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Post by thetrueelec on Sept 5, 2014 21:03:16 GMT -5
I don't mind her being a villain, just that her opening scene was her losing her cool which I don't see Emma doing often. Though I understand why she did in this case so again this isn't an actual complaint.
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Post by adrini on Sept 5, 2014 21:13:55 GMT -5
Ah. Then rest assured, she will kick ass in future. I understand now.
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Post by adrini on Sept 30, 2014 19:08:50 GMT -5
Haha! I did it! Take that exams!
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Post by Drake on Sept 30, 2014 19:48:39 GMT -5
First off (really just because the ending was naturally the last thing I read), Pietro and Wanda bugging Jean while she's hurt during a full-on psychic invasion just felt....silly. It makes them come off as stupid or spoiled. I dunno. Also, I'm missing some of Pietro's charming asshole-ishness. He needs a little more flavor.
It's AU, so it doesn't really matter, but Logan's supposed to be short, not tall, with the exception of the movies. I just had to say that.
Why doesn't Emma take down everyone after she beats out Jean? How's anyone in control? I get Logan, because of his natural anti-psychic defenses, but Scott, Maria, and Jubes should be down and out unless I missed something.
The good. I'm liking Jean a little more. It's clear you have fun writing her. Also, was that the Danger Room? It wasn't clear, but it's interesting if both Xavier and SHIELD have one. Wonder if there's a connection.....
Emma kicking ass and rocking SHIELD's shit like nobody's business is just awesome! Nice job making her clearly and deservedly Alpha (if not Omega) level.
7.5/10
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Post by adrini on Sept 30, 2014 20:26:33 GMT -5
I wasn't as clear as I wanted to be, that's on me. The twins are, in the process of recovering, clinging to the prospect of revenge. After the hell they went through they are rather self centered, people in pain can be.And to be fair Jean has been there. She gets it.
I remembered logan as tall for some reason. Easily fixed, and thanks for the heads, up.
Emma's trying to avoid pissing off Raven, so she's limiting her attack. Plus she doesn't really want to hurt the others (though nothing against it) she wants jean. Throwing goons at them is a good distraction.
But glad you liked it!
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Post by adrini on Oct 30, 2014 22:09:21 GMT -5
chapter 5 up!
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Post by thetrueelec on Oct 31, 2014 7:43:02 GMT -5
So this started off good with explaining why the fight ended so quickly last issue, which made no sense to me then, and even the first secen with Fury and seeing everybody reacting to jean's almost death was good. Then we got timeskips of indeterminate length, a training sequence we only hear about and finally a mission to a highly important building with no guards. The latter makes the least sense as even if it had no guards before it should have them now as the Hellfire Club should be expecting retaliation. Also i don't like doing this but Fury's line of 'You're enemies' really should be your enemies because currently it's just confusing.
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Post by adrini on Oct 31, 2014 10:20:54 GMT -5
I always miss something, even something stupid. Thanks for the catch.
The hellfire club wasn't expecting them, they honestly thought the team was in the dark. No more.
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Post by Drake on Oct 31, 2014 22:22:25 GMT -5
This was a pretty cool issue. It certainly jumped around a bit, but I followed it. I'm getting a better feel for all the characters and I like how you're developing the Hellfire Club as a threat. Good job all around. This continues to be my favorite of your titles.
Few bads. Again, it's Rogue not Rouge. Sorry, but it drives me nuts. Second, everyone's growing a little too close a little too fast, particularly in Wanda and Pietro's case. Lastly, Pietro doesn't sound like Pietro at all. Even the DoFP movie Pietro had some spirit that reminded me of the speedster I know and love. He should be WAY more of an ass, and WAY funnier. That's just my two cents, though. Maybe read a little something with him. I don't know.
8.2/10
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Post by Drake on Oct 31, 2014 22:24:24 GMT -5
Oh, and YOU'RE IN CONTINUITY! HELL YEAH!
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Post by adrini on Oct 31, 2014 22:32:07 GMT -5
Yay! I exist!
