it for obvious reasons, revealing Carter in their room, levitating objects.
This issue is...meh. The art isn't horrible, but it's not very good. I know down the line we find out why Annie likes Alex so much, but right now it just seems like bad writing. Austen should have put some more hints into how unusual her feelings are. Paige dressed like she is seems a bit out of character. And the scene with Stacy is just...laughable.
Stacy is a failure of a character. In my opinion and the general consensus. She's just annoying and stupid. Every issue so far she flies into some ridiculous outburst. And her argument with Paige is just silly.
Uncanny X-Men #414 Fall Down Go Boom Writer: Chuck Austen Pencils: Sean Phillips
We open outside Albany, Ontario. A father is beating his son for crying about some girl. The boys eyes light up blue and he explodes.
In Montreal, Quebec, Xavier is in a boardroom with Jean-Paul Beaubier, Northstar. He's trying to convince him to come teach at the school. They establish that Northstar is usually a bit selfish. Xavier says he wants him to bring his unique point of view to the school, to which Northstar replies about not having any big ideals about mutant unity. Xavier says he wasn't referring to his mutant point of view.
And thus begins Austen hitting us over the head with how gay Northstar is. Yes, he's homosexual. And Austen will take EVERY opportunity to bring it up.
Xavier mentions that he's made it a point to help people put aside their genetic differences, but there are gay students who would benefit from a gay teacher. Northstar makes a joke about what he would teach, asking that as a former Olympic athlete, would Xavier have him teach boys gym. Xavier says no, indeed not. Indeed not? Why that makes it seem like Xavier thinks it would be wrong for a gay man to teach gym. How accepting of him.
He suggests Business and Economics. Northstar says he'll think about it but probably decline. Xavier then asks him to help his team with a job helping a mutant nearby.
Back in Ontario, Angel, Nightcrawler, Iceman, and Stacy are checking out the aftermath of the boy's explosion. Northstar arrives and they're happy to see him. Iceman is REALLY happy for some reason. That reason being nothing more than a later plot development. They go inside and Stacy decides now is the opportune time to bring up a kiss from back in the Hope arc. Saying she didn't mean anything by it. Couldn't have said something in the long flight over?
They look around, find the father dead, the boy's siblings alive, and the boy afraid he'll hurt people. They take everyone out and the boy explodes again. He can't control it, so Archangel says he'll fly him back to the school. Northstar says he's too hurt to do it, so he'll fly him.
During the flight they discuss what happened. Northstar mentions the last time he talked to his father it didn't go well, the kid asks why, he tells him he told his father he was gay. The kid flips out. He calls him a fruit, tries to get out of his arms, yells that he's not gay, and explodes. Northstar catches him and actually has to tell the kid he's not into little boys, only grown men. Yeah. Now they're friends again.
On the jet Stacy and Archangel continue the ANNOYING thread about their kiss. Get over it. Iceman mentions her ear and she rips the skin off, showing scales underneath and yelling at them to not look at her. Okay...
Back with Northstar, they continue talking. The kid tells him how he was crying over a girl at school he likes but who doesn't know he exists. Then for no reason the kids says maybe he should have been gay. Really? No build up or anything. Just, girls are complicated, my father was an abusive jerk, maybe I should have been gay! Subtle.
He explodes again and they wake up on the ground. Xavier tells Northstar the boys powers can't be stopped. The Avengers have a chamber to help him but it's 30 minutes away. The kid's going to explode again, this time it'll kill him, and there's nothing they can do. Northstar refuses to leave him and the boy explodes.
He wakes up at the Institute. He asks about what happened. If they could have done anything. Xavier says they couldn't, but he'll still go over it the rest of his life. The issue ends with Northstar saying he'd like to teach there.
The issue, to me, wasn't very good. The art continues to suck. The plot, about a selfish jerk bonding with a boy who he inevitably can't help, discovering he would like to help other kids now, would have been fine on it's own. But the need to make it "about" Northstar's sexuality is really hamfisted. I know there are real world issues with sexuality and they should be addressed, but not by clubbing it with a hammer. Comics have so few homosexual characters and it's so frustrating that when they make one gay, they feel the need to make that the central focus of the character, rather than just another part of them.
Uncanny X-Men #415 Secrets Writer: Chuck Austen Pencils: Sean Phillips
At Xavier Institute, Archangel is outside talking business on his cell phone. Iceman comes up to ask him how he's healed so fast. When Archangel tells him one moment, Iceman takes his cell and throws it into the fountain. Because...Iceman's a douche? Yay? I mean pranks and jokes sure, but when did he start destroying his friends property?
So Archangel explains he is just better. X-Rays show his bones are fine. He then asks why Iceman hasn't gone for a follow up exam with Nurse Annie. Begging the question, why would he? Wouldn't, you know, a DOCTOR be a better person to do a follow up exam?
Anyway, Iceman leaves and a ridiculously buxom blue and white woman with broken English starts hitting on Archangel. When she offers him sex, he runs away like a scared kitten.
In the infirmary, Iceman bursts in on Annie and Northstar, yelling about her telling people he hasn't come in. They argue, he relents, and goes into the other room to take his shirt off, making rude comments about not wanting Northstar to get all hot and bothered. Annie complains that Northstar didn't say anything and she realizes he has a thing for Iceman.
Cut to St. Patricks Cathedral where Nightcrawler is monologueing to a Jesus statue. He's having a crisis of faith and wants answers. For some reason having impure thoughts about the ladies is suddenly a bad thing. Kurt's always been religious and a ladies man. Not sure why that's an issue now.
Back in the infirmary, Iceman makes Annie promise not to tell anyone anything and opens his shirt to reveal he's turning into ice and can't change back. This is, of course, pure bull****. Why exactly would he want to keep this secret? He has two of the greatest minds in mutant genetics at the school. Beast is one of his closest friends. Xavier has been his teacher and mentor since he was a teenager. And he decides NOT to tell them he's turning into ice? Suuuuure...
Annie convinces Bobby to take Northstar to get something to eat when that blue and white woman shows up and gets Iceman's interest. Now it's nighttime and the two of them are alone outside. They talk about how they can't believe they're falling for one another so fast when...oh **** it's Clayface! I didn't know DC and Marvel were doing crossovers again!
No it's just some guy named Robert, the Amazing Clayface Ripoff, telling Iceman to stay away from his wife. For some reason Iceman just lets him beat him up for a while. Finally Northstar saves him, Bobby continues to be a douche and says, "Hey, handsome. Nice suit. Come here often?", and Northstar beats up Clayface.
In the infirmary, Annie complains about Northstar fighting when he's still recuperating and asks if they got any alone time. Northstar explains that Bobby is straight and that's all there is to it. Annie says she admires his strength and knows how he feels as the last panel show Alex again.
So yeah, pointless filler issue. And not a very good one. I know I've gone over it, but I hate what Austen is doing to Iceman. He's not a fun, wise cracking guy. He's just a jackass. The gay issues with Northstar aren't as bad, but again not one scene can go by without Austen reminding us he's gay. Oh and the Clayface ripoff was just lazy.
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Post by Stardrifter on Nov 23, 2014 16:03:41 GMT -5
Uncanny X-Men #415 Living in a Mansion Writer: Chuck Austen Pencils: Kia Asamiya
At the Institute, Nightcrawler bumps into some students. They ask him, "How's it happening?" and then bicker some. Kurt knocks on Iceman's door, who invites him in. Iceman's room is covered in ice and he's using a trick to animate some little ice sculptures. Kurt invites Bobby to come with them on a trip back to Stacy's burned down brothel to pick up some of her stuff.
Iceman then asks what any reader has been for a while now. Who is Stacy? Why is she on the X-Men? Why is she hanging around? But he soon takes it too far, saying anyone who isn't Scott, Jean, Hank, Warren, or himself isn't a real X-Man. He then apologizes and Kurt leaves.
Outside we join the huge gaping hole Austen put in his own issue, Juggernaut and Sammy. Cain wants to get out for a bit. Sammy wants to go with him, Cain keeps saying the wrong thing, then he finally gives up and lets Sammy tag along. Sammy explains he doesn't really know anyone here yet. We'll come back to that.
In the Infirmary, Scott and Xavier are trying to help Alex while Annie and Stacy look on. Stacy is just about healed from shedding her skin. They chat a bit, Stacy shares some implied sexual abuse from her stepfather, all while yelling at Scott and being ignored. Stacy's main super power appears to be yelling at people. She leaves after shocking Annie a bit with the fact she was a prostitute.
Scott and Xavier talk about Alex. He can't seem to help but he'll keep trying. Maybe with Jean and Emma's help he can reach him. He mentions that he called Lorna who is coming and Scott hushes him and brings him outside to talk, sparing Annie hearing about it.
Annie talks with Jean-Paul and then he asks some more questions that the reader should have been asking for months now. Why is Annie so infatuated with a man she knows nothing about? Why is Scott okay with it? Even sparing her from hearing about Lorna. Annie has no answers except that the heart isn't always logical. It took Austen a while, but he's finally showing that Annie's feelings for Alex aren't normal.
Outside the mansion, Sammy and Cain talk and walk. Sammy reveals he hasn't had much time to settle in and Xavier's been too busy to give him a room assignment or a tour or anything. So...plot hole much? Last issue Archangel told Iceman it's been a couple weeks since his injuries, which he sustained at the same time Sammy came to the school. So Xavier or any of the X-Men can't find an hour in a couple weeks to show Sammy around and ASSIGN HIM A PLACE TO SLEEP!?! And in those couple weeks, Sammy has just been sitting around by himself? Can't find the time to talk to anyone? Sigh...you make my head hurt...
So Sammy asks Cain why he spent his life trying to kill Xavier. Cain doesn't want to talk about it and Sammy says he was thinking about killing his classmates for how they treated him and thought maybe inside he was a villain like Cain. Cain explains, very badly, that he did what he thought was right for him and no one thinks about themselves as a villain. He blames everyone else and throws some stones at a house. He then blames Sammy for making him do it. Cain realizes it was his old house.
On the Blackbird, Stacy asks Kurt why warren is flying outside. Still hung up on the almost kiss and wondering if he's avoiding her. THIS SUBPLOT IS ANNOYING. God I hate Stacy.
Back with Cain and Sammy, Cain goes inside and has some flashbacks to his past where his father treated him like crap and practised board breaking karate chops on his neck. Cain flips out and starts destroying the place.
On the Blackbird, Stacy goes over some of the things she found at the X-Ranch and tells Kurt about how it was heaven for her and the girls there. We see a video in her bag, a security back up tape from her room.
Cain comes out of the wreckage of his old house and explains to Sammy he was right, he blamed everyone else for his problems just like his father used to do. They share some root beer as the sun sets.
Issue is okay. The glaring plot hole doesn't ruin it, but it just jumps out and slaps the reader in the face. It's nice to see characters start asking questions we've all been asking for a while now. Starting to show maybe there's some method to the madness. The Juggernaut plot is well done if a bit cliche.
The art needs to be addressed. The last issue and this one make a big deal about Kia Asamiya doing the art. The art is...manga. If that's your thing, great. I like manga art, but it doesn't fit with super heroes IMO. The costume redesigns are pretty uninspired. They aren't the worst we've seen, but they aren't good either. All in all I'd rank it above Sean Phillips, so there's that.
Uncanny X-Men #417 Dominant Species Pt. 1 Writer: Chuck Austen Pencils: Kia Asamiya
I haven't been talking about covers, but the cover of this issue bares note because Wolverine's claws are by my estimation, 2 1/2 to 3 feet long. Just a LITTLE bit ridiculous.
So we open to White Plains, NY where a mutant woman with horns is trying to get a man to leave her alone. But he tells her he loves her despite her mutantness and she hugs him. Some human men interfere and do what human men do in X-Men comics, be violent racists.
Suddenly they hear creepy voices with creepy font. At first the voice just repeats what they say, then a giant werewolf looking creature comes up behind one of the humans and says he's going to eat his bones. I would assume the meat and flesh would be tastier.
The werewolf kills the human men and then stops to talk to the couple. He tells the mutant woman that she shouldn't be mating beneath her. Mutantkind are the future. "We are the inheritors of the Earth!" He kills the boy despite the mutant woman's protests.
At the institute, Archangel is in bed crying. He narrates about how he used to laugh about phrases like "I have issues" and "I need closure", but he's been through a lot lately and doesn't laugh any more.
Then we see Husk on her computer. She narrates about how she has issues with lying and hypocrisy. Especially hypocritical corporations. She's looking at a site about Worthington Atrocities.
The next day Sammy, Carter, and Juggernaut are all eating. Cain says they should play catch and the boys get all excited. But he won't let them go until they finish their food.
