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Post by SpiritofPengeance on Aug 31, 2015 16:51:58 GMT -5
It's Up! Issue #1 Potential is up and with it X-Force begins. The main team-up will consist of the characters introduced to the team in this chapter, that is Agent Zero, Warpath, Wolf Cub, Boom Boom, Cannonball, Blink and Pete Wisdom. I'm open to all suggestions and/or critiques that can help to improve my writing so if there's something wrong tell me and I'll work on fixing it. Happy reading.
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Post by Stardrifter on Aug 31, 2015 17:23:29 GMT -5
I haven't read it yet, but it's kinda sad there's no Cable. I hope you make up for it with ridiculous shoulder pads, pouches, and giant unwieldy guns.
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Post by Drake on Aug 31, 2015 19:37:02 GMT -5
You double posted. Reviewing now.
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Post by Drake on Aug 31, 2015 20:21:01 GMT -5
I'm excited to get to this! Just jotting down notes as I read, because that's the easiest thing for me to do. -Opening scene starts out the issue well. It establishes the basic plot and some important characters. It's clear you proof read this well. -A bit of unneeded telling instead of showing, but not too bad. -I love the reference to my one shot!! -Scene 2, more telling. To be expected for an issue #1. It's still something to work on. -I like Tabitha. I was moderately entertained in a "this is fun but totally cliche" way that Pete tested her by trying to kill her. -Sam's missing his accent. Not necessarily negative, but I'd love if you fit in some 'ah's instead of 'I's, etc. -Good transitions. Helps the flow of the issue. Speaking of, it reads well. -So much telling in the Ferguson scene. Show her fighting people off or something. You're trying to do a lot, so I get it, but there's a reason people write origin/assembling arcs, not issues nowadays. -Welp, Cleveland is awful for mutants. Most of it is believable, but the cop spontaneously deciding to kill Nick was weird. You need more of a reason, a situation to make him incredibly panicked, like you see in my one shot's opening scene. -Pete punching the cop was nice, but I'm noticing a lack of charisma in his character that's needed. Pete's a stud and he knows it. He's like 007, like you mentioned, but you're not showing it. Goes back to the telling not showing. -I love the fast pace, but you could slow it down just a tad to develop the characters. -Nitpick, but they all thought the same thing? That it might be a test pitting them against each other? That's odd. I'm surprised nervous anxiety or thoughts of how hot Tabitha is weren't racing through one of their heads. -Something I'm just realizing now is you actually gave decent explanations for why they'd go with Pete. Nice job with that. -The last scene was the best yet, not only because it helped establish a plot moving forward, but had a lot of showing (even if that showing was in character interactions). Really well written! Overall, I enjoyed it. I figure the second issue will be better once you get over the issue 1 hoops. 7.25/10. That's a pretty good in my book, and I can't wait for the next!
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Post by adrini on Aug 31, 2015 20:43:32 GMT -5
I haven't read it yet, but it's kinda sad there's no Cable. I hope you make up for it with ridiculous shoulder pads, pouches, and giant unwieldy guns. Cable can be shared in future. But I think this story needs to get established first. Once that is done I would be happy to work with the world. For future reference I will share as I can to help people out, ask if you have an idea. I'll try to make room as much as I can. As per the chapter. -The recruitment scenes were thin. Joining a major military organization is a major life choice. Also they would be read the riot act before being asked to sign. It's more of a process. -I like the mutant theme of bring treated as untrustworthy second class citizens. X-men have rejected it outright, x-factor are fighting it and this one is dealing with it to. As a world theme that a really good group sample. -The threat of jail and such is fitting, but under constraints like that I do expect a level of frustration and impatience. They were free citizens. Now they are governmental experiments. That's going to chafe. The writing isn't bad, just needs polishing and experience. So keep writing. Also, and you are under no obligation use this, there are rumers of X-Factor running rampant. So the idea of an all mutant team wouldn't be new. Now they are all denied, but it's something to have fun with. But by all means, keep them coming.
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Post by Drake on Aug 31, 2015 21:24:58 GMT -5
FYI, adrini comes from a serious military family, so she knows what she's talking about,
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Post by adrini on Aug 31, 2015 21:31:37 GMT -5
Every war since the French and Indian. Lots of dead people.
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Post by SpiritofPengeance on Sept 1, 2015 1:46:40 GMT -5
I know next to nothing about the about the army so I'll use any advice you give me on that. About Sam's accent I'm pretty lousy with writing them so I'll give it try over the next few issues but it come off as a bit weird. I actually had an assembly arc planned but when I had a ton of trouble writing one issue for it I decided against it. Origins are my weakest point and I know that so I think that my next arcs should be better. I was going to mention it when I put this thread up but I have never written any of these characters before. I actually got to about the halfway mark when I realized that I had no ideas if these characters acted this way so I did some study. The punch scene I wrote directly after watching Suits and Harvey punching people so I threw it in. And I actually had Cable in my original plan but I saw that he was claimed so it would definitely be cool if we could work something out with him in the future (pun originally unintended). And I'll fix the double post thing but I left my computer after clicking post and when I cam back it looked empty so that is more annoying then when I thought it had deleted. Damn computers
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Post by adrini on Sept 1, 2015 9:32:46 GMT -5
Absolutely. Like I said, find your voice and get there in your world. Cable will be there. I just want to give you s chance to get in continuity and all that.
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Post by Stardrifter on Sept 1, 2015 18:52:55 GMT -5
I just brought up Cable because, in my mind, X-Force is and will always be Cable. Just like Xavier is the X-Men or Cap is the Avengers. Sure there are plenty of times those teams are without them, but you can't think of one without the other.
As for the issue, it was pretty good. There were some missing words here and there. Some overused words. Some awkward phrasing. Nothing too horrible but it could use another proofread.
I like the premise I agree it felt a little rushed. I know you wanted to get them all together quick but I would have liked some more time with the characters, to get to know them.
Lastly, I'm not sure I like a second X-Team being a government team. I suppose it works since X-Factor were SHIELD run and this team is US run, making them more beholden to American interests. I hope you work things out to have some crossovers with the other teams. Seems a perfect recipe for the "heroes fight heroes" trope. Keep em coming.
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Post by boxofspiders on Sept 1, 2015 19:52:24 GMT -5
I have to echo a lot of what everyone is saying.
The recruitment scenes... It's very X-Men. Whether it's true or not, I always think of Professor X going around and inviting recruits to join the X-Men in person when I think of X-Men. However, they rarely payoff. I get the appeal of that style, but I don't think there's ever a situation of it not being there and me wishing it was. I generally tend to gravitate towards the idea that it's better to spend time developing a couple characters than doing shallow development on eight.
If this had been your opening arc and played kind of like a globe trotting heist movie, I think it could have worked really well.
That's not to say it didn't work on some level. While I didn't like some of your choices in how you told the story, I like the story you told. I think this feels like a title that really fits the X-Force name, so I'm interested to see what comes next.
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Post by thejellyfish on Sept 3, 2015 18:53:34 GMT -5
It could be better. A lot of telling, not enough showing. I had trouble with that too, it gets easier. Some grammar here and there but nothing that took me out of the story.
It'll be interesting to see how Gyrich affects this title and how there being two government run mutant teams will go for this site (although that second bit may be in contention, as adrini and I have to do our crossover). I'm looking forward to more.
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