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Post by Drake on Mar 21, 2015 14:34:21 GMT -5
I was actually primarily referencing the scenes with him and the basketball team, but you get the point. Sure, Pete's got problems, but he's not too worried about a couple bad guys who haven't shown up in three months or JJJ, as much as the guy yells at him. Peter's got his girlfriend, his grades are fine (not mentioned, but will be), he's getting paid a lot, he's saving more lives than usual (which negates the Norman being bad thing), he's repairing his relationship with his aunt, he's actually got friends, he's comfortable in his Bugle job, and he's managed to make time for everyone in his life. Oh, and as you mentioned, his life won't be going great forever. It'll get bad quickly If you're not going to write heart wrenching, tragic, hopeful stories, what's the point of writing Spidey?
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Post by Deleted on Mar 21, 2015 17:31:19 GMT -5
An un related question: have you read JMS's run? I read it this summer and it's one of my favorite runs, along with Daniel Way's Deadpool of course.
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Post by Drake on Mar 21, 2015 20:25:36 GMT -5
I've read parts of it. It is pretty good.
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Post by Stardrifter on Mar 22, 2015 8:29:03 GMT -5
I was fine with the Felicia/Peter scene. I think you're being awfully nitpicky about it. No one is unhappy and pessimistic all the time, even when things are going bad. Peter's life, despite working for Osborn, is going well so of course in a moment of triumph he would show confidence. Jeez.
As for any differences between their characterization and the comics, um...All-Star Marvel. This is a reimagining fanfic site. Drake doesn't have to write them like the comics. He could turn Peter into a dude-bro if he wanted. Heh...there should have been a Dude-Bro Spider-Man in your Spider-Verse crossover.
Anyway good issue. Nice action, nice drama, nice intro for Scorpion. I suggest adding a note at the end that it'll be continued in SS #4 so people don't get confused. Speaking of...need to jump on that...
Keep em coming
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Post by Drake on Mar 22, 2015 11:19:46 GMT -5
Dude-Bro Spider-Man just sounds awesome
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Post by Deleted on Mar 24, 2015 9:40:11 GMT -5
Can I please make Dude-Bro Spider-Man my next title?
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Post by Drake on Mar 24, 2015 9:46:10 GMT -5
That's what Deadpool's for!
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Post by DiscipleofBob on Apr 1, 2015 14:13:47 GMT -5
6
You go a little overboard with the college tropes. The professor who's simultaneously threatening kicking someone out of class for being late more than once and being so overtly sexist seems more like a trope from Community than anything else. #SixSeasonsAndAMovie
The romance scenes seem to switch from forced to perverted to balanced. Between Felicia, Gwen, and MJ, I can't help but feel that the women seem somewhat objectified. Like their characters are built around being love interests for Peter Parker instead of their actual characters. If they have personalities, they seem to be ill-defined as opposed to how MJ seems to be the most developed, maybe because she seems to be third in line for the Parker throne. I do like the scene with her talking about shipping and OTP.
I'm curious as to why you chose Richard Rider rather than Sam Alexander, since the role is Peter's roommate. Maybe it's Ultimate Spider-Man, but I would think Sam would be more appropriate. Then again, I know very little about Richard Rider in comparison.
The three power upgrade/origins for your Sinister Six members are done well.
7
Kingsley's outburst seems kind of random given the context. I get what you were trying to go for, that sentence just seems like a weird space for him to go from calm talking about his "friend" to going full-on Kevin-Spacey-Luthor.
I've never been a fan of the black suit being something artificial or synthetic as opposed to just an alien life form. It's such a strange alien thing that coming from a manmade lab dampens the impact. But it's still new so I guess you have room to develop it.
Um... Did Spider-Man really just use his uncle's big quote in a highly public televised speech? And attribute it to his uncle? At the very least Aunt May, MJ, and everyone who ever knew Uncle Ben now know Spider-Man's secret identity.
Vulture is difficult to take seriously. On the credible villain scale, he's somewhere between Rita Repulsa and the Monarch from Venture Bros. Good thing you have Kingsley and Osborn to make up in the antagonist department.