We see Warren sitting at the table, staring at his food, pining over Psylocke. Who at this point had left him and died. Iceman arrives and is a jerk. They talk about Betsy and Warren explains that when his heart stopped a couple weeks back he say her and she came to say goodbye to him.
Back with Paige who, despite it being the next day, is still at her computer wearing the same pink nighty, goes on about Chamber and how he was her first love and they were so silly and young. She doesn't agree with how he left things and says all men are the same.
Bobby and Warren go to see Nightcrawler. Bobby wants Kurt to explain to Warren how he's being stupid and that all he saw was a hallucination or something. So he goes to the priest for a science based explanation and not someone like Beast? Whatever. Kurt explains that Professor X can leave his body all the time so theres no reason to assume that it can't be done after death. They get into an argument about it when Xavier interrupts them, asking them to collect Stacy and Paige for a mission. Iceman mouths off about Stacy again, with good reason yet he's made out to be acting foolish, and Kurt says he'll go get her.
In Stacy's room, Kurt is lounging on her bed reading a book, obviously been waiting a while, when she comes out of the shower naked. And without scales because...she showers them off? I don't know. She tries to sleep with Kurt and he freaks out and leaves. She says she's not using her powers on him and they both want it, then complains she always messes up everything good in her life.
Annie and Paige talk about nothing important, then we cut to the crime scene in White Plains. Northstar, Archangel, and Husk talk with a detective and then Wolverine arrives, saying he can catch the scent. Husk turns herself into rubber and goes with him. They arrive at Lobo Technologies, which Paige recognizes as one of Warren's companies. Wolverine goes in by himself.
Warren and Northstar arrive and they all go in. They talk about how Warren owns the company and the killers work for him. He has no idea what they're talking about, but Northstar backs Paige up. Wolverine comes crashing through a glass ceiling and we end on a bunch of men in suits, the leader calling himself Maximus Lobo. A ridiculous name for a ridiculous looking man. His hair makes Wolverine's look subtle.
The issue is okay. It sets up the arc well enough. I'm not feeling this art anymore. Phillips made everyone ugly, and now Asamiya makes everyone look the same. The only thing different about his women are the hair and/or skin color.
Uncanny X-Men #418 Dominant Species Pt. 2 Writer: Chuck Austen Pencils: Kia Asamiya
We open in the infirmary where Carter comes to see Annie reading to Alex. They make pretty bad small talk, revealing that Annie used to dream about Alex. Carter says he misses Alex. He also says he doesn't like Lorna, who should be arriving soon. He doesn't like a woman he's never met. I guess he can get away with that since he's a kid.
Annie even says so. Then says she's probably a nice person "With huge breasts." Also that they'll probably live happily ever after and "have constant, loud sex in the room next to ours." This is not helping the creepy factor Annie. Nor is it appropriate to say in front of your son.
So Carter says he can see in Alex's head and starts to use his powers on Alex. Annie freaks and tries to get him to stop and pull him away from Alex. She gets him away but then he won't wake up, causing Annie to flip her lid and start screaming at Alex to let him go. Then some scalpels fly at her revealing Lorna Dane, Polaris, in a RIDICULOUS outfit. I don't recall exactly what was happening with Lorna at this point in comics. I know she was at Genosha when it was destroyed and she knew Magneto was retconned into her father now. But she looks simply silly.
Back at Lobo Technologies, Archangel tells Northstar to get Wolverine to safety so he can heal. So he just runs off with him, leaving Warren and Paige. Why? Wolverine has healed from worse in no time. I guess so he can get help too.
Warren tells Paige to change into her densest form. Then they begin to narrate to themselves. At the same time. Parallel narration can be a good tool in writing comics, but this is not done well. It's not bad here, but it will be. Paige asks Warren what chance they have if these guys could take out Wolverine, he tells her none.
Cut to St. Michael's Church in Brooklyn. He asks the priest to go into the confessional because he doesn't think he can face him with what he has to say.
Back in the infirmary, Annie and Lorna square off because...they're women and women do that? I really don't understand how any of this scene takes place. Where is Xavier and the other X-Men during all this. Lorna is glowing, throwing magnetic powers all around, and no one notices? Heck how did she get into the mansion and down to the infirmary by herself? Why isn't Xavier or Scott with her?
And why is she cutting the face of this woman up? Why is Annie refusing to move and let Lorna see Alex? Why wouldn't she go get Xavier or someone who could help her son? Why does Lorna reverse Annie's blood flow for a moment and then threaten to kill her? Why does Annie say Lorna will have to to get her to move?
This entire scene is just baffling to me. I don't understand the reasoning, the character motivations, anything.
Back with Warren and Paige. They try to fight the werewolves and then Paige is cut in the stomach. Warren asks why and Lobo goes into a speech about how they must remove them from the gene pool. This makes no sense. Last issue the werewolves were fighting humans to save mutants. Now they want to kill mutants? Make up your minds! Lobo says that they are the dominant species on Earth. They are the future. They are superior. So in the span of one issue they went from being mutants to above mutants?
Then Warren escapes with Paige and the dueling narration begins again. Now it gets really bad. Two characters narrating at once works when they're having closely related narration. When it plays on one another. It kind of starts that way, but quickly twists into two very different trains of thought that don't read well in parallel. You're better off just reading one side of it then going back and reading the other.
They're both about Darwin crap and survival of the fittest and how they aren't guaranteed to inherit the Earth through evolution and they should have known it wouldn't be just humans and mutants, that other species would show up. Whatever. Warren flies Paige as far as he can, they're both hurt, he falls unconscious on top of her.
Back at Xaviers, Juggernaut is playing baseball with some of the kids when Iceman shows up to be a dick some more. Nothing else. He just wanders out in the in the night to the baseball field to be a dick. Then Northstar shows up and tells them to come with them.
It cuts back to Paige and Warren in the forest, lying on the ground as Paige narrates some more bull**** about evolution and natural selection. The end.
This issue is bad. Really bad. Austen has gone from pretty good to so so up to this point, but with this issue he has reached actual suckage levels. His characters are stupid, he contradicts facts from his own previous issue, he fails at a writing technique, and his attempt to bring in actual science is just annoying.
Uncanny X-Men #419 Dominant Species Pt. 3 Writer: Chuck Austen Pencils: Kia Asamiya
So in the infirmary, Northstar arrives and asks what's going on.
Back with Paige and Warren, Paige wakes up. She pushes Warren off her and is amazed that she's healed.
Back in the infirmary, Polaris is still bat**** insane and flings Northstar through the roof. She calls Annie a lesser species and then Xavier, Juggernaut, and Sammy FINALLY arrive. You'd think Xavier would know some serious crap is going down with his telepathy, but I guess it takes Canadians flying through the roof of the mansion. Must be why he kept Wolverine around...
There's a lot of grandstanding until Xavier finally gets through to Lorna. Lorna blames it on the stress of seeing Alex like that, and then Alex starts convulsing and screaming.
Return to Paige narrating about evolution crap some more. Boring. Oh wait, now she's narrating about how when she husks she's always walking around naked and it's her kinky little secret. Except, you know, it's not. Every time she has to have someone else give her something to cover up. Really not a secret. Oh and Warren is a little perv and watches her naked and then pretends to be asleep when she looks over. Stay classy Warren!
Alex wakes up and immediately is concerned about Carter. He tries to get him to come back, Annie yells in his face, and finally Alex yells at Xavier to help.
So Paige is helping Warren limp away. He doesn't know what's wrong with him. He says he feels guilty about getting her into this. You mean the mission? That super hero mission she's on as a super hero? Jeez, she probably had no idea something like this could be dangerous. So they flirt a bit and then he corrects her grammar and she flips her lid about it. Screams that yeah she's from Kentucky but that doesn't make her stupid and she's worked so hard to get rid of her accent and...what's Austen's problem with people from Kentucky? Jeez...
More evolution, "inheritor of the earth" nonsense. Paige asks now that the "Wolf people" have banded together how long before the "Angel people" and the "Husk people" etc. start fighting each other. It's survival of the fittest.
Wait...I'm gonna ignore the idea that there are "Husk people" and just talk about the "Wolf people" deal. So now you're trying to tell us that Lobo is the leader of a bunch of mutants who all have the exact same power to turn into werewolves and talk in the same scary font? Despite how ridiculous the idea is that there's be a dozen or so mutants with the exact same, very specific power, why did they then save the girl in the first issue? She was pink with horns, not a wolf person. You didn't make it better comic! You just made it worse! It makes just as little sense! Heck even less sense now that you're trying to say these are all mutants with the EXACT same werewolf power.
Anyway, Paige says when she was unconscious Betsy came and told her to tell Warren he's on the wrong path. Betsy is very talkative for a dead woman. Did she become a Force Ghost or something? They're interrupted by the wolves attacking.
In the infirmary, Xavier goes into Carter's mind and tries to pull him out. But there's someone else trying to hold onto Carter and Xavier is fighting him. In the real world he starts screaming. I personally am worried that he's going to devour Carter's head since he can apparently unhinge his jaw like a snake. Northstar comes back in and Juggernaut asks if they're gonna stick around or go on that mission.
Back in the church with Nightcrawler and the priest, Kurt tells him about his crisis of faith. Apparently he decided he can face him because they aren't in the confessional like they said they were going to do. Kurt doesn't understand where his loving God is when all he can see is a cruel God. He even brings up the child raping priests, which leads to the priest just walking away and telling him he knows the way out. Must have hit a nerve there Kurt.
Back at the mansion, Northstar, Juggernaut, and Iceman get on the Blackbird. Iceman manages to get his dickish comment in JUST shy of the issue ending, and Paige calls over the intercom about how the wolves are killing them.
The issue is another bad one. Austen is really starting to get the characters wrong. The evolution angle in the Wolf plot is just nonsense. Kia Asamiya's art is really getting on my nerves. I'm starting to miss the bad Phillips art.
Uncanny X-Men #420 Dominant Species Conclusion Writer: Chuck Austen Pencils: Kia Asamiya
The comic opens with Archangel fighting the wolves. It's rather nonsensical. And frankly insulting. I know he's the hero, but at one point he has four of them holding on and he's still flying away. Well Lobo, or who I assume is Lobo since they all look alike, says reveals he killed Warren's father and...that's all.
Husk is fighting too, but in her normal skin, which is just silly. How is she alive? She's got two on her and without changing her skin she's just a vaguely 18ish girl. Archangel starts narrating about how he has to get to her. He's worried he's gotten her killed. Then there's more survival of the fittest blah blah blah. Oh and now that it's three on one Paige finally gets gutted.
Archangel beats the three off in one hit each with a stick. He picks her up and starts to fly away when she whispers more about Betsy, who says she's sorry.
On the Blackbird, there's some stupid banter and then Nightcrawler teleports in.
Back with the unhinged jaw of Xavier, there's an explosion of some kind around Carter that throws Xavier back against a wall. But Carter wakes up. Xavier tells Annie they need to have a talk about Carter and about his father.
Archangel flies Paige to a building. He realizes he's got a healing factor and figures it's in his blood. So he gets a box cutter and slices his chest open and presses it to Paige's chest. She wakes up and tell Warren that Betsy only left him because she needed someone who could love with all their heart and she didn't love Neal the way she loved him and that he was supposed to have learned to love and that he's so handsome. Oh and she realizes they were pressing naked chests together.
Lobo and the others arrive. They talk about Lobo's underhanded deals and how he's made it look like Worthington was stealing Stark tech. Then the X-Men jump in. They have Northstar create flashes of light to distract the wolves, so he yells very loudly for them to close their eyes each time. So why don't, you know, the wolves close their eyes too?
So Lobo breaks open a barrel of "Flammable" and blows the place up. Juggernaut takes the blunt of the blast for everyone. They all get out, but Juggernaut comes out and falls over. They says his burns will kill him, but Archangel says he can help.
Cut to "Later..." and Warren flies around the mansion and narrates about evolved species blah blah, how he never loved enough blah blah. Finally he comes to Paige's door and she opens it, wearing the same weird pink top that is apparently her only outfit, and asks if he wants to come in. Warren says he would like that very much. The end.
This arc is horrible. It's downfall is in two parts. One, the villains. Lobo is never really fleshed out at all. Their purpose changes over the course of the arc to the point that their earlier actions make now sense. The very fact that there's a pack of identical mutant werewolves is just ridiculous. Two, the narration. God the narration. It's just grating. Austen's pseudo science and talk about survival of the fittest, evolution, and inheriting the Earth just gets repeated over and over. It's annoying.
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Post by All Star Silentking on Nov 23, 2014 17:53:53 GMT -5
Can't wait for your opinion on the "Nightcrawler becomes a priest and let's fake a rapture" arc. That story arc is the very first thing I heard about Chuck Austen's run on the X-Men. I also heard that his run on Superman was so bad, that he was ban from DC. At the very least, he isn't allowed to write Superman anymore.
