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Post by adrini on May 29, 2014 20:54:45 GMT -5
Same verse as the first. Reviews and the like here.
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Post by Stardrifter on May 29, 2014 22:52:06 GMT -5
All right! First review to me! Let's see what you've got.
Saving the world from itself, one person at a time.
Interesting subtitle. Kind of a cynical view, seeing ourselves as the enemy.
I enjoy your board's cleanliness. The emptiness keeps things tidy and makes one contemplate the emptiness of their own soul. I spent nearly 15 seconds staring at the emptiness and I may have become one with the world. Or maybe I fell asleep. I don't know...
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Post by adrini on May 29, 2014 23:00:33 GMT -5
I've been hair brained as of late so I put it up when I remembered to. Trying to think ahead.
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Post by Stardrifter on May 29, 2014 23:14:12 GMT -5
I just did the same for Shadowpact. I just thought I'd have some fun.
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Post by adrini on Jun 3, 2014 23:25:26 GMT -5
Chapter one up!
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Post by Deleted on Jun 3, 2014 23:33:35 GMT -5
I read the first issue, got to the point where they tortured a kitten and saw the writing on the wall.
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Post by adrini on Jun 3, 2014 23:42:33 GMT -5
Kittens fine. Promise. Ends up being spoiled rotten. Unless it's cannon (Mia in Green Arrow being an abuse victim for example) or important to a later point I avoid anything really bad happening. Nice burn, btw. Respect. All fix. Happier now.
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Post by thetrueelec on Jun 4, 2014 0:23:09 GMT -5
It was good, though I think it would have been nice to see Jubilee settling in rather than just skipping ahead to when she was willing to let Jean alter her memories. Also going from Piotr thinking about how his sister is alive to, hey your sisters alive felt way too convenient.
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Post by Drake on Jun 4, 2014 6:40:38 GMT -5
I think this is the best issue you've ever written. It was very, very good. The dynamics were spot on and the action was engaging. Something that I normally feel a little lacking in your writing is intensity. Situations may be "intense" or "threatening" but for some reason they don't come off that way. Here, however, everything feels like a proper threat.
If I have any complaints it's that yes, the Piotr thinking about Ilyana thing was a little forced and, like elec said, skipping to Jubes, a supposedly "hardcase" teen, suddenly loving the team and specifically Jean felt odd.
8.5/10
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Post by Stardrifter on Jun 4, 2014 17:31:04 GMT -5
I agree Jubilee wasn't very troubled. She was a good intro character for the reader, seein the team through her eyes and possibly causing some conflict, but it was pretty much wasted.
I noticed some proofreading errors. Sentinels and SHIELD not being capitalized. Stuff like that. I'm also confused about Scott's powers. You mentioned a Sentinel's control box being melted, but his powers are concussive and not heat. Unless you changed them. Which is fine, but confusing.
Otherwise a nice start. I see you're sticking to your themes with a "family," but you''vs established how good you are at making characters feel like a family. I just hope we see some conflict sooner than later.
Oh and this issue was oddly lacking Raven. She's there, but I don't think she even spoke. Strange to not give her anything to do or say in an opening issue.
But yeah I like the setup and what you're doing. Keep em coming.
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Post by adrini on Jun 4, 2014 20:16:46 GMT -5
Jubilee is trying to convince herself she's "all better". It'll pass. Right now the worst she's had to deal with is paint and furniture shopping. Chapter one was meant to be a "welcome to the family" kind of thing. Granted Jubilee does, of course, become a bigger player. But that takes time.
I need a proof reader. I have for sometime. I will happily take volunteers.
Pressure or heat a Sentinel is an eletronic being that generates a lot of heat. I'll call that one even one way or another.
x-men/x-factor are family areas. That may just be a theme in my fandom. Little nerdy seven-year old kid adrini was super lonely so she really got into the more family-ish titles. Would make sense. Family conflict is coming but there's plenty of other kinds till then. They have loads more kids to rescue.