8
The hacking scene is one of the most painful things I've read in a while. It reads like when hollywood writers write a "hacking" scene and don't even try to make it authentic. Like in NCIS when two expert "hackers" somehow manage to share a keyboard to "hack" faster. What compounds it even more is 1) Peter Parker is apparently the closest thing the Daily Bugle has to an IT department in 2015, and 2) he solves the hacking crisis by turning it off and on again, which is literally the first thing any "techspert" will do in nearly every situation.
This Osborn business partnership seems to introduce more potential plot holes with each chapter. Spider-Man now has an entire corporate team that knows his secret identity and yet his identity is still secret? If the business partnership dissolves and no one divulges his name to the public in some way, that would really be unbelievable.
Jimmy Olsen? Superman-style? A few chapters you were doing everything you could to avoid making a direct reference to other comic lines (the Eagleman bit in particular) and now you're referencing DC? Even if we establish that the DC line of superheroes is a comic over here, at the very least it still completely destroys immersion and removes the reader from the story.
I like the entire scene with MJ and May. Very well done emotionally without any scenery-chewing or over-the-top angsting. It may be the best written scene in your entire line so far.
Overall, this story seems to go in extremes. Either it's too corny or too perverted to take remotely seriously, or it's perfectly balanced. There doesn't seem to be an in between.
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Post by Drake on Apr 1, 2015 19:03:52 GMT -5
6You go a little overboard with the college tropes. The professor who's simultaneously threatening kicking someone out of class for being late more than once and being so overtly sexist seems more like a trope from Community than anything else. #SixSeasonsAndAMovie The romance scenes seem to switch from forced to perverted to balanced. Between Felicia, Gwen, and MJ, I can't help but feel that the women seem somewhat objectified. Like their characters are built around being love interests for Peter Parker instead of their actual characters. If they have personalities, they seem to be ill-defined as opposed to how MJ seems to be the most developed, maybe because she seems to be third in line for the Parker throne. I do like the scene with her talking about shipping and OTP. I'm curious as to why you chose Richard Rider rather than Sam Alexander, since the role is Peter's roommate. Maybe it's Ultimate Spider-Man, but I would think Sam would be more appropriate. Then again, I know very little about Richard Rider in comparison. The three power upgrade/origins for your Sinister Six members are done well. 7Kingsley's outburst seems kind of random given the context. I get what you were trying to go for, that sentence just seems like a weird space for him to go from calm talking about his "friend" to going full-on Kevin-Spacey-Luthor. I've never been a fan of the black suit being something artificial or synthetic as opposed to just an alien life form. It's such a strange alien thing that coming from a manmade lab dampens the impact. But it's still new so I guess you have room to develop it. Um... Did Spider-Man really just use his uncle's big quote in a highly public televised speech? And attribute it to his uncle? At the very least Aunt May, MJ, and everyone who ever knew Uncle Ben now know Spider-Man's secret identity. Vulture is difficult to take seriously. On the credible villain scale, he's somewhere between Rita Repulsa and the Monarch from Venture Bros. Good thing you have Kingsley and Osborn to make up in the antagonist department. 8 The hacking scene is one of the most painful things I've read in a while. It reads like when hollywood writers write a "hacking" scene and don't even try to make it authentic. Like in NCIS when two expert "hackers" somehow manage to share a keyboard to "hack" faster. What compounds it even more is 1) Peter Parker is apparently the closest thing the Daily Bugle has to an IT department in 2015, and 2) he solves the hacking crisis by turning it off and on again, which is literally the first thing any "techspert" will do in nearly every situation. This Osborn business partnership seems to introduce more potential plot holes with each chapter. Spider-Man now has an entire corporate team that knows his secret identity and yet his identity is still secret? If the business partnership dissolves and no one divulges his name to the public in some way, that would really be unbelievable. Jimmy Olsen? Superman-style? A few chapters you were doing everything you could to avoid making a direct reference to other comic lines (the Eagleman bit in particular) and now you're referencing DC? Even if we establish that the DC line of superheroes is a comic over here, at the very least it still completely destroys immersion and removes the reader from the story. I like the entire scene with MJ and May. Very well done emotionally without any scenery-chewing or over-the-top angsting. It may be the best written scene