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Post by Stardrifter on Nov 23, 2014 22:57:25 GMT -5
Uncanny X-Men #421 Rules of Engagement Part 1 Writer: Chuck Austen Pencils: Ron Garney
So before the I even open the issue, I get worried because the cover art is Chris Bachalo. Fortunately, it's just the cover.
The issue itself opens with Xavier explaining everything that's happened to Alex. We see little snippets about secondary mutations, 9/11, Colossus dying, Cassandra Nova, and the destruction of Genosha. As it goes on, Alex gets more and more depressed. As he ends, he tells him not to be surprised to see Juggernaut walking the halls.
Outside Xavier's office, Nightcrawler, Juggernaut, Annie, and Carter are waiting to talk to Xavier. The original five X-Men and Lorna come walking down the hall. Annie tries to tell them there's a line. Lorna gets snippy, and Jean explains that Xavier sent for them mentally. They go in and Annie looks depressed. Scott, for whatever odd reason, still shows her compassion. There's a big reunion, everyone's happy, and Lorna suddenly asks Alex to marry her. Alex starts to say something but Hank slaps him on the back, congratulating him as if he already said yes. Annie storms off with Carter.
Later on, Warren and Bobby are walking through the school talking. Warren mentions going to see Paige and, in what is meant to be another dickish Iceman scene but for once he has a very valid point, Bobby gives him crap about being into a practically underage girl.
Back at Xavier's office, Kurt and Cain are still waiting. Xavier and Cain go for a walk.
In the infirmary, Paige is gushing to Annie about Warren. Nothing's happened yet but they are spending time together. She tells Annie about how Warren healed her with his blood. Which also leads to the revelation that mutants can't get AIDS. "Why not?" Annie asks. Because of the X-Gene. Duh! Well it's a good thing too, so now Warren can bleed on everyone without worry. Paige mentions Alex and he appears in the doorway.
Back with Xavier and Cain, Cain tells him about how he had fun on the mission. That they got some action, came home, had some food and joked together. He didn't have to worry about cops or X-Men coming after him. He asks if he can stay and maybe teach or join a team. Xavier tells him joining a team is up to the team leaders, but he approves.
Cut to Alex thanking Annie for helping him all those months. He makes a joke about what she probably had to do and Annie goes into one of those over the top, only in tv or movie moments where she rambles and keeps saying the wrong thing.
Meanwhile, Xavier and Cain ask Kurt about Cain joining a team and he tells them they'll have to ask Warren, because he's stepping down as team leader and also plans to join Alex and Lorna on a vacation/archaeological dig. The panel where he says he's stepping down as leader is hilarious because of the very over the top reaction shots from Xavier and Cain. You'd think he was telling them he had two wangs or something...
So Alex and Lorna say goodbye for now, then Paige and Annie talk. Annie tells her how Alex was saying things and knew things from when she used to take care of him when he was in his coma. Then Alpha Flight busts in. Yes, Alpha Flight. They have the authority of the Canadian and New York governments to take all the children away.
This issue is pretty good for the most part. The art is nice, the talk with Xavier and Cain is well done. I don't like the Alex/Lorna/Annie subplot but it wasn't done badly in this issue. And I always had a soft spot for Alpha Flight, so it was cool to see them.
Uncanny X-Men #422 Rules of Engagement Part 2 Writer: Chuck Austen Pencils: Ron Garney
We open in the Bermuda Triangle. Lorna, Alex, and Kurt are at the dig with Professor Havass. They're all dressed in typical civilian archaeological clothes, tan shirts and pants, except Kurt. For some reason he's still in his X-Men uniform. Um...why? Did he board the plane in it?
Anyway Lorna spends the whole time talking to her mom about the wedding. Havass tells them how this discovery will change the world forever. To sum up, they find the remains of mutants from 15,000 years ago. Which makes them older than humans. Then they're attacked by priest looking guys. They shoot Havass, but before Alex and Kurt can do anything, they blow up. The pins on their grenades were pulled. They're both dead, and it's obvious Alex and Kurt realize it was Lorna who did it, but...no one cares?
Warren goes to check on Stacy only to find a video tape. On it she tells him she's leaving, and leaves him with a show. She's naked and does some dirty things. Paige walks in to tell him that Alpha Flight is downstairs and bad stuff is going on and sees the tape. Warren then stops her to really explain how he feels, despite her telling him that ALPHA FLIGHT IS DOWNSTAIRS AND SOME SERIOUS **** IS GOING ON! Yes Warren, pulling her aside to explain that Stacy meant nothing to you and you care for Paige is more important than that. Oh and then Chamber shows up as they're hugging. Now you're just getting lazy Austen. There's coincidences, and then there's laziness.
Outside, Xavier is on the phone with his lawyer. They're allowing Alpha Flight to take the children for now but he's trying to find some way to stop it. Specifically, Alpha Flight is looking for Sammy because he's a Canadian citizen. Carter tells them he's probably playing catch with Cain out back.
Which is indeed what they're doing. They're also rating the women in the school. Sasquatch and Xavier walk up. Sasquatch wants to take Sammy. They go out front and it comes out that the biggest reason they're there is because the children are hanging around with Juggernaut, a wanted and dangerous criminal. Puck is trying to take Carter from Annie. She tries to explain he's her son but he doesn't care, they're supposed to take all the children. Juggernaut punches him. And so begins the super hero misunderstanding.
Guardian goes after Annie and Carter. The other X-Men run out. Northstar grabs Guardian and smashes him into a wall at super speed. Juggernaut and Sasquatch square off. Iceman goes into an annoying long explanation about how he's freezing Vindicator's costume. Vindicator starts shouting about how Sammy's own mother is the one who wanted Sammy removed when she found out he was friends with Juggernaut.
There's some more fighting. Paige and Chamber bicker about their relationship, coming to terms with it being over. Xavier's lawyer finally gets them called off by threatening to reveal the New York governor's illegal relationship to a anti-mutant group. Sammy agrees to go with them to stop the fighting. Juggernaut says goodbye. He agrees to go see Sammy at home but is obviously lying. As the car speeds off, Juggernaut yells at Xavier for letting Sammy go back to the hellhole he calls home.
Not a bad issue either. Some fun action. The only gripe I really have is the arrival of Chamber. It's so out of nowhere just to resolve the relationship so Warren and Paige can get together. Frankly I should be glad Austen cared to address previous continuity at all I suppose.
Uncanny X-Men #423 Holy War Part 1 Writer: Chuck Austen Pencils: Ron Garney
More people have died in the name of religion than have ever died of cancer. And we try to cure cancer.
That's how this issue opens folks. We're in for a ride. Those words are from Nightcrawler, who is narrating this issue. He goes on about how he can't understand what it is about religion that makes everyone think they're right and hate and kill others they think wrong.
On the next page we see a bunch of mutants crucified. One has a sign that says, "Evolution is not the will of God." And this is on the front lawn of the Xavier Institute. There are at least 7 or 8 mutants strung up here. Did Xavier forget to switch on the security system last night? How did all this get done right under their noses and no one noticed until now?
Anyway Kurt narrates some more, introducing the X-Men while they debate whether they should take them down or preserve the evidence. Kurt also thinks that Wolverine has "these hundred inch claws." To quote Magneto from X-Men 1, "I thought you lived in a school."
They start taking them down and find Jubilee and Skin are among them. They rush them inside and hook them all up to Warren, who gives them his blood to try and heal them. Cyclops pulls Kurt aside and asks him to get his team together. Kurt interrupts to say it's not just his team, that he shares responsibility with Warren. Um...two issues ago. Two of your OWN issues Austen. You had Kurt give up being a team leader. Do you not read your own writing? What makes this even worse is how Scott continues to berate Kurt throughout the issue about not taking responsibility as team leader. Which he gave up!
As the team leave to go to their meeting, Annie tells Warren how much Paige likes him. He says she loves Chamber, to which Annie says, "Please! There's nothing to kiss! If you knew anything about women, handsome, you'd know there's nothing more important than a man who can kiss."
Firstly, superficial much? I mean wow. Yes we all know Paige is in love with Warren, but not because she can kiss him and not Chamber. You are really, really dumb Annie. Secondly, she says this WITHIN EARSHOT OF CHAMBER! Superficial AND insensitive! Your bedside manner is amazing!
So in the meeting, Kurt says it was probably the Church of Humanity who did this. Scott then berates him some more for not telling him about them before.
Back in the infirmary, Warren is almost spent and Annie and Wolverine insist on stopping. No one seems to be alive, but at the last second Jubilee wakes up.
In the meeting again, it comes up that Kurt renounced his priesthood. The others have no idea what he's talking about. None of them even knew he was a priest. Havok, apparently learning insensitivity from Annie while he was in a coma, asks if Kurt being a priest was a joke. How would it work with the way he looks?
Iceman buts in, probably surprised he's not the one being a dick this issue, and asks why they weren't invited to the ceremony. Kurt says they were. They were there. Weren't they?
In the infirmary we see Magma was also one of the victims and she's alive as well. But Skin didn't make it.
The X-Men go to the church where Kurt went to preach. It's run down and closed, but Kurt swears it was a real church. Jean says she can see his mind was tampered with. Alex continues being a dick, saying Kurt is a devil in God's house. Kurt says he used an old image inducer when preaching, which Alex jokes about. What if it went off in the middle of a sermon? I'm just assuming that Austen wrote Iceman as a dick just holding out for when Alex woke up to become supreme dick.
The issue ends when Jean rips up the floor to reveal a lab with a bunch of dead mutants.
Wow. The last two issues were decent, but now Austen is back to form! Ignoring his own continuity, turning everyone into insensitive jackasses. It's amazing really. But for most people, the main point of contention is Skin. Austen killed Skin. That pissed a lot of Generation X fans off. Personally, I was a Gen X fan, and I don't really care. Skin was never a beloved character. But I do think he deserved having his death be on panel and mean something.
Uncanny X-Men #424 Holy War Part 2 Writer: Chuck Austen Pencils: Ron Garney
So we open in the church. Kurt sees Father Whitney barely alive and ports down to him. Jean uses her powers to separate the living from the dead. Whitney tells Kurt that they were angry that he failed to curb Kurt's lustful desires. He was to be their greatest achievement when he became Pope.
...
Pope? They were going to make a newly ordained priest in New York into the next Pope? They were...we'll come back to this...
He tells Kurt the Church of Humanity is still in Montana and that he never expected to like a mutie. Then he dies. So they head to Montana. Along the way Jean surmises that the CoH used mind control to make the X-Men think they left when they didn't. Jean scans ahead, telling them if there's a psychic it might warn them they're coming.
So in Montana, we see the leader of the CoH talking to some others. The Leader expositions about how their plan failed. Kurt was to be made Pope, then they'd have arranged an accident to shut down his image inducer during a public appearance. Revealing the Pope to be "Satan" and making everyone lose faith in the church, turn to the CoH for guidance, and hunt down mutants to extinction.
Yeah. That is seriously the plan these guys were going with. I'm not even going to talk about it anymore. I don't need to.
So the leader gets pissed because the others were supposed to clean up the church in NY quietly, not leave signs for the X-Men to follow. Then the leader crushes their heads with bare hands.
I don't really care to do a detailed play by play. The X-Men split up and attack. Kurt's team finds a priest who explains their plan. The CoH were going to initiate a false Rapture after the Pope realization. The priest tells them they've been feeding him a diet of holy wafers but they don't taste right. That the wafers were filled with something to make people disappear in the blink of an eye. Then the priest clutches his stomach and disappears.
That's right, communion wafers that make people disintegrate. Sigh.
So they find the CoH leader and fight, the entire time Kurt quoting scripture. At one point Kurt teleports the leaders cowl off and...it's a woman! There's a big explosion and she dies.
So the ending narration has Kurt reveal that the leader had once been a Catholic nun. She was raped by a priest and then accused of infidelity by that priest, leading to the church to cast her out. She never lost faith in God, only in the church organization that followed him.
ALL RIGHT! I CAN'T TAKE IT! So how the **** does a cast out nun gain a following with the money, scientific resources, and clout to convince an X-Man that he's a priest when he's not, get him chosen to become Pope, and create wafers that cause people to disintegrate?! How? Plus she can crush men's skulls with her bare hands! THIS. MAKES. NO. SENSE. How did this get past the Marvel editors? How did a "professional" writer get paid for this? HOW?!
Uncanny X-Men #425 Sacred Vows Part 1 Writer: Chuck Austen Pencils: Phillip Tan
So we open the book and OMG THIS ART LOOKS HORRIBLE! Phillip Tan apparently doesn't realize when a panel is done and continues adding lines to everything. You can see the art wouldn't be bad on it's own, but all those unnecessary lines make it look messy.