When I write "asshole" characters I like giving them a pressure valve, someone they DON'T have to wear the mask around. Now they are perfect little pricks to anyone else but they still have an out if something really important comes up and they need to be taken seriously. Little prick Peitro is coming, but he found his valve first. You'll like the scenes to come.
Will proof read closer. Rush to get this one up.
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Post by Drake on Oct 31, 2014 22:35:43 GMT -5
Good to know all around
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Post by Stardrifter on Nov 12, 2014 18:34:44 GMT -5
Not bad. I'm a little torn on the amount of SHIELD so far. On the one hand, it's kinda cool to see SHIELD even involved in mutant affairs. On the other hand, SHIELD is kinda feeling a bit overbearing. Of course you could just be setting up for the dramatic moment when the team throws off their SHIELD shackles and strikes out on their own.
Anyway, I like it so far. I won't nitpick since its been mostly covered. Keep em coming.
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Post by adrini on Nov 12, 2014 19:12:02 GMT -5
They're relationship with SHIELD come into play in time, but for now they are a branch of the orginzation so they would be hard to avoid. Glad you liked it!
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Post by Drake on Dec 17, 2014 22:17:46 GMT -5
Missed this my first scroll through. Again, I'd recommend at least posting something in the chat box.
I like how the plot's developing. It's a slow issue, but that was needed after all the action. I'm glad Scott and Jean got married! Any happy moment is a good moment.
Some critiques. This issue had an unusual amount of grammar errors for you. I'm not sure you put in the proper time beta'ing it.
I want to preface this next critique by saying I love this title, but I do have a few major problems with it. For one, everyone gets along way too well. Even Nick Fury and Quicksilver, historical loners, like just about every one of the good guys. Honestly, at least for QS (who has a special place in my heart), it's starting to get on my nerves. I'm not a fan of this depiction of him. HOWEVER, (potential SPOILERS) you hinted at Jean maybe mind controlling them to get along. If that's true, then I take everything back because that has great dramatic potential.
I'm not going to lie. The villains steal the show for me, just because they're so wonderfully evil and they don't get along. Conflict is good. It's what drives stories. External conflict can't keep the boat floating forever.
7/10
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Post by DiscipleofBob on Dec 17, 2014 22:22:10 GMT -5
I did a brief proofread of the chapter this morning, though admittedly I mostly only fixed homonyms and increasingly creative spellings of Piotr and Pietro. I also didn't see that many grammar mistakes. I guess any that you find are on my head then.
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Post by Drake on Dec 17, 2014 22:25:03 GMT -5
I did a brief proofread of the chapter this morning, though admittedly I mostly only fixed homonyms and increasingly creative spellings of Piotr and Pietro. I also didn't see that many grammar mistakes. I guess any that you find are on my head then. Fair enough. I'll blame you then ;P
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Post by Stardrifter on Dec 21, 2014 14:13:56 GMT -5
A good issue. I agree with Drake that there's room for some dissenting opinions amongst the heroes at least. Unless there's the possible spoiler going on.
I don't know if you intended to make the heroes seem a bit dubious, but if so I like it. Even though it was mostly set up, I enjoyed the escalation on both sides. It's clear things are going to explode soon. And it was nice seeing Emma at least try to do convince Bobby instead of controlling him right off the bat.
Keep em coming.
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Post by thetrueelec on Dec 23, 2014 20:07:09 GMT -5
I'm going to echo what's been said about character interactions, this is a really big cast and they all get along really well and that, to me, is incredibly boring.
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Post by adrini on Feb 1, 2015 3:11:32 GMT -5
Chapter 7 up.
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Post by Stardrifter on Feb 2, 2015 17:46:42 GMT -5
I don't know if it was because you were in a rush or not, but the spacing for this issue was all off and you had some weird phrasing and lack of punctuation at times. Just think it needs a once over since it's not like you.
Some interesting bits. Surprised you're bringing the kids in so soon. The Summers family tree is a complex one. Keep em coming.
