|
Post by adrini on Dec 14, 2015 17:39:56 GMT -5
Chapter 15 up.
|
|
|
Post by Drake on Dec 18, 2015 14:52:10 GMT -5
Reviewing as I go along...
-"Bamfing" is the cheeky term used for Nightcrawler's teleportation, not "poofing," as BAMF! is the sound made when he teleports. Not even a critique. Just thought you should know. -I really like the heroes' entrance. -Heyyyy! Scott checking on Pietro! You're using the relationship I established! Nice nod. I like this chapter already. -You have a solid handling of Storm's voice. -Wait, when did they start working for SHIELD again? I know Hill was going to bring them "home" but you're definitely missing a scene there. Since when did the mutants trust SHIELD and want to return, anyway? -This chapter is littered with grammar or spelling errors that could have been easily fixed with another read through. -That's it! I knew something had been bugging me! This is a story about mutants, and yet most of them never struggle with their abilities. They never seem like curses, which is extremely un-Marvel (see: every Stan Lee comic ever). Skye immediately clicks with her abilities. Scott's never upset about the rose-colored lenses he sees everything with (pun intended). Jean does struggle some--in fact it's a plot point--but none of the others do. I suppose Wanda does a little. Pietro doesn't necessarily have to because of his abilities, nor do the experts like Colossus, Storm, or Nightcrawler, but certainly most of the kids should IMHO. -Random thought, but where are Angel, Iceman, and the other major mutants you've claimed but not used much? It just feels like a disservice that they don't play a decent role when they're so iconic and important to the mythos. I honestly don't know why you claimed them when you could've claimed D-listers like Maggot or Marrow. -Nightcrawler's accent is MUCH better. Well done. -Oooooh. Emma Frost mystery! I like it! -I like the scene with Scott talking Pietro and Skye down. That conflict was much needed. Again, well done. -SHIELD is a....family? What? I get family is a big deal in your stories, but gigantic organizations (especially spy ones) tend to not be tight knit except in individual squadrons, 'cause, y'know, they're enormous. I mean, I guess soldiers have that automatic bond of being at war together, but calling SHIELD a "family" seems a bit much. X-Factor? I could buy that, but Fury's team certainly doesn't seem like a family. -Alex is an odd choice, considering repeat powers with Scott and the fact that he's young. I'd think Colossus would be a better choice, because he usually looks normal, but I trust you guys. -Wait, what the hell just happened with Rachel and Jean? Damn, that's a good cliffhanger. Emotional and mysterious.
8/10
|
|
|
Post by thetrueelec on Dec 22, 2015 5:27:35 GMT -5
So I read issue 9 and 10 and I don't have much more to add except I didn't get what happened with Jean in chatper 10, until he showed up at the end I'd forgotten Piotr was a part of this series, and the reveal at then end was easily the most interesting thing that's happened in the title so far.
Now I'm starting issue 11 and I have to wonder, do people still say 'no dice?' Since you bought it up again it got me thinking as to why Alex knows that Jean is messing with the minds of the junior agents, it seems very much like a need to know thing that someone who joined the team like a month ago tops probably doesn't need to know, then again he told Skye so presumably this is just a thing everybody knows and is ok with which is weird. Also I'm glad the X-Factor VS SHIELD plot is starting because I'd just realised the Hellfire club VS X-Factor wasn't including anyone from X-Factor.
|
|
|
Post by adrini on Feb 9, 2016 0:02:40 GMT -5
Chapter up.
|
|
|
Post by Drake on Feb 10, 2016 16:30:22 GMT -5
Total nitpick, but "sink" for "think" for Nightcrawler's dialogue was weird. Overall, though, you've got a good handle on it.
Fitz and Simmons not reading the files was a little unbelievable. They're adults working in one of the most important organizations in the world; act like it. Otherwise, I'm sure there are hundreds of people they can replace them with.
Piotr's speech was wonderful, and the most characterization we've seen out of him. This is certainly a very cynical take on the character, but I like it.
This is out of order, but the latter half of the bureaucracy scene was confusing. I get the Thai food thing, but the rest could have used more description. To be honest, there was no lead in. It just happened. I've noticed you jump around scenes a lot. I'd make sure to have more direct connections between them in the future. It doesn't happen all the time, but when it does it really throws me.
The last scene was another example of this, but there's a 50-50 chance it's just because I'm really, really, really tired.
8/10
|
|
|
Post by DiscipleofBob on Feb 10, 2016 17:07:33 GMT -5
For the record, I was the one who changed that particular piece of Nightcrawler's dialogue. That's how think sounds in a German accent, at least in my head.
I was also leery about Fitz and Simmons not reading the full file, but it helped set the scene and it is the type of mistake that younger agents might make, especially if they've been working long enough to start cutting the occasional corner. Would it make more sense and be more in character for them to have read the file? Sure. But then the whole scene would have to have been changed, so I think it's a brief, acceptable deviation.
|
|
|
Post by adrini on Apr 26, 2016 22:52:26 GMT -5
Chapter up.
|
|
|
Post by Drake on May 16, 2016 15:42:19 GMT -5
Sorry for how late I am getting to this.
-The "Shaw and Sinister" heart line at the start was an abrupt opening, and not the type you can follow. I was as lost as Hill. -This is a recurring critique; it's Mystique, not Mystic. -Mystique wanting to be by Rogue's side was sweet. -It takes away from the intensity of the stealth scene if you simply say what everyone did, as opposed to showing it as they do it. To clarify, you need to build the scene in your writing, spending a couple paragraphs on each member as they do their thing. It should be a process, not a checklist. Avoid just saying "Jubilee took out the cameras; Skye beat up guards, etc." -You also don't describe much of how the building is built, so it's difficult to imagine anything. Even a basic "casino" or something would have cleared up a lot. All I got was there were multiple floors and a back entrance. -Skye yells "they know we're here" without us finding out why. -"Black" and "tan" don't really cut it for character introductions. I have no idea who they are. -Wait, where are Scott, Rogue and Jean? A church? What? -If you're referencing Emma Frost when you say "White Lady" you should know traditionally she's the White Queen. Not a critique, just pointing it out if that's what you're going for. If not, and it's a new name or a reference to something other than her role in the Hellfire Club, ignore me.
Overall 6.8/10. The character moments were pretty good, but this issue just felt kinda rushed.
|
|