Anyway, Alex walks up to Annie and they chat for a bit. Then Alex tells her he loves her and they kiss. Alex then wakes up in bed with Lorna. The next day, Alex, Scott, and Kurt talk about the bachelor party while Juggernaut yells over the phone. He's trying to get a message to Sammy and they won't let him. He smashes the phone, then turns to Scott and asks if he can join the team. Scott just walks away without replying, but Alex says he can join their team.
Later that night, Annie goes to a place called The Robin for Lorna's bachelorette party. A normal looking woman greets her, but changes into a red horned woman when she realizes Annie is with the X-Men people. She makes some racist comments about "low-genes" and takes Annie to the party. Annie decides to sit with Bobby in the corner.
So Lorna and some others are drinking and talking about Gambit. Jean doesn't think Gambit is all that but Lorna says if she were Rogue she'd take some aspirin and slap on a power inhibitor and go to town. Lorna mentions that before last year, Alex is the only man she's ever slept with. This seems to shock Northstar, asking if she never slept with Bobby. Lorna says you don't date Bobby, you endure him. She goes on about how it's similar with Alex and that you don't marry for physical gratification but for stability and parenting skills. You marry for genes. Then one of the shapeshifting strippers arrives looking like Gambit.
So back with Annie and Bobby, they chat a bit and Annie brings up that Northstar is gay. This shocks Bobby, who apparently didn't know. Annie calls him a homophobe and a racist. She says his problem right now is that his mutation could turn him from a mutant who can pass as human into a "twenty-four-seven mutant" like Kurt.
At Alex's bachelor party, they drink and then Kurt brings in a shapeshifting stripper pretending to be Annie. Alex, not realizing it isn't her, jumps up and tries to cover her up. The stripper says it was supposed to be a joke, but Alex turns to Scott and knows he did it on purpose. They step outside to talk. The rest of the guys ask the stripper to do different things, which leads to a legitimately funny moment when Beast simply shouts, "Tigra! Tigra! Tigra!"
Alex and Scott argue a bit, Scott trying to make him realize how he really feels.
Back at the Robin, Annie is leaving and Bobby runs after her. He apologizes and says he just wants someone and they kiss. It's really kinda stupid.
So it's the wedding and Paige and Jubilee are whispering about how Lorna went backstage with the Gambit stripper and never came back. Lorna comes down the aisle and Alex starts panicking. Finally he realizes he loves Annie and calls for the wedding to stop. He tells Lorna he doesn't love her anymore and hasn't for some time. Lorna flips out, grabs all the metal in the area and turns it into some Magneto looking armor and tells Alex he's gonna be sorry.
Frankly this issue isn't horrible. Still hate how he's writing Bobby. I really don't understand how Lorna gets to where she is and no one seems to care how obviously crazy she is. I mean she assaulted Annie when she arrived at the school, cutting her face with scalpels and reversing her blood flow, and no one cares? She is blatantly racist to humans and actually kills a bunch of the Church of Humanity people without needing to. But hey, it's Lorna right?
Uncanny X-Men #426 Sacred Vows Part 2 Writer: Chuck Austen Pencils: Phillip Tan
So at the institute, Cain is playing pinball inside. He looks out the window and sees Lorna reeking havok(get it?!). She blames Annie for everything. Alex grabs Annie and Carter and tells Bobby to ice her up. Bobby hesitates, and Alex yells, "There's no metal in water!"
Lorna smashes the ice no problem, telling them there's trace metals in everything. Of course Iceman makes his ice by freezing the water molecules in the air, which wouldn't HAVE trace metals. So really this makes no sense.
She grabs Bobby and does something to his blood that knocks him out. Alex then uses his powers in a new way for the first time, shooting off like a rocket with Annie and Carter. They crash down in the lake. Lorna talks to herself crazy like and goes after them.
So Alex prepares to fight Lorna. He gets some wood and fashions stakes. He tells Annie if it comes down to a choice between her and Lorna, it's her. Annie is horrified, saying Alex loved Lorna. Alex tells her how they did once but after this last break up he lost that love. He says deep down he wants to be with her.
Annie is shocked, saying he doesn't even know her. So Alex explains what he figured out. They know everything about each other because for months now Carter has been bringing their minds together in dreams, where they go on dates and share time together.
So Austen finally explains the deal between Annie and Alex. And honestly, it's not a bad reveal. It's very expositiony, but it's nice to finally get a reason behind it. I do think it took way too long. At first nobody even acted like it was weird. But anyway.
Lorna shows up. They argues. She decides that Magneto, her father, was right. But he didn't go far enough. Humans corrupt mutants and they all need to die. As do anyone who associates with them. She starts to kill Alex when Cain smashes her with a tree into the ground.
Later on, Paige and Jubilee are discussing what happened. Turns out Lorna reversed the blood flow of everyone at the wedding with powers to knock them out, except Alex and Bobby. Paige thinks maybe a small part of Lorna still cares for Bobby. So now Paige is babysitting Carter so Alex and Annie could go make a dream a reality and cut to them kissing on the Eiffel Tower.
So the issue isn't bad either. Still sad to see Lorna go insane. Juggernaut saving the day was amusing. I do think maybe he could have found a better way to explain the truth behind Annie and Alex without so much exposition, but whatever.
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Post by Stardrifter on Nov 25, 2014 23:54:01 GMT -5
Uncanny X-Men #427 The Dead Have No Rights Writer: Chuck Austen Pencils: Steve Kim
At Beverly Glen Cemetery in LA, Warren, Paige, and Jubilee are standing over Angelo(Skin)'s grave. Jubilee says she feels terrible because Angelo asked her out before he died and she said no. She thinks she might have made a mistake and could have made him happy before he died. Paige and Warren try to talk her out of it.
Warren then lets them be alone since he has something he wanted to do. Jubilee asks Paige about their relationship, to which Paige explains that he's been keeping her at arms length since Jono(Chamber) came back. Warren thinks they're in love. Paige says he's being an idiot and she wants to get naked with him. So why doesn't she just tell him that? I mean, it shouldn't take but a minute to explain to Warren that she wants to be with him. Just a, "Hey! I don't love Jono! **** me now!" Whatever...
Jubilee starts being sad again, wondering if she could have loved Angelo and such. I find it really hard to not think about how she went through a very similar situation before with Synch. Someone she knew she loved but didn't tell him and he died. I mean I know she and Angelo were friends, and losing someone is always hard, but she's been through these emotions before. You'd think she'd mention it or have learned from it or something.
So two guys interrupt them and say they need to dig Angelo up.
So cut to the Children's Hospital in LA. Warren is walking down the...OH MY GOD! WHAT THE BLEEDING HELL IS UP WITH HIS WINGS! They're like...snakes wings or something. What the ****? Who draws wings like that? I tried to find a pic of it but couldn't. Don't have a scanner. But it's bad.
So he asks to see a doctor, saying he has a unique proposition.
Back in the cemetery, the men say they have to dig Angelo up because he's a mutant and it's against policy. Paige tells Jubilee to go talk to the manager while she waits there.
At the hospital, Warren tells the doctor about his healing blood. The doctor asks the nurse to take a sample to test for viruses, Hepatitis, and AIDS. Warren interrupts to tell him mutants don't get AIDS. The doctor says he doesn't know if he's a mutant or just a guy with fake wings, so Warren spreads his wings for them. The doctor tells his nurse to get a scalpel.
Jubilee barges into the cemetery manager's office, demanding to know what's going on. He yells back, saying the cemetery is religiously backed and the contract his family signed said they don't allow mutants. He tells her that he has to dig Angelo up and cremate him, at his own expense, but he can at least give them the ashes.
At the hospital, the doctor cuts his arm and Warren's arm and presses them together, healing himself. And...bull****. What about those blood viruses doctor? Hepatitis? Sure mutants are immune to AIDS, but not everything. And what doctor in his right mind is going to just take some random guy off the streets word that his blood heals people and immediately test it on himself? He's get his license revoked so fast his head would spin. They would have to take blood samples and test it in numerous ways. It would take months before any self respecting doctor would use it on any human. Let alone himself. Let alone...
So at the cemetery, the one big gravedigger decides he wants to fight a girl half his size. Because...assault is fun? So Paige turns her skin into stone and beats him up a bit. He gets hurt and says "Now it's gonna start!" and his skin turns to metal. Paige says he's another Colossus, revealing he's a mutant. The gravedigger isn't happy about being outed.
So at the hospital, the doctor takes Warren to a sick kid and asks the mother if they can try something unorthodox. Yep, after one test on a cut the doctor is ready to just pump that mutant blood into some kids! Possible side effects be damned! For all he knows, it could turn them into mutants. Or heal them for a while then kill them. He has no idea because he's not doing what doctors do and TEST THINGS FIRST!
So Paige and metal man fight some. At one point she says something really stupid, "I'm familiar with Colossus' strength level, and I know you barely felt that." Really? Since you know the level of one mutant with metal skin you must know the level of ALL mutants with metal skin? I mean one metal skinned mutant could never be stronger or weaker than another. Heck when YOUR skin turns metal you're automatically on Colossus' level.
The manager and Jubilee shows up. He fires the gravedigger for being a mutant, ignoring the ASSAULT, RECKLESS ENDANGERMENT, and PROPERTY DAMAGE. Nope, a human worker doing that is all well and good. But a mutant?! Never!
Anyway they dig up Angelo and cremate him. After the X-Men leave, the manager continues to be racist to mutants when he gets a phone call. Turns out the woman with the child Warren healed is his wife and daughter!
Uncanny X-Men #428 Draco Prologue: How Did I Get Here? Writer: Chuck Austen Pencils: Sean Phillips
We open in Germany, twenty years ago. Which, spoilers, means that Nightcrawler is 20 years old. Which doesn't fit at all with continuity. Already off to a good start!
So we see a maid and a groundskeeper at a castle getting dressed after canoodling. The man remarks how she never seemed interested before. She tells him to come to her room tonight. He explains he's not allowed in after dark. She convinces him.
The maid goes inside and we see it's Mystique. She changes back to herself briefly, is caught by the real maid, then quickly changes back to Lady Wagner. This also makes no sense. Why would Mystique change to her real form and risk being caught?
Anyway, night falls and Mystique and Baron Wagner discuss her test results. She's not barren, so their lack of children lies with him. He knows they both wanted children and is afraid to be a disappointment.
Later when they're asleep, they hear the groundskeeper sneak in to the maids room and her flip out. Mystique yucks it up.
There's a montage of Raven getting in vitro fertilization and her sleeping with three other men. Cut to Baron Wagner and her depressed about no luck with getting pregnant.
So cut to a party at the manor and Baron Wagner introduces Raven to...Azazel. ****! Well let's get this over with. Azazel introduced as the ruler of an island nation off of Bermuda called La Isla des Demonas. Does no one care the name of his nation clearly says DEMON in it!?
Another day, Raven and Azazel are riding together and Azazel tells her bluntly that the Baron can't give her a child. He also gives her the inspiration for the name Mystique.
Later Raven goes to a church to meet Azazel. They decide to have sex in the church. Azazel tells her to remove her false form, showing he knows she's a shapeshifter. She does and the get it on.
Later Raven is at the top of a water fall, yelling that she's in love. We hear the familiar BAMF effect and see Azazel behind her, with the silhouette of a tail. Light catches just the lower part of his face and it's bright red. She tells him she's pregnant. She thinks they'll run away and Azazel explains he's pleased, but not for the reasons she thinks. He tells her he doesn't feel anything for her and she is to raise the child as the Baron's.
Later in bed, the Baron is questioning if the child is his. They had such trouble and he knows she spent so much time with Azazel. Now that she's pregnant he up and vanished. So rather than let him run a test, she guts him and burys his body outside. And no one questions why the Baron disappears suddenly? Whatever.
She gives birth, it's Nightcrawler, she lets her form go slightly revealing she's a mutant, she runs away. She says Azazel ruined everything. Now she can escape by changing her form but will leave with nothing. Um...why? Just change into some other rich person, kill them, and take all their money. Yeah she can't be Raven Wagner anymore but she could be some other rich person there. Heck change into whoever the next in line for the Barony is.
She drops Kurt off the waterfall and asks why Azazel couldn't love her. The end.
So wait, how does Kurt get the last name Wagner? The circus finds him and happens to hear about the late Baron's wife having a blue child and names him Wagner? Bah! So much in this makes no sense, and it's only the beginning...
Uncanny X-Men #429 The Draco Pt 1 Writer: Chuck Austen Pencils: Phillip Tan
So the first issue of this most dreaded of arcs opens in the early morning hours at Xaviers. Cyclops is walking down the hall in shorts and holding a towel. The hallway, which is in the underground base portion of the school, has steam all over the floor. Apparently indicating that he was showering in a room with no door.