in your entire line so far. Overall, this story seems to go in extremes. Either it's too corny or too perverted to take remotely seriously, or it's perfectly balanced. There doesn't seem to be an in between. You make some very good points. I'll try to go through these in the most organized way I can. 6I was trying to mimic Buffy but obviously came nowhere close. I plan on continuing those tropes in the future, but hopefully I'll handle them in a considerably more classy way. I love MJ so there's a reason she's turning out okay while the others aren't. I also have been juggling so many story arcs that my focus with Gwen has been on the relationship and with Felicia on the flirting. I'll fix that in the future. I totally blew that. I like Rich more than Sam, he's closer to Peter's age in the comics, and it provides room for Sam as a highschool Nova. Thanks! 7Kingsley is crazy. I probably could've handled that better, but it was supposed to be shocking. There's more to the black suit. I have to give all credit to Star for this take. He came up with the initial idea and I love it. As for an alien symbiote...well, just wait MJ didn't know Ben well. May, well...you'll see. Plus, it's a classic comic thing for Peter to quote Ben around other people. Moreover, it wasn't exactly something Ben just threw around. I think you're being a little nitpicky on this. Vulture is supposed to be pitiful and kind of campy. It's part of his arc. 8Probably didn't handle the actual hacking well. I'll put more effort into it in the future. That ain't a plot hole. It's a plot point. Just wait. Screwed up there, but it's also a bit nitpicky. I'll try to avoid it in the future. Glad you liked the MJ and May scenes. I worked hard on them. Really happy it paid off. Keep reading. I'll keep improving and try to work on the tonal issues.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 2, 2015 0:42:22 GMT -5
DoB did a good job expanding on some of the points I made. You should be having tone problems at #3, not this late. There is a fine line between college boy and pervert. Yes, it's normal for a young guy like Pete to get "thoughts," but it's when he acts out those thoughts (i.e. winking at Felicia) is when you get close to that line. Call me a Spider-Nazi if you want. Spider-Man usually flat-out ignores BC's flirting, or he awkwardly filibusters around it.
I didn't notice this at first, but I think I should bring this up since DoB did. MJ, Gwen, and Felicia actually are objectified a little bit. It seems like they're just...there. May is the only female character in this title that gets any sort of development (...okay, MJ has some, too). Gives us some (non-corny) heart-to-heart dialogue between Peter and Gwen. Really tell us who Gwen is. 'Cause right now all I can say about her is, "Uhhh... She's Peter's gf." Throw some conflicts in their relationship! Convince me that they love each other.
This title has lots of problems, but they can be easily fixed if you apply your knowledge to the characters. Don't just go by who you want them to be. You can add things to a char's personality, but never take something away from a char's personality.
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Post by Drake on Apr 2, 2015 10:13:57 GMT -5
Peter isn't acting out anything. He's flirting. In my experience he does that a lot with Felicia. The rest I agree with though. I need to establish the characters some more and slow down the plot.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 3, 2015 1:40:40 GMT -5
I'm really sorry if I'm being a jerk about all this.
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Post by Drake on Apr 3, 2015 9:50:12 GMT -5
You're good. I just disagree with you on how Peter acts.
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Post by Drake on Apr 4, 2015 16:04:12 GMT -5
Updated the Parker Journal (aka Secret Files)
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Post by Deleted on Apr 4, 2015 19:30:02 GMT -5
That pic of you really does look #badass.
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Post by Drake on Apr 4, 2015 19:58:01 GMT -5
LOL that ain't me. The guy in the photo does actually look fairly like me, especially if you switched brown hair for blonde, but that isn't me. I did almost cosplay that costume at NYCC but backed off because I didn't have the time to make it. EDIT: Actually, on second thought that kid looks a little too tall and too skinny (I'm more muscular than that ) to be me. Also, everything in that "journal" is in Peter's 1st person perspective. That's supposed to be Peter, except, well, I guess he'd be more muscular too. Whaddya gonna do?
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Post by Deleted on Apr 4, 2015 22:16:52 GMT -5
OH! I didn't realize...okay, okay, now I gotcha.
I think I know how to fix this...
That pic of you really does look #badass. - Deadpool <3
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Post by Drake on May 6, 2015 21:26:19 GMT -5
#9 is up!
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Post by thejellyfish on May 6, 2015 22:37:09 GMT -5
Good issue. It didn't hold me to my chair like your Guardians does, but I enjoyed it.