One of the major complaints I got with GA was too many characters too quickly. Ergo Raven really get shown starting chapter 2 instead of on top of all the others. Give her more of a spotlight.
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Post by thejellyfish on Jun 5, 2014 23:49:15 GMT -5
I bummed we didn't get to see more Raven. Out of everyone on the team, she stood out to me the most... different. I was surprisingly the most excited for her. Mystique would not be my first choice for a SHIELD team, but then again, I doubt Chamber would be anyone's first choice for an X-man.
The Jubilee stuff could have been done better, but I have faith. I guess I give it a 7/10.
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Post by adrini on Jun 29, 2014 12:14:32 GMT -5
Got a reader and fixed a few issues.
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Post by adrini on Jul 3, 2014 23:03:50 GMT -5
Chapter 2 up
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Post by thetrueelec on Jul 4, 2014 3:37:00 GMT -5
So I liked using Jubilee's training to give us the flashback to Jean's past rather than just having Jean remembering it. I liked what we saw of. Gambit here but I didn't really get much of a characterr from Rogue, I know things about her but I don't feel I know her if that makes sense. Another very minor complaint and maybe I missed it in the first chapter but. I don't remember any indication that. Mystic was older than the others who all seem to be young adults to me. Again maybe I missed something in which case ignore that.
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Post by adrini on Jul 4, 2014 7:48:44 GMT -5
I touched on it. Future episodes will make it clearer that hill and mystic are in their late 20s/30's while the others are 14-20.
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Post by Stardrifter on Jul 4, 2014 12:19:36 GMT -5
There were a ton of errors. A lot of Rogue/Rouge mistakes. And are you naming Mystique as Mystic on purpose?
The telepathy scenes were nice. Interesting way to go into backstory without exposition. I like seeing the inner workings with SHIELD and how the team fits in. The scene in New Orleans was okay, more nods to DS9, but some of the dialogue felt unrealistic. Rogue was way too buddy buddy with them too quickly, and the team just going right into lost family stories with almost no pleasantries or small talk. Eh...I don't know about you, but I don't immediately start telling strangers about how my cousin and grandfather died when I was a kid.
Still not a bad issue. Just needs some cleanup. Keep em coming.
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Post by thejellyfish on Jul 4, 2014 15:18:38 GMT -5
In case it needed to be said, I said it was okay for adrini to use Jean-Luc.
I will be the first to say, your spell-check is literal shit. It's gross. The story, however, far from literal shit. It was really good. I may need to reread it, because I was super tired last night, but what I saw I liked. Your female cast really shines and that's always a plus. I'm still waiting for the male characters to have their moments, but I'm fine with them not happening just yet. Hill in particular stood out, but I think that's only because she's a normal person surrounded by extraordinary people.
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Post by Drake on Jul 5, 2014 17:48:32 GMT -5
Anything I have to say would just be repeating Star's words so I'll just redirect you to his review.
7/10
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Post by jordan on Jul 30, 2014 13:47:39 GMT -5
I agree with Drake & therefore Star, because they really said it all. I'm sorry I don't have too much to say on this, other than it is one of your weaker works. Overall, I'd place it at a 6/10.
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Post by adrini on Aug 29, 2014 23:10:04 GMT -5
Chapter 3 up.
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Post by thejellyfish on Aug 29, 2014 23:56:37 GMT -5
I will be the first to admit that X-Factor is more like an actual X-Men title than Astonishing X-Men. You've got Cyclops, Jean, Wolvie, Rogue, etc. I've got recognizable X-Men on my title sure, but they're not who you'd expect to be on what could be considered the main* X-title.
*I do not consider either X-Factor or AXM to be the "main" X-title as we are both telling a story that will ultimately link up. Both are equally important.
You've also got a good sense of the family dynamic, which is a also a difference between the two. Yeah, they happen in AXM, but they may never be as frequent or as well-written as yours.