He walks by whistling and then Kurt appears out of the shadows. He's also naked. Did he just come out of the shower too? Was he with Cyclops? Considering all the steam that follows him from the hallway and into the hangar, I'm going to assume yes. Yes Cyclops and Kurt take early morning showers together.
So he starts clutching his head in pain, overcomes it with some spittle on his lips, then takes off in the jet. Wolverine sees him go.
In the kitchen, two cooks are getting ready for the day. They open up the freezer and find Iceman encased in a block of ice. Why? Because secondary mutation? I don't know.
Cut to Xavier's office and people giving Bobby crap for not telling them what was going on yadda yadda. Wolverine busts in to ask if anyone sent Kurt on a mission.
So Xavier explains how he was trying to help the mutant Abyss lately and noticed an awful lot of teleporting mutants all headed toward the Isla des Demonas in Bermuda. Oh hey, you know that island Alex, Lorna, and Kurt went to recently. What a coincidence. You think maybe Chuck would have said something when a large group of teleporting mutants suddenly started going to the island your teleporting mutant teammate was just at.
Off the coast of Florida, a mutant who looks almost exactly like Kurt is walking toward the water on the beach. At least this one's wearing swim trunks. Kurt hovers the jet close to the beach so he can open the hatch and look at the guy.
In the infirmary, Alex and Annie are saying goodbye. Annie takes the opportunity to be kinky and ask Alex to wear the suit for her when he comes back. Xavier brings Lorna in, who acts all creepy, wanting to scan her mind. Cain busts in, demanding to speak with Xavier. Xavier then wins the "Stupidest Decision Award" for leaving Lorna alone with Annie. Yes, let's leave the psychopath alone with the woman she attempted to murder! I mean sure she's got power inhibitors on.
So Cain wants to go see Sammy because his father is probably beating him. They argue, leading to some of the most hilarious faces in comic history. Tan's art is HORRIBLE. The scene, which is supposed to be powerful as we learn about how Cain's father beat both him and Xavier and why they let it happen, just turns out of be comical because of the OVER THE TOP faces. Anyway, Xavier says Northstar can take him to see Sammy.
So on the Isla des Demonas, Wolverine, Havok, Jubilee, Angel, Husk, and Iceman sneak up to a bonfire where Kurt and a bunch of others are holding hands around it. In the fire they see Azazel and his minions appearing.
The issue is, just there. The art is horrific but the story isn't offensive or anything. It's just dumb.
Uncanny X-Men #430 The Draco Pt 2 Writer: Chuck Austen Pencils: Phillip Tan
Issue opens with Sammy's father beating him, then turning to beat Sammy's Mom when she tries to interfere. Sammy leaves and we see his parents arguing.
Back in Xaviers, Lorna invites Annie to join Xavier inside her head. She starts giving Annie crap about not liking mutants. Then Xorn arrives and acts creepy. Xavier asks if he could help but Xorn interrupts, saying some healing her prefers not to attempt because it's futile. Xorn wants Carter to join his class because he's a powerful mutant who needs guidance. They tell him no essentially, then Xorn leaves while making a snide remark about what they're doing to Lorna. All in all, it's obvious now who Xorn was intended to be.
Annie then agrees to go in Lorna's head to see how mutants can be mistreated by humans, but only if Lorna then goes in her head to see how humans can be mistreated by mutants.
Back in Vancouver, Sammy is walking down the street when Carter appears in astral form and talks to him telepathically. Turns out Carter sneaked on the X-Jet to the Isla des Demonas. They talk a bit, then Sammy gets jumped.
So Xavier takes Annie in Lorna's mind, but Lorna shows her when she had sex with Alex.
On the island, the X-Men debate what to do. A huge dimensional rift with an army inside is opening in front of them and Alex isn't sure they should interfere. Granted because he wants to be sure Kurt will be okay if they interfere, but there's a friggin army invading your dimension! Do something!
Xavier's takes control of Lorna's memories and we see her explain that she went to Genosha to discover if she was Magneto's daughter. She says the one who proved she wasn't his daughter wasn't trustworthy(I don't recall who that was), so she wanted to run the test herself.
On the Island, the Professor from back on their archaeological dig shows up with Carter. Alex waste's more time dealing with him until that big army coming through the gate finally attacks them, forcing the X-Men to DO something. Iceman gets shot with an arrow and explodes. There's a big fight, a giant explosion, and then all that's left is a crater.
This issue sucks. It's boring and feels like padding. This arc is 6 issues and doesn't need to be. This is back when every arc started becoming 6 issues to fit nicely into TPBs, meaning every story had to be padded out.
Uncanny X-Men #431 The Draco Pt 3 Writer: Chuck Austen Pencils: Phillip Tan
We open to Lorna's mind. She discovered she was in fact Magneto's daughter and went to Genosha to confront him. Only he had somehow heard she found out and like any politician, revealed the secret himself before someone else could. So when she arrived the Genoshan's treated her like a princess. Then they all died.
Elsewhere, the X-Men find themselves in a barren wasteland. Everyone's okay, so Jubilee takes the opportunity to check out and comment on Kurt's nakedness. Which is apparently impressive. Then Azazel shows up with his horde. He mentions that he should have foreseen the X-Men following Kurt. "Too many variables. Too complex a plan." You think?! But we'll get to that later in the arc.
On of his cronies, Yidrazil, sees Warren and shouts out that he's an Angel. Azazel tells him no, he's recently born. No more than 3 decades. But he wears the tunic of the Angels! Apparently Warren's ugly new outfit is really Angelic! Despite all this, Warren and Kurt have a friendly chat and Warren offers to bleed on his hands. But Kurt screams because his blood is burning him. We'll come back to this stupidity later as well. Azazel's cronies see that an Angel is harming one of their own and attack.
In Vancouver, Sammy is getting beat up on by a bunch of kids. But they're shocked when he suddenly fights back and kicks their asses. On one kid he just wails on his face over and over while the kids who were helping to beat Sammy up just watch. The kid begs Sammy to stop, but he says he doesn't stop for anything. He's the Juggernaut...*****! Okay he doesn't say that last word. So he continues to pound on the one kid and the THREE others run away screaming. Because...he's the Juggernaut? I don't know.
On route to Vancouver, Northstar and Cain are chatting while they fly. Cain acts a bit homophobic. They insult each other a bit. Northstar mentions not finding Cain attractive, which Cain argues about. Saying a lot of women find him attractive. To which Northstar jokes about how Cain apparently want him to find him attractive. It's not a horrible scene.
In Lorna's mind, the Sentinel's are killing the Genoshans and we see that she decides then that Magneto was right. Despite the fact that it was a mutant who sent the Sentin...aw who cares. Austen doesn't. Anyway Lorna is able to use her powers to protect herself(why not anyone else, I don't know) and watching all the death around her goes a little bat**** crazy.
Back in the real world, Annie is crying under a desk while Lorna tells Xavier that she won't hurt anybody anymore. She just wanted Alex to love her like he used to and forget everything. So yeah, we can definitely trust her now. Yep. Pinky swear!
So in the Elsewhere, Azazel tries to make his army stop fighting but they won't. Really good job there chief. Your vast demon army that you yourself mention later you can MIND CONTROL has no discipline whatsoever. Boot camp must be fun.
Jubilee asks Abyss about his powers. Abyss doesn't know where things go inside him. He tries to use his powers but now things are coming out rather than going in. And Mystique pops out.
This arc continues to be stupid. A lot of the stupidity we have to come back to after later revelations. The stuff with Sammy and Juggernaut is still the only good storyline going on.
Uncanny X-Men #432 The Draco Pt 4 Writer: Chuck Austen Pencils: Phillip Tan
In "Hell", the X-Men fight with Azazel's flunkies until Azazel gets so mad he shoots lightning all over the place. He tells them he's tired from trying to open the portal to Earth that collapsed and needs to rest. When he's better he wants certain people brought to his dinner table. Kiwi Black, Mystique, Archangel, Wolverine, the archaeologist, Abyss, and especially Nightcrawler. He sends the rest to the tombs. Warren flips out about Paige and is knocked out.
In Vancouver, Sammy's parents are arguing, but only verbally. She tells him how she should have let Sammy stay in New York. That he was probably safer with the Juggernaut than his own father. Um...ya think? Your husband habitually beats the **** out of Sammy and you thought he was better off here? Way to figure it out too late lady.
So there's a knock on the door and it's Cain and Northstar. He asks to see Sammy and the parents flip their lides. Sammy's Mom runs for a panic button. Sammy shows up, his face looking beat to hell, and he hugs Cain. Cain starts to accuse Sammy's Dad, who tries to say he fell, then Cain unlocks some new Cytorak power to unhinge his jaw like a snake and screams that Sammy's father is a dead man.
At Azazel's table, he explains to the gathered X-Men that they've disrupted his very laborious long term plans. warren asks who he is and where Paige is. Azazel tells them he's Kurt's father. Mystique confirms. He also reveals he's the father of many of the people there, including Kiwi Black and Abyss.
He tells them his follower can discern truth and in this room there are no lies. So Kurt asks Mystique if she's his mother, as she has hinted at before. Hinted at? Hinted at?! It's been long since established she is. It's fact. It hasn't been hinted in years!
Azazel reveals Kurt's adopted mother was his friend. Kurt calls his step mother for some reason that makes no sense. Margail wasn't married to Azazel. How is she his step mother? Warren asks again who he is, to which he reveals he is known as many names, most commonly Satan. Warren doesn't accept it. The archaeologist says he doesn't believe it, to which Azazel's truthsayer says he's lying. He calls Azazel a liar, so Azazel's man kills him.
Meanwhile in Vancouver, Cain throws Sammy's father through a wall. Northstar runs to him and is greeted by Vindicator, Guardian, and Sasquatch from Alpha Flight in really stupid looking armor. Hell Sasquatch looks like Juggernaut! He hates Juggeranut, why would he wear a helmet that makes him look like Juggernaut?
Anyway, this issue isn't any better. It's so padded. Again, the stuff with Cain and Sammy is good, but the rest is just drawn out like mad. Again, gonna wait one more issue to really address the revelations about Azazel and such. Mostly just so I can concentrate my revulsion into a single post.
Uncanny X-Men #433 The Draco Pt 5 Writer: Chuck Austen Pencils: Phillip Tan
In the Infirmary, Annie is freaking out while Lorna continues to insult her. A boy shows up to ask where Carter is. He hasn't been in any classes all day.
Cut to the X-Men in a jail cell. Paige, Jubilee, Alex, Carter, and Bobby's head. Carter says he can hear Bobby's thoughts. There's not enough moisture for Bobby to reform his body. Carter tells Alex Bobby is thinking bad words about how Alex stole Lorna and Annie from him. Alex, always classy, offers to piss on Bobby to give him the moisture he needs.
In Vancouver, Sasquatch goes ballistic and attacks Cain. Northstar goes to take Sammy's father to the hospital. He asks Sammy to get his own mother to safety, rather than, you know, flying them out of immediate danger himself. He is a super speedster. Would take, what, 20 seconds? But nope. Instead he leaves them in the crumbling house with Cain and Sasquatch fighting not 5 feet away. Nice one.
At Azazel's table, he goes on about how Warren's "kind" banished him from Earth, which he ruled. He mentions how any science sufficiently advanced is indistinguishable from magic. Kurt figures out that Azazel isn't "Satan" per say, but a mutant from Biblical times. Azazel tells them how he is an advanced human from Biblical times who challenged "God" by ruling normal humans and "fell from grace" and was "cast out" by "angels," another group of mutated humans, into another dimension.
Okay, lets discuss this whole concept now. So Azazel's got this really intricate plan, with tons of variables, to try and get back to Earth. There's one HUGE, MONSTROUS plot hole in the entire thing. HE WENT TO EARTH 20 YEARS AGO TO CONCEIVE NIGHTCRAWLER!!! Plus all the other kids he had. It makes NO SENSE.
Now that that's out of the way, let's discuss the whole Biblical mutant bull. We're back into these groups of mutants from the Dominant Species arc. So nowadays there are werewolf mutants. Entire groups of unrelated people who all got the same mutation. Now we discover that back in Biblical times, there were "Demon" mutants and "Angel" mutants. And the "Angel" mutants, the ones who Warren is hinted at being some relation to, were able to banish the "Demon" mutants to another dimension with their amazing powers of...wings! And healing blood!
And about that healing blood. Remember when Warren burned Kurt trying to heal him? Back when they still wanted you to think Azazel was a demon that made some sort of ridiculous sense. Guess what, doesn't work any more. They're all just mutants. Kurt is a mutant. Warren is a mutant. Why on Earth would his healing blood hurt Kurt? Because...stupid?
