First Impression:By first impression this is just what I'm thinking before I've even started reading Chapter One, where all I've seen is the claims list and whatever you've said about the title in other threads.
Just looking at the claims list this seems like an odd roster. When I think Thunderbolts I think of reformed villains now doing good, or at least "reformed" villains now doing "good." Now sure how this group will work together. I guess if nothing else you have Red Hulk for the name. After a bit of research I guess it does resemble at least one incarnation of the team, though it does bring up another concern.
You said that at least one reason you canceled Toxin was that you felt that our site didn't have a developed Spider-verse enough for a Toxin title. I really liked what I read of Toxin, but I think you made the right choice in choosing to develop another title and build the universe first. Then you go straight to Thunderbolts. That kind of boggles my mind. It seems like a title that needs even more of a foundation that Toxin did to work. I guess if nothing else it's a unique way of introducing Hulk, but the choice still confuses me, especially with Toxin being canceled to develop the universe first.
#1:Now that you've established that these are supposed to be a team for the government as opposed to SHIELD or simply an independent team, this roster makes even less sense.
Okay, Ross is perfect to lead such a team, but after that...
Deadpool would certainly take a government contract, but no one in their right mind would hire him, as he's an insane loose cannon in every sense of the extreme.
Ghost Rider is possessed by a vengeance demon, and I sincerely doubt that the government has the knowledge or means to keep a potential demonic rampage in check.
Punisher is by definition a vigilante who will kill first, then shoot, then kill, then shoot some more, and then maybe ask questions like who to shoot next. Even for a team the government expects to be mostly killing targets, if the government tells this team to ever protect or recruit anyone questionable (as governments are wanton to do) Punisher would murder them without a second thought before anyone could stop him. I guess Deadpool and Ghost Rider might fall into the unkillable category at least. This all seems like the absolute last people the government would hire for this sort of thing. The very bottom of the barrel, and no one seems that desparate.
The government bits and the scenes with Ross going over the dossier feel off, especially when you describe Punisher "He's just a man with a gun... and a vengeance." sounds like the tag line to an action figure or 90's cartoon, not something an actual person, much less a government official, would say.
In contrast, the vignettes with the three individual characters are very,
very well done. Wonderful, colorful introductions for all three characters where they all get to do their thing and do what they do best. The only thing I noticed was that you didn't claim Mephisto yet you went out of your way to name-drop him in Ghost Rider's part. This is especially weird since you had room for Mephisto in your initial claims list, so I don't know what's going on there. If you told me the series was going to be nothing but these style of stories you'd have me hooked.
As it is, though, the idea of these guys being introduced to our universe as teaming up still leaves me skeptical.
I really would've appreciated it if you'd asked before you used Captain America's Super Soldier Serum as a plot element. I don't think this technically contradicts anything I have/have planned but I would have at least appreciated the heads-up.
#2Is how I originally read this. It's so...
campy. And General "Thunderbolt" Ross does not strike me as camp.
Deadpool part was funny and dead-on Deadpool, (though again you use Weapon X without claiming it when I don't think it's been established that it's ever existed in this universe).
Why are they
walking to the enemy base? They have the support of the U.S. government! Get a jeep or something! Ghost Rider has a motorcycle, hence the Ghost
Rider bit. Punisher has a van. They don't seem to be trying for stealth, so there's no reason for them to walk all the way to the base unless Deadpool's grinding random encounters to level or something.
Not sure why Ross is interested in how
good these people are. He goes out of his way to hire Deadpool, Ghost Rider, and Punisher and then is personally questioning them about how
good and
patriotic they are or trying to convince them they're
good and fighting for
dreams and stuff. I was starting to believe the idea that this might be just a black budget team of mercenaries to get the dirty jobs done, but if General Ross is so interested in his recruits for their heroic qualities why would he even recruit these particular people in the first place? Arguments can maybe be made for Ghost Rider, but Deadpool and Punisher are unrepentant killers.
Since when does the Super-Soldier Serum grant super intelligence? Since when does Captain America have super intelligence? Am I now supposed to write Captain America as a super genius? Or that Steve Rogers was an idiot before the serum? Do I now have to give Captain America Hulk-level strength and speed? This is the kind of thing I think I should have a say in before you write stuff like this.
I'm not sure why Ross wants Betty so bad on the team. Not in the hold of the Leader, sure, but on a team with those three? I'd think he'd want her either free or at least in some kind of protective custody or special hospital or something, not fighting threats on his own.
#3The $(*&% speak is really getting on my nerves at this point. I don't think anyone's expecting this to be a G-rated title. The censoring is just getting ridiculous at this point.
The intro is good. Similar to the vignettes from Chapter 1. Decent introductions to the villain team.
As for the main team, the banter goes on for a long time. A
long time. In shorter bursts it might be funny, even dramatic for when the character development stuff happens. But in these kinds of quantities it just seems to go on forever, with mood whiplash like Deadpool's "IāM SO RANDOM LAUGH AT ME!" followed by "I had cancer feel bad for me" or Punisher's "Shut up I'm better than you" followed by "why am I here if I have no powers woe is me"
There are a few missteps which take me out of the fight itself:
- General Ross's random burst of patriotism doesn't seem like it would do anything but elicit eyerolls and 'whatevers' from this team.
- Normally I like the Shounen trope of every member of a team pairing off against the villain team members, but here it just seems forced. There doesn't even seem to be any reason for the pairings, since the bad guy team seems to be "strong goon", "strong goon", and "strong girl".
- Your pacing's way off, quickly cutting between fights so fast it's like I'm channel surfing with scene breaks in odd places. My recommendation would be to focus on one fight at a time unless they really are supposed to be working together
Punisher's constant angsty self-loathing for not having any superpowers is quickly making him more annoying than Deadpool for me, and that's saying something.
#4:I haven't read number four yet. I was typing this just as you posted the last chapter. Sorry.
It really feels like you're rushing these. I'm not talking about spelling/grammar which is fine as far I can see, I'm talking about adding descriptions and pacing and helping your story really flow instead of quickly moving through the scenes as fast as possible. Take some more time to see what you can do to improve the scenes. For character development, I suggest finding a way to have a scene with just two of your characters at a time, and show us how they interact with each other on a personal level. Really convince us that this team has a dynamic with each other. For the fight scenes, try to focus on just one fight scene at a time. Otherwise the reader feels like they're getting punched back and forth between scenes. Also, something I've found helped make fight scenes more unique, try to make your environments in fights more diverse. Have one group fight in a hangar moving around planes and vehicles and explosive fuel barrels. Have another group fight in the bad guy's laboratory. Have another fight in the console room. That sort of thing. It will give you more opportunities for something interesting to happen in fights.
As a side note, you mentioned that your Toxin issue plummeted, but I think your one issue of Toxin was much better than anything you've written for Thunderbolts. And by far the best parts of Thunderbolts were the solo vignettes from the first chapter. I can understand the allure of a team title, but I disagree with your self-assessment.