A few things irked me, however. First: I've known about Harry's secret since the first issue. I called it, in fact. I didn't say it because I knew it was a spoiler and I'm not that guy. But we all know now, you told us his secret yourself and we all know. And I don't see an in story reason for it to continue being a secret. Harry getting cut off is reaching the point where it's becoming a tasteless running gag. Please wrap it up.
Second, I know that's not how the scene is meant to be read, but for some reason, I felt as if Norman's thoughts were in response to Pete breaking his watch. And I don't know why, but it made me laugh.
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Post by Stardrifter on May 7, 2015 12:16:33 GMT -5
You don't know how important that watch was to Norman! His father had to hide it up his ass!
It wasn't a bad issue. I did feel the cutoff wasn't the best. And this Sinister Six stuff is just annoying at this point. Either do something with it or stop interrupting every issue with it. It feels like it's been going on forever and nothing ever happens.
I know you've been crazy busy. Keep em coming.
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Post by Drake on May 7, 2015 18:45:48 GMT -5
thejellyfish Harry's secret will be wrapped up in issue 11. I only cut that off then because I didn't have the time to go into that in detail. It should be a serious, well developed scene. I could only focus on Peter and May at the time. As for the watch...well, it's symbolic, not just to Norman but for the story. Norman's rage wasn't solely over it, but he certainly cared about it. I agree that the writing there seemed a little over the top and could easily be misconstrued. To be honest, Norman and Peter have had it with each other. They're oil and water. You know what it's like when someone you hate does something just a little bit bad and you jump on that and hate them more for it? That's what that was. Also, he does love the watch. It humanizes him. People have heirlooms they care for. This is more of an adventure dramady. Guardians is the epic, action, Hickman-like story. I certainly understand why you like it more. Stardrifter Shit happens with the Sinister Six in the next arc (#11). However, they won't be the real bad guys till the following arc. I'm just building it up. People get upset when I rush things. I guess it's a problem when I don't. You can't make everyone happy. Thanks for being understanding. After tomorrow my life should slow down a bit. EDIT: Just to be clear, I don't actually have a favorite story I write. My comment about Guardians was in reference to jelly's love for Hickman's Avengers.
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Post by thetrueelec on May 17, 2015 22:45:23 GMT -5
So I'm a couple issues behind but I'm reading issue 9 due to the crossover so might as well give my thoughts. Firstly I love Peter and Ben's relationship, the fact that despite the weirdness and uncertainty they still can get along really well. Hearing someone tell Pete they've hit the jackpot and it not be Mary Jane just feels wrong, and like you're making a reference for the sake of making a reference.
I understand describing the Osborne family via the pocket watch but maybe it would be best left until you aren't in a crossover because as somebody who's here for the clone stuff it really just slows down the pace of the story. It especially stands out when compared to the Vulture scene which works because there needs to be a scene separating Pete leaving the hospital and arriving to talk with Osborn and because it gives enough information that a new reader isn't lost and in fact is intrigued about what's going to happen. So I wrote that before finishing the scene, and the finish just makes it even more silly because you spent paragraphs describing the importance of the watch and then it's broken by the end of the scene and it's obvious that it's purely because you needed something important for Pete to destroy and had to make something up for the scene.
Now that final scene was great, really got me emotional.
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Post by cross on May 20, 2015 9:51:27 GMT -5
I have enjoyed the shit out of All Star Spider-man! You have everyones voices down perfectly. Your comedy is perfect Spider-man snark. Your action is very well paced and written. Hell, even your drama and touching moments are fucking great. This is a GREAT story to come into the All Star-Verse with. I have a few nitpicks and believe me, it's only a few and they haven't hurt the story whatsoever.
The Spider-Verse storyline was confusing. I get what you were doing but I didn't read Spider-Verse so it just confused me. That being said, the action was great in that bit so I can forgive it. Plus, you're done with that so it's not an issue anymore.
When you cross (name pun) over with Scarlet Spider, you should put a warning of what to read first. I stopped and read Scarlet and it threw me off.
All in all, I love this take on Spidey. Keep up the VERY good work.
Also, why in the hell are their Gargoyle characters in All Star verse?