Anyway, back to the "plot." Azazel decides to allow his minions to kill Warren and Wolverine. He tells them to savor the death, make it slow, since it'll be some time before they get back to Earth. I guess until Azazel gets horny, then he can travel to Earth just fine!
As they drag Warren away, the first thing he yells is for Kurt to look after Paige. He can't believe what he's gotten her into. This line is getting old. Warren can never believe what he keeps getting Paige into. I mean, the X-Men keep going on missions in dangerous situations. How could he have gotten her, a fellow X-Man, into this! Shame!
So Cain and Sasquatch continue to fight, destroying the house. Sammy and his Mom limp away only to have the house fall on them. Way to go Northstar!
Azazel, Abyss, Kiwi Black, Kurt, and Azazel's truthsayer go for a walk. Azazel wants answers from Kiwi, who won't answer, so he tells his truthsayer to take him and kill him. Alone with the others, Kurt asks why he wants to kill Kiwi. Because Kiwi didn't protect the portal through which he intended to return to Earth. "The only gateway out of this hellhole." See above.
He mentions it's the same dimension Kurt teleports through and the same dimension Abyss absorbs things into. He reveals he can watch the Earth but can't go there. Kurt tells him he can't teleport. His body feels as if he's already where he's going.
Back at La Isla Des Demonas, Xavier, Lorna, and...Annie arrive? What the **** is Annie doing there? You're landing in a crater after a huge interdimensional battle and you bring an untrained human nurse? Where's Cyclops? Jean? Emma? Beast? Someone with training and powers?
So Lorna notices the remnants of the dimensional portal. "It's a recent rip in the spatial fabric. I can see the magnetic lines of force spread apart and broken and I think I can open them." WHAT? She can see magnetic lines of force? What does that even mean? What the hell does magnetism have to do with opening dimensional portals? There's comic science and then there's stupid.
As she opens the rift, they see Kurt and Azazel talking. Then we get some answers about Azazel's ludicrous plan, but it only makes it worse. So the portal has to be opened from both sides for someone to go through. So Margail used to open it from Earth while Azazel opened it from his side, allowing him to return to Earth. SO WHY THE **** DID YOU GO BACK?!?! Why did he CHOOSE to go back to his prison? They talk about having to open a portal large enough for his army. The leader of the angels did it once before to banish them all. Okay first, who opened it on the other side for the angel then? Second, why didn't Azazel just open a portal big enough for his army once Margail got him through? Is he not as powerful as the angel leader? Heck, why not just open a small portal and do it one by one? Sure it'll take some time, but it makes more sense than GOING BACK TO THE DIMENSION YOU CAN'T GET OUT OF!!! And as he brought more of his amry to Earth, there'd be more people to open portals! THIS. MAKES. NO. SENSE!!!!!
Anyway the comic ends with Lorna, Xavier, and Annie looking through Abyss' stomach into the hell dimension. This comic is beyond stupid. This whole story is so full of plot wholes and inconsistencies you could send an entire demon army to Earth through it. And there's one issue to go!
Uncanny X-Men #434 The Draco Pt 6 Writer: Chuck Austen Pencils: Takeshi Miyazawa
First off, the last issue of the arc suddenly changes artists. I don't know why, but it's a bit jarring. Though not unwelcome, since I like Miyazawa's art better.
So Mystique points out she can see Xavier through Abyss' stomach. Azazel charges toward him, but Kurt ports the two of them away. Azazel is all upset that Kurt lied to him about not being able to use his powers.
This does beg a question though. Abyss' powers still work, fine. They're reversed. So instead of sending all the stuff he sucks in to Azazel's dimension, now his stomach is a portal back to Earth. No big deal. But it's established in this arc that on Earth, when Kurt ports he goes into Azazel's dimension to travel. So when he ports in Azazel's dimension, is he porting through Earth? If not then how is he porting if his ports send him to the dimension he's in and...oh look I've gone cross-eyed...
Back in Canada, Juggernaut and Alpha Flight are still fighting as Sammy tries to wake his Mom up. Cain finally notices Sammy, who asks him not to hurt them anymore. Sasquatch tackles him and starts pounding on him, but Cain just takes it, his eyes fixed on Sammy. Guardian and Vindicator have to pull Sasquatch off. And then Northstar shows up and takes no blame for leaving a kid and a defenseless human woman alone in a super powered fight.
In Azazel's castle, they find Ginniyeh, the truthsayer, unconscious on the floor. She mentions Kiwi Black having the power of plot conv...er...the power to shield his thoughts from her, which they didn't anticipate. She and Azazel decide to kill the rest of the X-Men.
Cut to Warren strung up and about to be tortured. They chat a bit, then we see Kiwi Black sneaking up behind Yidrazil with a machete.
In the cell with the rest of the X-Men, Carter tells them Iceman is ready to take any water they can offer to reform himself. Alex apologizes for earlier and they all agree to let him take what they need. But Ginniyeh shows up and kicks all their asses. That is until she dries up to a husk and Iceman reforms himself.
Abyss and Kurt are running through the castle. Abyss is rambling, explaining how he just knew Kurt was lying about his powers earlier, because they're brothers and must have some connection, so he lied too. Because he just liked Kurt and didn't like Azazel. Then Lorna's head pops out of Abyss' stomach. She is kind of a *****, insulting Abyss before just forcing him to open his portal wide enough to suck everything back to Earth. When Kurt tells her she'll kill him, she just says he looked like he could handle it. And Xavier decided she was stable enough for missions? Really? Oh and Wolverine breaks free. Remember him? He's still here. Yeah I forgot too.
So Lorna shows some concern now, asking Xavier if the giant portal she's forcing Abyss to open is hurting him. Xavier explains she isn't, which is a nice thing to know AFTER you've already done potential damage. As the X-Men come through, Lorna actually says, and I quote, "Look everyone! It's Bobby Drake--Iceman!" Well thank you Lorna! For a minute I thought it was Bobby Drake--Fireman! I mean it's nice of you to explain to everyone around you who already knows who Bobby is who he is. Iceman gives Carter back to Annie and she kiss him in gratitude, leaving Alex looking all sad. Because...drama? Kinda stupid.
Back in Azazel's dimension, rather than taking the opportunity to escape through the giant portal in his son's stomach, his entire purpose for over 2000 years, Azazel decides to attack Kurt. They show that Azazel can teleport like Kurt and can match Kurt port for port. He says, "I know the currents of this dimensional rift like I know my own tail, Kurt. You can't escape me through there." So he can't esca...wait what!? He did escape earlier when he ported Abyss away. You were all mad and had to run around looking for him. Why didn't you just follow the "currents" then? *sigh*
So Azazel attacks Kurt with two swords. Why two swords? So Kurt can steal one and they can have an epic duel. That's why! They play out their Luke vs. Vader moment until the ground gives way under Azazel and he falls into some swirly white lights and...what the ****?! YOU JUST SHOWED THE GUY CAN TELEPORT!! How the bloody hell does he fall into some abyss when he can teleport?! Why didn't he just port to Abyss and jump back to Earth!? The guy is obsessed for millenia in getting back to Earth, to the point when he's there he still goes BACK into captivity to concoct some ridiculously intricate plan to get BACK out, and then when the chance for freedom arrives again he stays to reenact Star Wars rather than leave, and falls into some abyss rather than teleport away?
**** it! I'm not even gonna talk about the last page. This issue is over. Done. This entire arc has been a horrendous mistake. Chuck Austen is a hack. This isn't even up to fanfiction standards. But he's not the only one to blame. Blame Mike Marts. editor. Blame Cory Sedlmeier and Stephanie Moore, Assistant Editors. Blame Joe Quesadilla, Editor in Chief. All four of them ALLOWED this garbage to be published. Sure Austen wrote it, but they let it pass without squashing it for being worthless dreck. They are the Peter Parker to Austen's burglar, allowing him to get by so he can murder us poor Uncle Ben's with his horrible writing.
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Post by All Star Silentking on Nov 26, 2014 1:51:26 GMT -5
I have a question. WHY THE F*CK WASN'T THIS RETCON AWAT?! Azazel just showed up in Amazing X-Men #1-6 (the story that brought back Nightcrawler from the dead around six months ago or so) and he is still trying to get back to Earth! Yeah that arc was good in my opinion but it is mind puzzling that they didn't abort this arc from continuity when Austen left.
Edit: And so there is no confusion, I mean I thought the Amazing X-Men arc was good. Not anything by Austen.
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Post by Stardrifter on Dec 7, 2014 19:26:12 GMT -5
Uncanny X-Men #435 The Trial of the Juggernaut Pt 1 Writer: Chuck Austen Pencils: Ron Garney
And the stupid didn't end with the Draco folks. Let's just see where this issue takes us.
We open in a Vancouver super villain prison. She-Hulk is representing Cain and goes over a huge list of crimes he's committed. I'm just going to point a couple out for future reference.
Grievous bodily harm to one "Madame Web" Assault and Battery on Marvin T. Rocksalt Grievous bodily harm done to Marie Cavendish One count animal cruelty
Now these are just the worst of them. The rest she lists off are all property damage and larceny, but there's a TON of that. She doesn't mention the numerous times he's attempted murder on people. Heck Xavier alone has about two dozen no doubt.
She suggests he plea bargain. If he has any info on some other super villain to offer up, it may only get him so many life sentences.
Jen and her partner Jack meet with Xavier and some pointless background X-Men. I apologize for not being up on She-Hulk comics, so I don't know who Jack is, but he's a lawyer with a mutant photographic memory. That's...not a mutation. There are normal humans with that ability. You make Cypher look like a real super hero.
So Jack berates Xavier a bit and tells him there's not much chance of helping Cain. Especially since Cain doesn't seem to care if he's convicted.
In Cain's cell they hear someone in the next room going nuts. Turns out it's...Rhino? Not up on my Spider-Man of the time, but when did Rhino become a mutant Rhino? I guess maybe here for the first time since there is a line later about experimenting on him. I dunno.
Rhino beats up on the guards, a stray shot lets Cain loose, and as Rhino is about to kill a guard Cain stops him. They fight, Cain keeps trying to get the guard to give him the gun. He finally gets it and shoots Rhino in the mouth. So I assume Rhino is dead. Because it's a pretty vicious shot.
Cain has the chance to leave, since the prison wall is wide open revealing...an open field? So this super villain prison in the middle of Vancouver opens up to a grassy field with mountains in the distance but no fences? Guard posts? Anything? But Cain doesn't leave. Jack and Jen use it to get him bail, showing he's not a flight risk.
Jen wants to know what Cain's deal is. What's the angle? Where's the money in it for him? He explains she knows nothing about him. In the time's they fought she never found out his stance on politics or women's rights etc. Jen asks him what his stance on women's rights is. Then cut to...
No! NO!! NO COMIC!! NO NO NO!! This is bull****! Cut to Jen in bed with Cain? WHAT THE ****?!?!? See that list of crimes up there. She-Hulk is sleeping with a man who did those things. Not to mention a ****ING CLIENT!!! She could get disbarred!! And all this for a man you have no chemistry with?! God dammit Austen you are a hack! This is why the writer for the She-Hulk comic had to say it was a robot!
Oh and Cain's answer to women's rights is that "Sometimes women are just plain better than men." And saying that in bed hints that he's slept with men to be able to make that comparison.
Issue ends with another Juggernaut outside the window. Stupid ****ing issue...
Uncanny X-Men #436 The Trial of the Juggernaut Pt 2 Writer: Chuck Austen Pencils: Ron Garney
Issue opens with the second Juggernaut plowing into the bedroom. He tells Cain that Cyttorak sends his regards. So Cyttorak chose someone else for the Juggernaut powers because Cain defied him.
Cain charges, Juggernaut slaps him away, She-Hulk punches him and hurts her hand. I don't confess to know a lot about She-Hulk, but I didn't think her power level was that low.
There's some more fighting. Juggernaut starts digging his finger into Cain's chest when Jen drives a truck into him. Jen tries to reason with Cain that they need to retreat and get help, but Cain just wants to kick his ass.
Meanwhile, Xavier and Jack White are meeting with Ms. Shinigawa, the prosecutor in Cain's case. They're trying to convince her Cain was trying to save Sammy from his father and that he should be extradited to the US. She bluntly tells them no. Cain was stopped by Canadian heroes where American ones failed. She wants to show the world that Canada is a force to be reckoned with and doesn't let criminals off. Also she refuses to believe Cain can change.
There's more fighting. Cain and Juggernaut tear up the town. Finally Jen starts yelling at Cain, telling him he's just a bully who likes losing his temper. That he'll never change and never stop to think about the people he's hurting. Yadda yadda. She gets through to him and he has a plan.
One panel cut to the meeting where Ms. Shinigawa says White had to have known he couldn't win. To which White says that doesn't mean he didn't want to win. So she calls it pointless male pride. And that's the panel. So a lawyer wanting to win his case is MALE pride? Um...okay...
