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Post by thejellyfish on Jun 6, 2014 0:55:01 GMT -5
Just putting this up now so I don't have to do it when I'm finished with #0.
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Post by thejellyfish on Jul 29, 2014 2:28:46 GMT -5
Guys, I did it!
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Post by thetrueelec on Jul 29, 2014 4:56:17 GMT -5
I liked it, it felt a little short, and I'm not totally sure what had happened before the first scene, but the scene with Kitty and Doug was good, it setup the two characters and their friendship very quickly.
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Post by Stardrifter on Jul 29, 2014 7:58:33 GMT -5
As a first issue it had potential that was kind of squandered. It was too short. It really needed more development of the scenes.
The opening scene had some effective moments. And I get that you dropping us into an aftermath and setting up mystery, but some things could have used more fleshing out. Who are the X-Men? We see them working with emergency workers, are they accepted? There's no mention of mutants in the whole issue. Hell, except for Kurt teleporting there's no mention of powers.
The scene with Doug and Kitty was good, but you dropped a lot of exposition that could have been shown instead. You tell us they're the best of friends but that Doug has a crush. You tell us she has a crush on Gambit. Why not show us? Let their dialogue and banter show us their friendship. Let Doug be slightly awkward because of his feelings and Kitty be oblivious. Show, don't tell.
It wasn't a bad issue and I know you were having trouble finding the time to do it, but as an introduction it was lacking. The potential is there though. It just needs expanding on. Keep em coming.
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Post by Drake on Jul 29, 2014 16:39:22 GMT -5
Two issues that haven't been pointed out yet: 1. You change tenses once. It shouldn't happen, no matter the reason why in prose.
2. Gambit's accent drives me crazy. I think my big problem is when I read it, I hear a Jamaican accent, not Remy's Lousianan (that a word?) accent. It's a little over the top as well. I'd tone it down if I were you, or it's bound to become like my "I am Groot" and start to annoy people other than me as well. Look to Peter David's All New X-Factor (just preview it if you don't buy it) for how to write Gambit without being over the top.
Over all it was okay. It was definitely way too short. I'll give it a 7/10 out of the hope it gets better.
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Post by thejellyfish on Jul 29, 2014 17:08:44 GMT -5
All-New X-Factor is the only book I buy because I'm poor and can't afford another series. It's worth it. The problem with using PAD's Gambit as a basis is that he uses some really big words that Gambit's never used previously, as well as Bristish slang (although I could work the slang in as stuff Betsy taught him). Another thing I think I messed up was Kurt's accent but none of you noticed that, so... yay?
I may make it where city life made Gambit's accent change over the three years since the intro. And I agree with everyone, it was short (especially that last part). It was 2:30 AM when I got there and I just wanted to be done, because I said I'd get it done and I keep my promises (except when I don't). I'll look for the tense changes and see if I can edit them for future readers.
It was a little exposition-y, and I know I didn't show as much as I could have, but future chapters will, for the most part, be "showers" not "tellers." The only thing that won't be shown is actual fight at the beginning. I'd rather use my flashbacks to explore what caused the event, the direct fallout of the event, and the three year gap.
I feel much better getting this out there, I feel good about it too and it feels more "Ultimate Lantern" as opposed to "New Warriors" did. I'm very excited to tell this story.
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Post by DiscipleofBob on Jul 29, 2014 17:47:18 GMT -5
It was an okay introduction. Well-written, but for first issue there really wasn't much to draw me in as a reader. It seemed like a collection of scenes that would be better off bridging two stories together as a break to action, not to kick off the series with.
I'll admit that I have certain, shall we say, expectations regarding these characters. While I respect you're going your own direction, it does affect my perceptions of the series. Stuff like the implied romantic pairings of Gambit/Psylocke and Kitty/Doug irk me since I grew up with Gambit/Rogue and Kitty/Colossus. But these aren't really criticisms of your story so much as personal biases of mine.