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Post by adrini on May 31, 2015 18:15:55 GMT -5
At the beginning it feels like a film, more epic and gracious in scale. As it goes on it becomes more of show feel. It's just something I noticed. The characters are well built,and the triangle wasn't as bad as I was afraid it might be. It's very high paced and I worry about having enough story to keep going but it is well done. And I caught the FF references. That was nice.
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Post by DiscipleofBob on Jun 3, 2015 11:12:35 GMT -5
9The 'thwipped her down here' line from Harry really threw me, because I wasn't sure what he meant. I thought it implied either Peter had brought her down to the hospital, or it was some kind of innuendo for Peter and Gwen hooking up. Neither made sense even when I went back and checked some of the previous chapters. It's still bugging me. I like the shot you took at the third movie, whether you intended it as such or not. Is Anna Wattson MJ's mother? I can only guess that's the case. Did May reveal that she knew Peter's secret? It's implied by some of the context, but I can't find any confirmation in the chapter. Toomes' scene is kind of forced in a group of several otherwise very tense, dramatic moments. While there was some good drama all between May, Peter, Ben, and the Osbornes, a lot of what I guess would be dramatic reveals seem to be actually missing. I keep getting confused because I'm expecting certain things from the context like May actually revealing she knows or something and not finding anything. Good chapter, but it just feels like the important plot turns are missing, leaving what almost comes across as filler.
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Post by Drake on Jun 3, 2015 14:28:28 GMT -5
"Thwipped her down here" was supposed to be a joking line about Peter web swinging her to the hospital. It's a small play on words assuming you know that Peter's web shooters make a "thwip" sound when they fire. That's also a comic thing, not just me.
Shot at the third movie? Nothing was intentional, so I'd love if you'd point it out.
Anna is MJ's aunt. That was mentioned in an earlier issue....I think.
Yeah, May never outright said it, but with the context and how she approaches the conversation, I was hoping it was recognizably the case.
The Toomes' scenes are just slowly building up to something, but I agree. It was out of place.
I don't know what dramatic reveals you were expecting, so I can't really respond to that. I will, however, make it clear in the future that May knows Peter's secret ID.
Thanks for reviewing!
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Post by DiscipleofBob on Jun 3, 2015 14:35:39 GMT -5
"Thwipped her down here" was supposed to be a joking line about Peter web swinging her to the hospital. It's a small play on words assuming you know that Peter's web shooters make a "thwip" sound when they fire. That's also a comic thing, not just me. I get that "thwip" is a reference to his web-shooters, I just didn't know exactly what Harry meant by it. I took Peter's line about Goth not suiting him as a perhaps unintentional dig at the third movie. It may have been. I didn't remember and at that point I didn't feel like going back and checking. I guess I was expecting a line like "I know what you've been up to" or something to that effect. As is, the conversation could easily be May referring to Peter's education/job/general life direction instead of the superpoweredness. The implication is sort of there, but it's still in the gray area.
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Post by Drake on Jun 14, 2015 23:35:17 GMT -5
10 is up!
It's long, but funnily enough my outline had three more scenes in it.
A quick note, Vinny's Bar and Grill kind of appeared in issue 2. Vinny did, at least. He runs a bar as his cover, and a secret gambling ring underneath it.
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Post by Stardrifter on Jun 16, 2015 9:07:45 GMT -5
I read this on the mobile version of the site and the white text was almost impossible to read. I had to select it to make it even somewhat readable.
This issue was kinda...meh. The flashback with Felicia was okay. A little too expositiony in parts. Might have helped for her to have someone to talk to rather than just telling us.
I'm one who likes funky dialogue and use it myself a lot, but Jack's dialogue annoyed me. The fight was okay. The reveal lacked punch though. With a whimper rather than a bang.
It did set up some nice stuff though. While I got shades of your previous Spider-Man Beyond series with the voice in Spider-Woman's ear, I hope that reveal is a good one. And the fact that she's using tech is interesting.
Keep em coming.
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Post by Drake on Jul 23, 2015 21:38:41 GMT -5
Thanks for the review!
All of your critiques are legitimate. I'll take them into account in the future. Jack will always be pretty weird though. He's supposed to be a bit retarded and a lot crazy.
I changed the font to gray. Hope that helps.
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