I'm excited to see what you do with Pietro and Wanda, for reasons that should be obvious. I loved Elixir back in the New X-Men days, still love him here. Logan was pretty cool and it's good to see Alex. Really liked Rogue and Colossus' interaction as well.
Emma is one my favorites because I have a soft spot for those alpha personality characters. That said, I really liked her getting told off. Be careful though, you're gonna make me like Mystique.
Some grammar problems here and there. A couple of 'then's when you meant 'than'. 'Hellfire' was split into 'Hell fire'. Nothing big and no where near as bad as last issue.
Good issue, I'm excited for more.
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Post by DiscipleofBob on Aug 30, 2014 6:15:08 GMT -5
I take responsibility for grammar problems as I proofread the last chapter. Unless it's one of the passages that Adrini added after I finished proofreading. Then it's all her.
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Post by adrini on Aug 30, 2014 9:18:54 GMT -5
Hey, Emma didn't hold up her end of the deal. She should have known better. She'll have alpha moments later but after lying through her teeth all that time she had a telling off coming. I see Raven, at least at first, as more self serving then evil. This leads her into evil paths as time progresses, but at present it really just means she's looking out for number 1 and who ever she thinks is most likely to help her do so better. I'm trying to be careful with the brothers. I'm a girl and only had one growing up, so I'm not entirely used to the little things that brothers do or what behaviors are done or not. Insight would be nice. The twins will be next chapter, as they need time to recover. But I'm glad you liked it! More action next time, as the ending suggests, but I needed to get things done in this one.
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Post by Drake on Aug 30, 2014 9:38:05 GMT -5
I really enjoyed this issue. Plot wise, this is the first chapter where I have no complaints. You introduced a handful of characters, but it all felt natural and not overdone. My favorite scene probably had to be the one between Piotr and Rogue, simply because it developed her character much more and made Piotr (rightfully) seem like such a nice guy.
All the nice stuff being said, critiques: Logan and Scott knowing each other threw me off. You should've hinted at it a bit more clearly beforehand. I'm a little worried the heroic cast is growing too quickly and you won't have the time to develop all the characters. I know you like big casts, but I think you should stick to a core 7 or 8. Lastly, Jean has a traumatic past, but she's beginning to come off as a bit too perfect. I feel like something needs to go wrong with her. Nobody else needs die or anything like that, but she should show a few cracks. Don't rush it, of course, but do develop her beyond the perfect girl scout.
8.8/10
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Post by adrini on Aug 30, 2014 10:07:39 GMT -5
Scott knew OF Logan beforehand. Read a file. Not personally.
This is going to be the team for a few awhile. The twins are going to need time to recover for a time, getting over trauma, so they'll be there but have their own story. Plus not every person they rescue gets on the team right off, that's only if your skill warrants it or is useful enough. Most don't get on at all.
Scott and Jean are the leadership face of X-Factor. Both have massive cracks, however due to public responsibility they try not to show them. In future I'll make a point to show that and make it more balanced.
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Post by Stardrifter on Aug 30, 2014 12:36:28 GMT -5
A good issue. Moved things along. You continue the family motif you've become famous for. I liked Jubilee sticking up for Jean a bit too enthusiastically. I enjoyed Scott's pool sharking. I wonder if you were referencing his little know mutant ability with angles and geometry or not.
I don't really get the last scene. If Emma was so mad, why not use her powers on Raven? Did I miss something?
Keep em coming.
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Post by adrini on Aug 30, 2014 13:06:50 GMT -5
Emma has her own plans, don't worry.
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Post by thetrueelec on Sept 5, 2014 8:30:48 GMT -5
So. I liked a lot of this chapter, Logan's introduction, Jubilee hanging onto everything Jean does, Scott not knowing what goes with steak, all really good. I didn't like Emma's intro scene but that's a personal thing so I'm not going to hold that against this chapter.
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Post by adrini on Sept 5, 2014 10:24:12 GMT -5
There's more Emma to come, but she is a villain in this story. I never got into the newer x-man story line.
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