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Post by Drake on Jul 29, 2014 18:00:18 GMT -5
Actually, if I could say something to that effect of biases, I'm all for new romances. I'd prefer not to read the same old, same old. Keep that coming, at least in my opinion.
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Post by jordan on Jul 30, 2014 13:46:09 GMT -5
I think that this was a good start to the series. It wasn't amazing, but shows us that you have a lot of potential to build off of. Most of what I have to say has already been said, so I'll just throw my hat into the relationships ring. I enjoy new relationships and character twists when I'm reading fanfiction because I already know the basics of a lot of these characters and I don't want to just reread the basics over and over again. Overall, probably a 7/10. Keep 'em coming.
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Post by adrini on Jul 31, 2014 19:24:11 GMT -5
A solid opening.
I will say that scenes could have used more fleshing out but I get writing at the end of the month, and fighting writers block.
I like how you opened the chapter with the severity of what can go wrong. You did leave alot of things undefined but that makes readers curious and want to come back so that's actually a real thing to do. The characters are introduced but not overly fleshed out, par for the course for a 0 chapter. The twist at the end is nice, building tension fron minute one. There's alot to work with here and I'm looking forward to helping when both our stories get to that point. Well done.
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Post by thejellyfish on Aug 29, 2014 2:00:24 GMT -5
#1 is up! It's a long one. Thirteen pages in Word due to a spacing thing and clocks out at almost 3,300 words.
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Post by Drake on Aug 29, 2014 17:37:24 GMT -5
It's certainly an interesting and much better issue. My two critiques--the pace is a bit slow and some of the dialogue fell flat. In general, however, your dialogue was much better than last issue, and you toned down Remy's French-speak. I'm excited for the future of this series! Some of your ideas and twists are interesting, if not incredibly new, and I look forward to discovering more.
8/10
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Post by Stardrifter on Aug 30, 2014 11:17:40 GMT -5
As a first issue it was kind of ho-hum. Not much excitement. I mean if this was a comic the solicitation would read...
In the exciting first issue of Astonishing X-Men! Xavier and Magneto play chess! Hold onto your seat as Gambit takes two squabbling teens with him to pick up his fiancé at the airport!
Just seemed like a letdown. I'm also not thrilled with some of the characterization choices. Magneto can't match wits with Xavier? Xavier illegally imprisons him without trial? I mean I know Xavier can be a dick in the comics...
I dunno. It wasn't a bad issue. It just was kinda dull. I hope things pick up soon. Keep em coming.
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Post by thetrueelec on Sept 5, 2014 8:44:45 GMT -5
I don't mind the lack of action, I'm more interested in the interactions between characters than action, that being said we haven't really gotten much of that, outside of Remy, Kitty, and Doug we have barely seen anyone else interact, or even exist really. Well besides Xavier and Magneto and they're interaction is more exposition than giving insight into their characters.
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Post by adrini on Sept 5, 2014 10:26:06 GMT -5
It's a setting up chapter, not unreasonable for chapter 1. I'm not too worried about lack of action as this is x-man and that can be assumed. I liked it very much.
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Post by thejellyfish on Sept 5, 2014 11:41:43 GMT -5
I had stuff I wanted to do with the rest of the cast for this chapter, but I honestly thought the chapter would have been too long if I had put all that stuff in. And it may have wound up jumping around too much because of it. It honestly bummed me out that not everyone got face time. Luckily, the kids take a back seat next issue so that all the adults can get the focus for once and not just some of them. I'm also happy that the exposition is pretty much done for now.
I'm glad both of you guys enjoyed it.
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Post by Stardrifter on Sept 5, 2014 13:08:49 GMT -5
Don't confuse excitement with action. You can have two people sitting and talking and have it be exciting. It's all about energy and purpose. Two men discussing the weather isn't exciting. Two men discussing the bomb under the table is exciting. It doesn't have action(unless it goes off), but if written correctly it has energy and suspense.