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Post by adrini on Feb 2, 2015 17:48:46 GMT -5
Working with a new word processing program. I'm not used to it yet. I was told it's better but so far it's just odd.
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Post by thejellyfish on Feb 2, 2015 18:26:03 GMT -5
I'm definitely surprised, but I'm not sure if I should be impressed or shocked that Wolverine hasn't appeared all that much yet. There's a few characters that haven't appeared as much as I thought they would, in fact.
Regardless, this was a good issue, I like what's happening and the way you're developing this Jean plot line is intriguing.
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Post by adrini on Feb 2, 2015 18:58:50 GMT -5
He's been borrowed for the time being.
And thanks for the review!
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Post by Drake on Feb 3, 2015 18:38:47 GMT -5
#7 was pretty good. I like that you confirmed the Jean plot twist. Nice job not holding that back for too long. Something I will say is I think you're getting too big too fast. I've yet to get attached to anyone beyond Scott, Jean, and maybe Rogue and Jubilee, and you're introducing two more major heroes. I mean, I love me some Cable and Rachel Grey, but it seems like too much for now at least.
Not much else to say. This issue was far from bad, but nothing really caught me by surprise or got me excited for what's next. The big reveal/plot twist/etc. with the future kids was...well, I think it's rushed. We barely know the cast and you're introducing two of the main characters' kids from the future.
7.5/10
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Post by adrini on Mar 2, 2015 18:30:43 GMT -5
Chapter up. Bad guys next time (taking turns). Also sorry for the delay. My processor kept getting hungry.
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Post by Drake on Mar 4, 2015 18:38:56 GMT -5
Doing these thoughts as I read it.
-Weird spacing. Tripled-spaced or something like it. -Pietro's an ass! Yay! Hopefully he's clever and funny now too. -Scott has red hair? I always thought he was a brunet and I could understand auburn. ....Red, though? Is that a typo? -Scenes skip without spacer. Disoriented me. -Spacer after second scene. Guess it was just the first. -Wait, wait, wait, X-Factor AND the Xavier School both have Danger Rooms? And they named them the same thing? You've got to explain that connection. -I guess I missed and/or forgot that Jean was losing control of her powers? So her ruthlessly mind controlling teammates wasn't on purpose? If so...damn. The conflict isn't so conflicting. -It's Mystique not Mystic
This was an okay issue. Not much happened. I liked getting to see more of Pietro and Wanda. I really hope we get some more conflict between team members. As I've said before, a perfect team is boring. Conflict drives stories. Maybe Pietro will bring that spark.
7/10
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Post by Drake on Mar 4, 2015 18:40:18 GMT -5
Also, I REALLY hope Pietro and Wanda can one day join the Avengers. That's where I think they're best.
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Post by adrini on Mar 4, 2015 20:58:45 GMT -5
Spacing - I know. It's an issue. I've been trying to deal with it. Word has not been my friend.
Scott-typo. Third time rewriting scene and missed it. Have I mentioned word is not helping?
Danger room - Room of danger? It's not a connection, just a logical name. If it would help I can change it to "Training room" or something. I'm easy there.
Jean's control - I alluded to that in the last issue and fleshed it out here. Her 'control' of the others is on orders but also needs to be tightly controlled. Which is getting harder now.
Pietro will rock the boat. So will the increasing loss of control. And other things.
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Post by Stardrifter on Mar 22, 2015 7:58:21 GMT -5
Yeah this entire issue had issues with spelling, typos, and layout. It was really distracting and took me out of the story.
I liked the characterization of Pietro. Wanda was a bit subdued and doesn't have much to do yet, but it's clearly the way they interact. Hopefully she gets away from her brother for a bit and shines through soon.
I'd also like to see more focus on some other characters. Scott and Jean are clearly the focus of the series, which is fine, but as a fan of characters like Colossus and Jubilee, I'd really like to see them get some spotlight. An arc or even an issue where someone else takes center stage.
Keep em coming.
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