Cain rips the helmet off the Juggernaut and tells Jen to hit him but the Juggernaut starts shrinking. Turns out he's just a kid. Somehow taking his helmet off takes away his powers? Why? I don't know. The kid was a boy from an X-Men Unlimited issue who lived next to Xavier's and abused animals.
Back in the meeting, Sammy and his mom come to talk to Shinigawa. At first Shinigawa isn't swayed until she hears that it's the mother that wants to stand up for Cain. She tells her how the cops kept doing nothing every time she reported her husband for abusing them. She admits she was afraid of Cain when he was at their house but she's more afraid that Shinigawa will send her home to her husband.
White and Shinigawa talk on the roof. She has a change of heart and agrees to let Cain be taken to the US, provided he does a ton of community service, pays for all the Canadian damages, and gets counseling. Um...why?
This is obviously just Austen writing himself into a corner. Her change of heart is weak. Here's a thought, don't send Sammy and her Mom home to her abusive husband AND charge Cain for his numerous, NUMEROUS crimes. Sure Cain is trying to change, but he just destroyed another block or so of property THAT VERY DAY! So because he protected Sammy he's suddenly absolved of his YEARS of crimes?
Don't get me wrong, the character development Cain gets is one of the only good things about Austen's run. But this is ridiculous. He needed to finally clear up Cain's legal issues so he could continue being a hero but this is just doesn't make any logical sense.
All in all, the issue isn't horrible. It's mostly fighting. But the turn at the end is just stupid. And since when does the Juggernaut lose his powers when his helmet comes off? Weird...
Uncanny X-Men #437 She Lies With Angels Pt. 1 Writer: Chuck Austen Pencils: Salvador Larroca
We open in Cumberland, Kentucky. Two kids are talking, with annoyingly written Southern accents, some video game. Jeb Guthrie, brother of Sam(Cannonball) and Paige(Husk) and his black friend Ray. I bring up the black thing for a point later on. They start talking trash about a kid named Abraham Cabot. And it keeps going. And going. And Abraham and his two friends are within ear shot, so they come over and start trouble. He say's Jeb and his family are dirt, worse because they hang out with "Raymond's kind", and even worse because some of them turned out to be mutants. He punches Jeb, who asks "What do you mean 'some' of my family are muties, Cabot? I just hit puberty..." Jeb then proceeds to fire blue eye beams at Abraham, setting him on fire. All and all it's not a bad start, despite the stereotypical Southern characterization.
The sheriff who was sitting there and didn't interfere until now jumps up, yelling at the kids to put it out. The kids yell that it's not going out, it's electrical. Jeb tells them it's not frying him and is interrupted by a man full on swinging at the back of his head with a crowbar. And this doesn't really do anything. I don't think invulnerability is anywhere in his power set, but somehow a blow that should kill him just mildly annoys him. When the sheriff, gun on Jeb, asks the man why he did it, he says they started it. "It's them Gurthries and them coloreds all over again!"
Okay Austen, I know racism is a real issue and all. But even just ignoring the fact that in a world with aliens and mutants, "human" racists would almost certainly ignore past hatreds and focus more on a "human" vs. "them" mentality. Rather than hating someone for being black, they'd likely band with them as humans against everyone else. Even ignoring all that, you still think that Kentucky is just filled with white people who hate "their kind" and walk around calling people colored? I'm not saying people like that don't exist, but perpetuating such a stereotype of Southerners in a comic series built on overcoming such stereotypes seems rather backward.
Back to the story, Jeb tries to shoot the sheriff who is pointing a gun at him and accidentally blows up a car which in turn blows up a house. The sheriff tries to talk Jeb down but finally shoots the kid.
At Xavier's, Paige approaches Warren and...Jesus H. Christ do we really need more of this. Pretty much Paige throws herself at him yet again and Warren walks away. There's no reason any more. He just brushes her off because...drama! She even points out how he came to her and showed interest in starting a relationship with her. Sure he then got a little confused when Jono came back, but Paige spent issues explaining to him that they were through. This is just stupid.
Jubilee shows up with a phone to tell Paige her brother was shot. Cut to the Guthrie farm where Jeb is healed thanks to Warren Jeb's Mom and Ray's parent's are giving their kids crap about what happened. Long story short, it comes out that the kids planned the whole thing to try and scare the Cabots. The sheriff say's he'll be back for the boy when he's healed and until then they're all banned from town. Which is illegal. And they go along with it. Why?
Paige asks where her brother Josh is. One of her sister's says he's performing at the View tonight. The View?! Are we going to get a cameo from Barbara Walters and Whoopi! This comic must have sold like hotcakes!
No turns out the View is a restaurant. There's a waitress named Rosalinda who is ignoring customers to watch the show about to start. The other young waitress she's talking to is only given the last name Cabot. Those same Cabots that the Guthries are fighting...
So the Cabot girl starts narrating as Josh begins his song. He's a young man with red wings(way to be original there Austen...) and can apparently sing with more than one voice. Her narration is teenage tripe and ends with her praying that he's singing to her.
Hmm...so this Cabot girl is hoping that this Guthrie boy is in love with her. A girl and boy from two families that hate each other and come to violence. If they did fall in love, it would cause all kind of drama between the families. Wow Austen! This sounds like the makings of an amazing story! How did you think up this original, dramatic, poignant story all by yourself?! Maybe I underestimated you as a writer! This is literary gold right here!
So this issue isn't so bad. There's stupid bits, but in and of itself it's not horrendous. It's more about what it's leading to and how obvious it is that makes it bad. The art, however, is great. I'm a fan of Larroca's art and this is some beautiful work.
Uncanny X-Men #438 She Lies With Angels Pt. 2 Writer: Chuck Austen Pencils: Salvador Larroca
We open back at the Guthrie Home. One of the kids spots the Cabots pulling up with guns. The Mom tells her kid to get her gun and she goes out to confront them. The cop tries to tell her to stop but it's no use.
You'll notice I'm not naming any of these characters. Frankly there's no point. They're all stupid.
Outside it's a whole lot more Southern stereotypes and such. The Cabots want the boy for hurting their boy, the Mom won't give him up and blames the Cabots for all the stuff they did, etc. The cop tries again to calm the Mom down and she gets mad that he's on her about it and not the Cabots for pulling up with guns. And because he shot her son.
At the View, the two waitresses are gushing over Josh Guthrie. The blonde tells Julia to tell him she's busy and can't meet him because she thinks it'll make him want her more. So Julia goes into the bands dressing room and sees Josh without his shirt on and discovers his wings are real.
Yes Julia. The wings on the man's back who can sing with multiple voices by himself are real. He's a MUTANT. Say it. MUTANT. Was this really a surprise? Well yes and we'll get more into that later.
Back at the farm, the cop tries to talk the Mom down and asks her to talk it over with him at dinner. The Cabots get pissed that the cop is taking the Guthrie's side because he has the hots for the Mom and tries to shoot them. A fight breaks out, Warren and Paige taking care of it all. The cop tells the main Cabot to get in the back of his car.
Back at the View we are treated to some of the worst sappy, faux-poetic bull**** dialogue I've ever seen. It's like a 15 year old girl was writing an X-Men fanfic. Turns out Josh and Julia used to hang out at a pond when they were 10 for a couple weeks and then stopped for some reason and NEVER saw each other again despite living in this very small town. They never stopped thinking about each other, yadda yadda. Josh's bandmates are standing right there and they start getting all middle school romantic with each other.
Then Julia's grandmother bursts in. She tells Julia to get away from them and come home. She shouldn't be seeing a Guthrie right now because of what's going on. So then the really stupid part of this issue comes to play. This whole time, Josh and Julia didn't realize they were a Guthrie and a Cabot.
Yeah. Those weeks they spent together when they were 10? Their last names never happened to come up. And the 8 years since then in a small town where their families hate each other with a deadly fury, yeah they never saw each other and didn't know anything about the people in the families they hated. I mean Josh walks around with giant red wings, seduces women, and is a big local hit with his band, but Julia never heard about him until now. My head hurts...
Back at the Guthrie's, the cop and Mom talk. She gives him crap about shooting her son. He tells her way, making all kinds of sense, you know about how her son was shooting freakin laser beams from his eyes, blew up a gas station and his car, wasn't standing down, so in self defense he shot him. She still acts all pissed though. Doesn't help that the cop was acting kind of creepy and trying to demand a date from her.
So Josh and his bandmate are driving along. Josh still pining over Julia. Woe is him. If only she weren't a Cabot. His bandmate makes the other stupidest comment in the entire issue, that Josh has been hiding his wings from his family.
So let me get this straight. Josh is becoming a big hit in town with his band. He openly performs with his wings out and singing with multiple voices, in public, and his family doesn't know?! Heck even if you assume none of them went to one of his shows, SOMEONE is bound to have MENTIONED it to them! And no one at home has seen him with his shirt off since his wings came in? Hell even with his shirt on, no one is like, "Hey Josh. How come the back of your shirt is bulging out like there's something large and feathery sticking out of your back?"
So his bandmate convinces Josh to go fly to Julia. At the Cabots it's revealed the cop is in league with them and was supposed to leave the boy at his home and let the Cabots burn the house to the ground. The Cabots poisoned the Guthrie father but none of the other Guthries died like they were supposed to because they're mutants. But last I checked the Mom wasn't a mutant. And being a mutant doesn't make one immune to poisons unless that's specifically part of your power. And it's not for any of the Guthries. This is stupid. Issue ends with the other X-Men showing up.
What's left to say? The hack Romeo and Juliet story is beyond stupid and childish. This feud between the families is over the top to the point of silliness. This is just badly written, plain and simple.
Uncanny X-Men #439 She Lies With Angels Pt. 3 Writer: Chuck Austen Pencils: Salvador Larroca
As the issue opens we see the cop and the Cabots parked on a hill. The cop is trying to talk the Cabots out of it. They continue making the south and black racism parallels that just seem kinda forced. The cop asks what they're doing there and the Cabot tells him it's a place of power. Cut to ruins where some men in lab coats are pulling out battle armor.
At the Cabot mansion, Julia is pissed at her grandma and brother for making a big deal out of everything when the kid isn't even hurt. She goes to her room and her grandma follows her. Then Julia goes into her sob story about how she always loved Josh and never dreamed he still loved her yadda yadda. The dialogue is REALLY bad. This is what middle school kids THINK high school love is like. Anyway Josh shows up at her window.
At the Guthrie house, Mom is worried about Josh not being home yet. She and Paige talk a bit, her Mom figuring out that Paige is in love with Warren.
In the barn, Archangel, Nightcrawler, Wolverine, and Polaris are in a meeting. Wolverine gives Warren some lip and Warren takes the opportunity to make a heartfelt apology for...being a dick YEARS ago? I mean really, it's actually a nice moment where Warren apologizes for not trusting Wolverine back in the day. But it was back in the day. This isn't a plot point with any kind of relevance. Now if Austen had shown them having tension recently and built up to Warren realizing how stupid he's been all this time it could have been some nice character development. Instead, it's just worthless padding.
So at the ruins, the Cabots have turned into super villains. They put on armor that is apparently left overs from the Church of Humanity. This is just stupid. The Cabots have enough money and knowledge to hire scientists to fix and customize battle armor so they can kill some rival hick family? Really? I mean sure it's a cautionary tale about hate and all that but...man just pay someone to bomb the place. Why go all Golden Age Lex Luthor on them?
Back in Julia's room, we get some more HORRIBLE dialogue as they profess love and worry about their family hate and such. Here's a sample. "Hate is a choice. Love is a gift. An edict. A command. Love doesn't understand names or labels. It doesn't ask permission. It demands obedience. Hate can change. Love cannot." I mean...wait, where'd you all go? The review isn't over yet! Come back! I won't quote any more dialogue, I promise!
Okay I lied. "The more love I give you, the more I feel in return. As if it were infinite in all directions." Again, this is middle school fanfic stuff.
So Warren walks in the house and see Mom still awake. She tells him they need to talk about the X-Men and Paige.
The cop still protests to the Cabots. He tells the cop he's protecting his kids.
Josh tries to get Julia to come with him. She...won't? Wait why? All this horrible dialogue about how you love him >---------THIS-MUCH----------< and you still chicken out because the plot needs conflict? But she even caves on that to tell him she'll meet him tomorrow. So why again? Then her grandma wakes up and tells her to go to him. So why again?
Cabot tells the cop to go back to the jail. They'll use him as an alibi and say they were in jail all night. After they practice with the armor they're going to kill the Guthries.
Julia drives up to the lake and finds Josh. Who is waiting there even though she told him tomorrow, because he KNEW she'd come. They start making out and then the Cabots battle armor arrive.