That's an extreme example, but I just mean that setup and drama can still be made exciting or fun and get the reader excited without having to have people punching each other.
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Post by adrini on Sept 5, 2014 15:05:20 GMT -5
This.
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Post by thejellyfish on Oct 2, 2014 1:52:13 GMT -5
#2 is up!
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Post by Drake on Oct 2, 2014 13:37:36 GMT -5
It was a good issue, probably my favorite yet. I'm liking how you toned down both Remy and Kurt's accents. Good on you. The plot's also developing nicely.
So, my critiques. You rely too much on preexisting knowledge of characters. Particularly with the bad guys, I'm not really aware of who they are, what they look like or what powers they have. You could describe that a little more in depth in the future. In fact, you're a little vague sometimes in your descriptions of actions too. Next, what's up with the Greycrow (was that right?) guy? He's captured by the Purifiers but then he's working with mutant terrorists. What? Not really sure what happened there. Lastly, kids rioting at the XSGY was a bit...odd. I mean, are tensions really running that high? You didn't show it beforehand. I have no reason to understand why mutants--safe teenaged mutants, I might add--have a reason to riot because some terrorists told them to, let alone IN their school, a place that had been nothing but good to them.
Overall, nice job. I'm liking each issue more and more. 8/10
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Post by Stardrifter on Nov 11, 2014 21:44:02 GMT -5
I pretty much agree with Drake. You're doing better overall. I do find it odd that the main X-Men title is focussing on Gambit and Psylocke of all people, but that's what the sites for.
Keep em coming.
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Post by thejellyfish on Dec 8, 2014 3:40:50 GMT -5
#3 is up. And it's a short one. Sorry about the gap in between chapters, November was not my month and Dragon Age: Inquisition is very distracting.
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Post by Drake on Dec 8, 2014 22:45:19 GMT -5
Well, things went wrong really fast, didn't they lol? The length was fine. It didn't feel all that off. You definitely improved a number of things I mentioned in my last review. While you're not perfecto with descriptions yet and I'm not really sure if Quire caused the riot with his psychic powers or you just had a bit of weak writing, you've definitely improved, even if it's clear you rushed this chapter.
Honestly, I really enjoyed the issue. It's great to see Hellion written by someone who likes him and understands his character. Onyxx's death was brutal. It's clear you're going for a Quire portrayal more in line with his first appearances, savage, creepy and crazy. I like the mature themes you played with this issue. It works really well in an X-Men title.
8/10, while you improved my scaling system has gotten stricter. Sorry lol!
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Post by thejellyfish on Dec 8, 2014 23:29:03 GMT -5
You are correct about it being rushed. I had some other stuff planned but decided that the meat of the story should be the riot. The how's of the riot are a mystery for now, but the why's will explored next chapter. Hellion is fun to write, and thankfully, the next chapter is a breather episode so we'll get to see him in his "natural" element. Quire was also really fun.
Even though I may have to push some plans back, I have some ideas about where to take the next arc. I find them interesting, hopefully people will too.
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Post by Stardrifter on Dec 9, 2014 9:21:36 GMT -5
It was a decent issue, but I'm not sure about the direction of the series. This is the third issue of X-Men and it's barely focussed on them. The main focus seems to be Kitty, Doug, and the students. I feel like you want to write a New Mutants or New X-Men title. That's fine if you do, but it's not X-Men.
So that's my main criticism. This would be a good New Mutants issue. It's not a good X-Men issue. Keep em coming.
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Post by thetrueelec on Dec 15, 2014 19:09:45 GMT -5
In theory I like this issue, if you were to just describe to me what happened i'd say it was good. but the execution just didn't do it for me, my biggest problem is if Quentin is that powerful, and that big of a douche him stagin a riot isn't surprising why was he allowed to stay at the school, and why did none of the X-Men realise that without adults in the mansion he'd do something. Plus Onyxx's death was just really quick, and for a character who I believe really only showed up this issue it really doesn't have as much impact as it would if we had got to know him.