For the most part this issue just feels like padding. And horrific dialogue. This was the era of padding arcs for trades and it shows with this issue. Not much is accomplished and scenes repeat themselves with little purpose. And it's all capped off by a letter page of people praising Austen. Even one English teacher who praises Draco, calls Austen a great writer, and says how he uses these comics to help teach his students to read. And we wonder why America scores so low in the world for education.
Uncanny X-Men #440 She Lies With Angels Pt. 4 Writer: Chuck Austen Pencils: Salvador Larroca
We open to dawn at the Guthrie house. Warren and Mom have been talking all night but only about the X-Men. Somehow it took hours to explain that, so now they can get to Paige. She confronts him about stringing her along and he says he supposes he can talk to her if anyone. She points out that Paige is NINETEEN and the age difference doesn't matter to her or Paige.
Back with Josh and Julia, Cabot yells at them and Julia figures out it's her Dad.
So Warren starts explaining that the age difference does bother him a little and that when he took her on a mission, she died. He revived her, but it was just luck and that he took "an untrained novice into a dangerous situation because--because I was attracted to her."
Untrained novice? Did you bother doing any research into Husk when you started writing her Austen? What do you think she was doing the whole time at Generation X? Painting her toenails? She's had more training than Warren did when he first became an X-Man. Anyway more nonsense and Paige is eavesdropping.
So Cabot is pissed, disgusted that a mutant would force himself on his daughter. Julia keeps telling him she wanted it. He tells her that's not what they'll say in town. She says she won't lie. He smacks her with his armored hand.
Paige comes in and starts berating Warren. Austen makes sure to point out some more that she's nineteen. She goes outside and Warren follows her. She complains about him not coming to her and telling her how he feels and instead he opens up to her Mom. Then she yells "NO WONDER BETSY STOPPED LOVING YOU!" All the X-Men are outside and it's a moment. And rather than apologize for going too far, Warren just tells her she's right. He admits that Betsy did stop loving him and it's for the best because he needed someone who would stand up to him instead of running away. Someone he could love more than he ever loved her.
Um...way to **** on Betsy fans. So not only was Betsy weak and unable to stand up to Warren about how he treated her, but Warren could fall more in love with a nineteen year old schoolgirl in a couple weeks than he could over years with Betsy. **** you Austen!
So then comes the infamous scene. You guys know what I'm talking about. They start kissing and then Warren flies upwards and Paige's slippers and nightgown fall down upon the X-Men and HER MOM!! Her Mom just walks away saying she does NOT want to see this. Having our heroes disrobe and have sex in front of their mothers. Stay classy, Austen. Stay classy.
So Cabot grabs Joshua and fires a shot point blank into his chest. His kid tells him that Julia is breathing.
Wolverine hears the shot and he and Polaris go investigate. Mom and Kurt go to get everyone up and they discover Ray Junior(the black kid from the beginning of the story) and Senior are still there. Mom and Senior start making out like it's no big thing and they all head outside to find Cop. He sees Mom and Senior holding hands.
Polaris finds the Cabots. She thanks them for wearing metal, to which Cabot says it's carbon composite and fires a missile at her. You'd think she could have FELT with her POWERS that it wasn't metal before he had to tell her. Whatever. Julia wakes up and screams about Josh.
So the Cop gets all pissed about Mom being with a black man and not him. So we're really continuing the black racism? Kurt knocks him out and they see the Cabots coming.
Stupid issue? Yeah stupid issue. This arc is horrendous. Not in the same way as the Draco. The Draco as a basic story had so many plot holes it was ludicrous. This story is horrible because of the characters. They're just so stupid. Not to mention Austen crapping on years of story by making HIS relationship the LOVIEST EVAR!! Not the adult, "I loved Betsy and you, you're just different" mindset. Instead we get, "Yeah I loved that dead weak ***** but my love for you is over 9000!!!"
Uncanny X-Men #441 She Lies With Angels Pt. 5 Writer: Chuck Austen Pencils: Salvador Larroca
We open over the skies of Kentucky where Warren and Paige are making whoopee. Warren is down to his underclothes and Paige is naked. They hear Julia scream and see the Cabots in their armor going for the Guthrie house. Warren decides to look for the scream while Paige husks and leaps onto the Cabots. Now listen to this well written dialogue, as Paige husks into stone on top of Warren right in front of his face. "You're getting really heavy." To which Paige retorts, "I know. That's what happens when I turn to stone!" Zing! That's some snappy banter there! You are such a card, Paige!
She and Kurt fight the Cabots. They blast Paige away and Kurt teleports to avoid a blast. Cabot's two kids stay behind due to injuries and Cabot goes up to Mom, who bears her shotgun on him.
Wolverine finds Lorna. She's a *****. He points out her clothes are ruined and she's showing parts. She says, "Yeah. So?" End scene. That was very important to the plot there folks. And character development? I mean just read that line again. "Yeah. So?" The depths to which Lorna's character goes to deliver such a brief yet poignant line are just breathtaking.
So Julia carries Joshua's apparently dead body into the lake, kisses him, and goes under with him all the way to the bottom.
Ray Sr. and the kids get into the cop car while Mom confronts Cabot. She says she'll do anything as long as he lets them go. He tells her to lick his boots, she bends down and he fires a missile at the cop car. Wait a minute...Kurt teleported away to avoid a blast but...I mean it's been like 2 minutes worth of dialogue while Mom walks right up to the armored lunatic determined to kill them all. The entire time they're talking he could have just shot her in the head and where is Kurt exactly?
Under the lake, Josh heals and wakes up. He carries Julia to the shore, does not attempt CPR, and screams "WHYYYY??!!" to the heavens. Geez. Look at the egg on her face! I mean if she just waited a few minutes before going all emo and committing suicide he'd have been fine.
So the car is blown up, Mom and Cabot talk some more, he's about to blow her head off, when Cop jumps to the rescue. He opens Cabots armor and fires into it. Then the art shows them fall in two different directions. The next panel shows Cop land a good 5 feet away. Then the next panel shows Cop lying under the arm of Cabot and die from being crushed. Wait what?
Mom looks over and sees Kurt with the kids. The words "Good old teleporting Kurt." are uttered awkwardly, and Kurt reveals he couldn't reach Ray Sr. in time. So that whole time Mom and Cabot were squaring off, Kurt was apparently hiding in fear until Cabot finally shot a missile, THEN Kurt decides to do something and doesn't even save everyone? Bad form, man. Bad form.
The other two Cabot boys are hiding in the woods. One wants to just go home and the other wants revenge for their father. Wolverine and Lorna show up and it's hinted that they kill the kids.
Warren arrives at the lake and finds Josh crying over Julia. I'd like to point out that Warren arrives in his full uniform, which means rather than immediately search for Josh and Julia, arriving in time to give CPR(since this concept is foreign and strange to Josh) or bleed on her or something, he decided to STOP AND PICK UP ALL THE PIECES TO HIS UNIFORM THAT WERE SCATTERED ACROSS THE COUNTRYSIDE AFTER HAVING DROPPED THEM WHILE HAVING SKY SEX WITH HIS SCHOOLGIRL GIRLFRIEND. So now Josh is trying to stab himself with a very conveniently shaped piece of wood but complains that he keeps healing.
So the issue wraps up with a narration from Julia. She tells us that drowning is actually peaceful after the initial panic, that people have been known to fight rescuers to keep drowning, that she wants Josh to move on, and that his words and passion will touch everyone but he'll be singing just to her. And the last page shows Josh singing on stage to a bright light from the heavens.
God this arc was horrible. I won't go over it all again, but the Romeo and Juliet rip off plot is horrible. I mean it's been ripped off plenty over the centuries. Many times well done. This is not one of them. Their relationship is painful to read. The dialogue is childish. Julia's suicide scene has no feeling. Josh's would except the first panel showing Warren show up fully clothed kinda ruins the whole thing. And to top it all off Julia's ending narration makes it seem like it was no big deal that she died! She's all, "It was actually pretty peaceful and he'll move on but will always be singing to me. So young impressionable teenagers who are reading this comic, when your high school relationship that feels like it's the most important thing in the world in all of history that you can't live without ends, suicide is totally cool. It's peaceful and people will always remember you and it's dramatic so you have Julia Cabot's seal of approval!"
Austen you ****ing hack!
Uncanny X-Men #442 Of Darkest Nights Pt. 1 Writer: Chuck Austen Pencils: Salvador Larroca
So this issue takes place after the climactic events in Morrison's New X-Men. To sum up, "Magneto" took over NYC, killed a lot of people, killed Jean Grey, and was decapitated by Wolverine, who took his Quickening.
This issue opens over the Indian Ocean. Xavier and Wolverine are in a jet with "Magneto's" body. Xavier keeps trying to get Wolverine to tell him what's on his mind. The jet lands in Genosha. They get off with the coffin and Nick Fury gives Xavier attitude. He thinks it's an insult to humanity to treat "Magneto" with any respect after what he did. Fury then tells Xavier that his orders were to take them to Genosha. Nothing was said about taking them home. So he leaves.
In NYC, Juggernaut, She-Hulk, and Emma Frost are clearing debris to get to a trapped woman. Cain asks where Nightcrawler is, to which Emma says, "For the third time, Cain. He is in midtown helping find people trapped in a subway collapse." So Emma really had to tell Cain three times that Kurt wasn't there? This truly is realistic dialogue and not lazy exposition! She-Hulk pulls the woman out but she's dead.
On Genosha, Xavier tries to give "Magneto's" eulogy and Wolverine keeps interrupting him. They start to argue. It's all pretty obvious stuff really. No need to go over it. Wolverine kicks the coffin over and puts his boot over "Magneto's" head. Granted he's in a body bag, but the head seems to be awfully attached to the body. I guess the coroner sewed it back on. Some of the Genoshans come up and threaten Wolverine.
At the Avengers Mansion, Polaris is sitting with Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver. Wanda and Pietro go on and on about how horrible it is to have Magneto as a father. What a coincidental topic of conversation with the half sister you didn't know you had! Lorna even gets to be cute with her "I can relate" jibes before finally telling them she's their sister.
Back in Genosha, Wolverine is fighting the other mutants and Xavier tries to stop them. The argument between Xavier and Wolverine continues on and on and it's really just not interesting. Wolverine suddenly climbs the rather large Magneto statue, yet continues shouting at Xavier at the bottom who could never hear him. Then he stabs the head with his claws and slides down, cutting the entire giant statue in half and toppling it.
The statue is over 100 feet tall and who knows how thick. Well I know it's thicker than the ONE FOOT length of Wolverine's claws. How the blazes does he cut through the entire statue with one foot claws?
Anyway he gets up, Toad attacks him, Wolverine cuts Toad's tongue in half, and then Wanda, Pietro, and Lorna show up. How they got there from NYC in a matter of minutes is beyond me. Lorna says she's going to play devil's advocate.
This issue is pretty dull. The arguments between Xavier and Fury/Wolverine are so obvious and boring. Heck how many times has Xavier continued to give Magneto respect after what he's done? It's nothing new.
Uncanny X-Men #443 Of Darkest Nights Pt. 2 Writer: Chuck Austen Pencils: Salvador Larroca
There's not much to summarize with this issue. The bulk of it is Polaris and Xavier arguing about the same old Magneto/Xavier argument. Pretty much Lorna takes Magneto's side and gets Xavier angry enough that he finally realizes how wrong he's been defending Magneto. Polaris then attacks him, screaming about how they killed Synch and Skin. Um...when did she even meet Synch and Skin, let alone care about them?
Lorna holds Logan back and smacks Quicksilver with some debris. Then she actually stares down Wanda. She says she'll "make you go away" and Wanda just stands down. Really? So Lorna turns back to Xavier and tells him he'll die unless he kills her. He refuses. This...makes no sense. Xavier could just take control of her mind. Why would he need to kill her? She doesn't have any fancy helmets like Magneto. Xavier can stop her with a thought, peacefully and safely. This completely ruins the point of the scene.
Since he refuses to fight, Lorna lets him go and starts crying. She doesn't want to kill him, she wants him to fight for them and for himself. Finally she erects a huge statue to both him and Magneto. She leaves, Wanda, Pietro, and Logan go with her, and Xavier stays behind with "Magneto's" corpse.
So that ends Austen's run on Uncanny X-Men. Not with a bang, but a whimper. Thank you guys who have followed these topics this whole time. Sorry it's been so long between updates. The idea was great when it started but my life right now is so busy. I considered moving on to his run on New X-Men but I think I'll hold off for now. If anyone else wants to go ahead.
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Post by Drake on Dec 7, 2014 21:18:00 GMT -5
This has definitely been fun to read.
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Post by All Star Silentking on Dec 7, 2014 22:10:54 GMT -5
Chuck's run on Avengers?
Save the Superman run for the finale.
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