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Post by adrini on Dec 18, 2014 21:02:03 GMT -5
Firstly I want to say I love the story, it really has great ways to go and I'm looking forward to it.
But a few things stand out. Firstly you're using a number of the lesser known mutants, which I like. It gets them exposure which is always a great thing for lesser known characters. This being said it also means you need to focus on each one and let them have their minute to shine, to become better defined.
The second part that I noticed is that your style is very action and humor minded, which I'm fine with, it's exciting. However you need to slow down now and again and let your people catch their breath for a moment here and there. A tender moment once a battle is done, or before the next one begins for example. The rest of the story is so good that these two missing peices stand out a little.
But let me finish by repeating that I really like what you have so far.
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Post by thejellyfish on Dec 19, 2014 0:52:14 GMT -5
Luckily enough, the next issue is filled with tender moments. Tender might not be the right word, though. This whole arc has been one big ordeal for the entire team. The next issue explores this and every character gets to express their opinion on the matter. I probably would've included some tender moments in this arc, but I wanted to get through it quickly and got delayed by various things in life. Thankfully, the battles are done for now. Everyone gets to calm down and figure out what "normal" is again. And "normal" for a team of mutant superheroes is anything but normal.
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Post by DiscipleofBob on Dec 29, 2014 21:45:48 GMT -5
#2 The spacing between paragraphs is off and it's rather jarring. You don't seem to have that problem in any of the other chapters. You should probably go back and fix that at some point.
There's a few weird lines. An alarm goes off and Kitty says she's going to 'feed the cats?' I'm missing something here.
Maybe it's because they're more iconic so I don't need as much help picturing them, but compared to Gambit, Kitty, and Psylocke, characters like the Acolytes seem to lack important things like character and appearance descriptions. The same goes for the other characters like the other students. You should treat this as if this is the reader's first introduction to these characters, because for many, like myself, I only barely know some of the names. Frenzy, Carmella, Abyss, Hellion, Quentin... I don't know who many of these characters are and still don't. Even Forge who I know from the comics is a stranger since I know Forge as the pacifist tech support guy and not apparently the leader of the Acolytes. I spent a while trying to figure out who Scalphunter was and why the X-Men were so afraid of him until halfway through the chapter when you casually mention that Scalphunter is the Greycrow guy from earlier. Manifold is one of my favorite characters so far just from the teleporting action and yet I had to go back several times to hunt for pronouns just so I could figure out his gender. And how do the X-Men know this guy? And where did the mind control collar even come from? I guess Forge could have made it, but there's a lot of stuff here I feel like I missed from previous chapters but I'm not finding any of it.
#3 I know it's part of the comics, but what's the purpose of every single character getting a code name? It doesn't seem like the X-Men are in hiding so they don't need aliases. Okay the guys in the field can use them as callsigns, and the Acolytes can claim mutant pride or something, but the students? I'm having to make a lot of rationalizations in order to keep up. Why are these characters suddenly starting a riot?
There are way too many characters, way too quickly, with too little introduction or description between them. Onyxx? Quentin? I vaguely heard some of these names from the comics, but everything's happening way too quickly and again I feel like I missed the introduction and development of some of these characters earlier.
And then Onyxx's death is just "and then Quentin killed him." I'm not saying you should give every gorey detail, but I think you need more description than "he attacked him. He attacked back. He used his powers on him. He killed him."
The sheer size of the cast is keeping me from really connecting with any of the characters like in previous chapters. Whereas before you had great character development without a lot of plot or action to hook the reader, here you have too much happening and it becomes jumbled.
Besides the spacing in the one chapter, there really weren't any grammar or spelling issues, so good job there.
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Post by thejellyfish on Dec 29, 2014 22:27:23 GMT -5
I actually looked back and saw all those spacing problems earlier, yet didn't feel like bothering with it then. I do some stuff to fix it usually, but I guess I forgot to do it there. I'll do it tomorrow before finishing up #4.
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